class

back at it. that dancing thing. took class last saturday & again today. last week was the 1st class i had taken since surgery. it felt really good. & it was with a guest artist from the philippines who was fantastic. i was sore for almost a week.

& today felt good too. i still love dancing. i wish i was younger. i wish i could still get on stage. i see photos from my friends of their performances & i miss it. i miss performing. i feel like it shouldn't be over for me. i'm gonna be 34 next month. i definitely have friends that are older that are dancing professionally & are amazing, but they never moved to a tiny island in the middle of nowhere & cut all ties, err... pointe shoe ribbons, to the dance world. not that i was really where i wanted to be before the move to guam. i mean i wasn't dancing for royal ballet or anything, but it was my career, my 9-5 & i was on stage & training & at least dancing at a respectable level. with hopes of performing more roles, more ballets, more, more, more? who knows. i'm sure i'll keep taking class, but it's so different when you are preparing for performance...... putting yourself into the story of a ballet, thinking about your character, hearing the same music over & over (or studying that same music over & over - stravinsky, you brilliant crazy composer you)..... going into the theater, the lighting, the dressing rooms..... i miss it. um. yeah. that's all. i just miss it. & i feel like it's over. it happens to everyone at some pointe. i just wish i felt fulfilled, ready for it to be over. that happens right? or do we always want more?

a way with relevè

so i'm not sure why i'm at a loss for words about dancing again.... this whole blog is based on the fact that i had to quit my job, move half way across the world & then wasn't able to dance very much. which was/ is a huge transition from the fact that in the almost 30 years prior i was always dancing. and then coupled with the fact that i had a baby & how many changes that brings about.... different body, different mentality, different emotions, desires, priorities..... & now i'm back stateside & have been taking class at least 2 times a week since jeff left (the past 2 weeks) & all i can say is "i'm sore & it's wonderful"???

maybe i'm still processing it all..... in a greater sense that relates to this, i feel like i've lost some of myself. & i think this trip is crucial for bringing ME back. let me explain. i feel like i have fewer interests, i feel more weighed down, i feel less whimsical, less creative, less inspired, i feel less. i think being in guam, not working & not dancing have changed me in such a way. don't know if overall it's good or bad. not sure i can put it in such black & white terms..... i'm just different. but i don't think i'm all the way ok with where i am/ who i am now. i miss being in school, being challenged..... being a stay at home mom is amazing, but i don't think i've found a way to incorporate the things i'm missing that i get from a working environment or educational environment..... i miss the mountains.... & the trees & the flowers & everything that can be found here in the blue ridge.... it's where i'm from & it's part of who i am & i think i'm coming around to acknowledging that i want to be here & stay connected to what this area does for me. i miss dancing of course. i miss the sweat, the pain, the push to get through the last part of the adagio or battement combination that the teacher told us to repeat again. i miss the feel of my foot on the floor doing a tendu & the way my toes feel strong & solid & supple as i close from a degage. i miss the studio floor, i miss the lights, the mirrors, the music..... all of which are different everywhere you go, but somehow still always familiar. i miss opening my arms & feeling me glide through the space during waltz turns. i miss holding the finish after lots of turns & waiting for the room to catch up. i miss it all. & i know that age, location, excuse number one, two or three will change my capacity & ability to dance, but i will continue to fight it, find new ways, take opportunities when i can, to get myself into the studio to stand at the barre & feel what i love.

may hay-day

wow, may was great. it went by in a flash, but it was such a great month. still a few days left, but those don't count. :)

well i talked about mother's day & jeff coming into roanoke to be with us before he deploys. we had such a great time. we explored roanoke, enjoyed the mountains (& food & shopping) & then went to visit jeff's parents in chattanooga. & lena had her first road trip! she did great, slept the whole way basically! jeff's parents got to meet lena for the first time & we all had a great time seeing each other & checking out the city. we went on incline railway... claims to be the world's steepest railway incline.... but yeah, chattanooga was fun. & it was really nice to have that time together with his parents while we could.

at mill mountain star

with the grandparents in chattanooga

in front of the river

looks steep huh?

from tennessee, we left & drove to visit our friends toby & lindsey & their son jackson in north carolina. again lena was a travel champ..... slept the whole time while mommy complained about the lack of space in our sweet little chevy aveo..... wow, 2 adults, one carseat, stroller & luggage make for some seriously cramped quarters. but we survived the 2nd leg of our road trip & had a great few days seeing our friends. we met their son jackson (1 & 1/2) for the first time & he is such a sweet boy! jeff & toby played soccer together in high school & he was jeff's best man at our wedding. toby & lindsey are great friends & we were lucky to plan a last minute visit with them.

the best pic we could get.... the kids weren't having it

future soccer star

and then it was back to roanoke to enjoy the last of jeff's leave before he deployed. we fed lena rice cereal & she did really well eating & had planned on only feeding that to her until she turns 6 months, but decided to incorporate some veggies because A. jeff will get to see her eat & B. she got a bit clogged up..... the girl didn't poop for 3 days! poor thing. so we gave her sweet potatoes & she loved them! & then she pooped the biggest poop jeff & i have ever seen! my mom & bill through a family get together to say farewell to jeff & we got to meet our cousin april's baby emery! she's almost 11 months & such a little doll!

the family & our babies - see a pic of us all pregnant here.... (except zach, that would be weird)

"lemme do it mom!"

and then jeff had to leave. that was the hardest day. saying good bye was the hardest thing i've had to do. it just felt so different than the other times we've been apart. mostly because of lena, & also because he's going to war.... basically. a tearful morning, i tried to stay strong for lena (& myself & jeff), but i couldn't stop crying. we got a gate pass so we could wait with him until he boarded the plane. it felt surreal to say goodbye, people were around, lena was getting tired, it was just weird. but we had several hugs & kisses before i had to take lena in my arms & walk away from the gate, tears streaming down my face. i kept turning around to see him just one more time as i walked through the terminal & he watched, waved & blew kisses to us the whole time. when i got back outside of the security check point my mom was there waiting & there was a lady who had been sitting there earlier before jeff, lena & i left for the gate & i looked at her through my tears & she was crying for us. i wish i had smiled or said something, but at the time i couldn't see jeff anymore & i just felt like i had to flee, i had to get out of there or i was gonna break down. but i appreciate her compassion & empathy.

and now he's gone. & it's just lena & i ..... & mom & bill. & we're trying to make the most of things, getting back on a regular diet (no more restaurant outings), getting lena on a better nap schedule, introducing more veggies - the latest were peas & i can say i don't think she's a fan.

but i did go to ballet class for the first time in about a year. & it felt really good. so i have that to look forward to. i'll write more on dancing again in another post. there will be more of that. but i want to end this post saying that i had a great time with my husband, baby, & extended families & am thankful we're in the states right now & that i have an even stronger appreciation for military families.....

before the drive to the airport

i don't know why, but....

i just started reading some of my previous posts from last year & came across this one & it made me really sad...... i really miss dancing. i feel a little lost without it. i can't really dance right now anyway (not fully because of my belly - no arabesques or port de corps forwards, etc)......... but i don't know when dance will be back. & that makes me want to cry (well i'm tearing up now), but i wish i knew that after the baby i'll return to dancing & teaching. & i'm scared that after these guam years i don't know where we'll be, who will hire me, will i still be able to dance after being "off" for so long? i feel like getting my mfa is a door back into the dance world, but knowing what's in store for us after guam is so unclear right now. i just know i love dance & i'm really missing it.......

more downward dogs, less developés

it's so funny the way things develop. about a year ago i was ballet-ing at least 6 days a week & not able to really cross-train (most days too exhausted to even cook dinner). & was in pain more often than i'd like..... i was in great ballet-fighting shape, but i really craved balance for my body (& for my spirit). doing the same very precise, somewhat unnatural movements everyday really wears on the body. tight hip flexors, tight IT band, sore everywhere, continuous knee clicking & jamming....... everyday.

not even a block from the dance studio is a yoga studio & i would look out the window while we were at barre wishing i could skip class & go take yoga (& i'll admit just as many days i also wanted to escape to go enjoy sweet potato fries & a cold glass of chardonnay at the fabulous big city restaurant right across the street) but anyway, i really craved balance. and now the table has flipped..... i now take yoga class about 2 times a week, (with a body conditioning, abs & buns & zumba class thrown in as well) & find myself at the barre a mere once a week. (plus i eat all the sweet potato fries i want...... & chocolate mousse napoleons, carbonaras, pringles, chicken pot pies...... a random assortment of edibles, but it is what i've been eating the past few days) my body feels great, i'm still a bit heavier (could it be those napoleons?) than i was when i was dancing, but i feel more in balance, a less abusive owner of my body.

when i'm in ballet class (saturdays for 2.5 hours- long class & a bit of rehearsing phrases at the end of class) i still feel good, like a dancer, but i am not as "on" as i used to be. the developés are a bit low, no more triple pirouettes & my balances are ok on the left, non existent on the right..... but i feel ok with that. i don't have any reason to push my body, i don't have anywhere i have to "be" dance wise, it's more just about me, in class, doing what i can & i kinda like that. i do miss the theater (my company back in florida is performing coppelia this week), the rehearsals, the accomplishments, the pain & sacrifice..... but i've been through that. i did promise the studio here that i would perform a solo for a demo they're doing at the mall in april. so i have that goal & the rehearsals (more like run through it once & it's ok, so i'm done), to work on. but the performance is gonna be on concrete (will need 2 weeks of yoga to counter the pain from dancing on that) & i'm just doing some waltz turns, chaines & boureés & i don't think anyone expects a lot more than that.

it's a weird thing here, i keep waiting for something to develop...... i know about the demo at the mall & the guam ballet is doing a production of sirena (guam story of a mermaid) in august which they've talked about me being a part of. they say i might be able to teach a class, but nothing is set yet. i guess coming from a place where my roles as teacher & performer were so developed & i had a contract (that makes it all so much more clear) & a pay check (also makes things so much better) & then to here where it took forever just to find a class to take. i suppose it's normal to be trying to get my foot in the door & figuring out where i fit in. i need more patience. i hear my mom singing her patience song in my head ("p, a, t.... i, e, n..... c, e spells patience") which i can laugh about now, but when you're 5 & throwing a tantrum, or maybe even having a 16 year old tantrum, it's not nearly as funny. love ya mom!

& now after spending way too long on this post, i leave you with a photo of those infamous naploeons (which i made myself & felt such pride when a friend told me she thought they were from a restaurant) & some downward dog..... to maintain balance.

(photo from able bodied yoga)

another 3 star & a studio tendu

so i just got back from my first ballet class on the island & it was good. interesting, but good. the studio is nice & the woman who taught is great..... an older woman, janet, who trained in the philippines with a man who danced for nycb & balanchine. i can tell with the use of her arms & through her corrections that she knows ballet. the students in the class are young & behind a bit, but all very positive & put forward lots of effort. janet has 2 granddaughters who demonstrate for her, asia & jamaica, both girls are nice & more advanced than the other students. it felt good to be dancing again, the only issue is tuition.

i haven't paid for a dance class since high school. seriously. & the studio is asking $75 for the month, & they offer 3 classes (ballet, jazz & rehearsal - ?) a week. i tried to get some kind of other offer seeing as i'm only interested in the ONE ballet class they offer. but the front desk lady said that was all they could do. i might be able to work something out at the end of my free coupon week..... we'll see. janet & i were talking & she said that she might have me teach some & they pay $30 a class, so if i teach 2 classes a month we're almost even..... the cool thing is that with that $75, you get open use of the studio as long as no class is going on. so that's one unusual perk.

it's weird, but cool, the way things are here..... janet teaches at this studio & another one, as well as directs the guam ballet company. various dancers from different studios all make up the guam ballet company & they all perform together at the U of guam. so different than the states where you have studios competing with each other rather than sharing & supporting. janet says she's gonna take me down to the other studio for other classes because they're more advanced & i think she wants to make me her 3rd granddaughter. albeit, much older granddaughter. she's super sweet & everyone was super impressed (not to sound conceited) & i even got a "you're pure perfection" from a 12 year old. how funny! but it felt so good to be reconnected to dancers & a studio. i just have to figure out how to get around this $75 a month thing.

now, on to the 3 star.....

it's been cope north training stuff the past 2 weeks on base..... japanese pilots & visitors are here for training exercises. & jeff gets to go around on the DV (distinguished visitor) visits taking photos & doing his thing. well on fri jeff got coined by a 3 star japanese general, which is kinda unusual & quite an honor. way cool! & jeff said that the general kept telling jeff to make him look like tom cruise in his photos! how funny!

off to jeff's soccer game tonight..... i'm already ridiculously sore..... can't wait for the 3 day. it's always the 3 day that is the worst. i've never not danced for this long & i'm gonna pay for these 5 months off. but it's worth it!

and the clouds part

well, now i have 2 dance options for tonight! i could go to the swan ballet to take an advanced class with 9 year olds from 6-7....... or i could go meet janet bourgeois with guam ballet company to get a coupon for free ballet classes next week. i'd meet her at 6pm & i could watch a rehearsal for an upcoming show. which should i do? i think i'm leaning more toward meeting janet (she also said they had the best ballet out of anyone on the island & she's the teacher, she would know right? not biased or anything...)

so i'll post an update about how it goes.......

and now it hits me

like a ton of bricks.... i want to dance again. i want to be in a real studio with real dance clothes on dancing to real class music. it's weird to think back on how often i hated putting on tights, or putting my hair back, or hearing the same cd over & over again in class...... but now i have a deep ache..... it only took 5 months away from it to really sink in. the last class i took was around oct 9th. & up until now i wasn't feeling the urge too much.

jeff & i drove around for 2 hours yesterday trying to find a dance studio someone told me about. ok, let me take you back a little bit. we got to guam & not that i had a big desire to plop back into a studio, but i just wanted to know what options i had (that & i had used half of my suitcase to fit leotards, tights, shoes, thera-bands & even a pair of pointe shoes into & felt obligated to at least scope out the dance scene- still haven't gotten around to using any of those items)..... anyway, so i looked in the phone book under dance studios & there were about 5 or 6 (one title was completely written in chamorro, so i had no idea what type of dance studio it was). ok, now the guam phone book is not like in the states.... no address included, only a name & a number. so i called all the studios & only got machines & a surprising number of "this number is no longer in service"....... dead end.

so one day when i was driving to the dmv i spotted a dance store- a real dance store with bloch & capezio & sansha written all over the windows. didn't have time to stop in, but figured i'd come back one day & ask them about the dance scene in guam. well, go figure the day i go the store had closed, & not just closed to reopen the next day, but shut down. no more. only a "for rent" sign in the place where "sansha" had once been. dead end.

SO, on another day i went to a yoga class at the gym on base & saw a girl dressed in dance clothes- street clothes over her tights, hair in a bun, no mistaking- this girl dances. so i went up to her & asked politely if she was a dancer & of course, yes. so i chatted her up about where she danced, what kind of classes, etc. she told me about an adult ballet class on wed nights at body arts near the agana shopping center. awesome! so a few weeks pass, because i'm still not desperately wanting to hit the studio- still into the yoga/ pilates shift, the jewelry making, the looking into my "what other interests do i have in my life" phase...... but now i'm chomping at the bit to cram my feet into pointe shoes & all thoughts aside about how weak i am at this point, i just want to be in a studio!!!!! ...... so jeff & i set off yesterday to find this place. 2 hours of driving & we found the shopping center & no side street untraversed, we could not find it! & this studio is one of those where the number in the phone book doesn't work. another DEAD END.

so now, not sure what the next step is...... i'll just tombè my little (bigger) butt right back into the living room carpet dance scene, for now...... until the dance gods smile down on me & present some other options......

a 3 star & a living room ten-don't

so sometime last week, deep in conversation with myself i thought..... "hey, you remember when you used to do that dancing stuff? you could try & at least do a couple tendus, arabesques & cambrés, just for old times sake..... might even help with all this extra soft stuff that's laying around your body now." so i did. in the living room. wasn't very much, i did like 4 relevés & 2 arabesques (lifting your leg behind you until you feel an uncomfortable cramp in your back & butt).......... well, the very next day my back was in pain. how sad, i only had my leg at around 45 degrees (which when i was dancing could get my leg up to 90 & on the right side past 90, during dracula time) boohoo.....

well, i am beginning to realize how great ballet was for my body. now, in hindsight, of course. because while dancing i always found something physically wrong with my body to complain about & had serious knee issues for about 4 years. but now, after 3 FULL months off, i see such a change physically. i've gained about 15 pounds, yikes! and feel really soft. which part of me really likes, i feel feminine, but i also feel really weak, have less energy & don't feel as healthy..... not to mention i can no longer consider myself to be a dancer.

so again today i realized i'd try to do a little more living room dancing. and for the record, i have tried to call the dance studios here on guam & have gotten only machines & a couple "this number is no longer in service"...... so one day i might find myself back in a real studio, until then there is always the living room.

here is an unglamorous glimpse, and as ms. dorothy would say, "you call that a tendu (tahn-do), i call that a ten-don't!"

now to the 3 star part..... andersen has a DV on base today & tomorrow..... jeff is following around the distinguished visitor, a 3 star general, taking photographs & going to all the prestigious briefings/ events..... & i'm dancing around the living room. hmmm....

what the f tuesdays

ok, not that today was bad, but difficult. i won't go into detail, but the reality of this move is sinking in. we have the date, approximately....... i never commit to anything anymore, you never know- with the military. i used to be so definite, now i'm much more the "as of now" type of girl.

ugh, i'm facing it all now...... or it's making itself more clear..........

only 3 days to visit with my mom & sister before i move across the world for 2 years. flowers from one of my 4th graders today & a card she wrote (beautifully) that made me cry. got teary when i was teaching my 8th graders.... i thought back to when they were in 3rd grade & how they've grown over the years. thinking about starting a family when we get to guam, not being ready.... tuesday talks. watching rehearsal for snow scene in nutcracker, not being able to perform. ugh.

well, the positive, is that i'm searching for the positive, i want to find the good that is here. there is abundant positivity, & i know it & i'm excited about this move, but it's alot. no matter what life brings, there is always worth & there is always value & i'm gonna keep bringing that up, because it's so easy to complain & it's so easy to feel put off or that things are unfair or "if only"......... well, this is it........ & i like "it", i'm not trying to be all rosey colored glasses. but damn, "it's" good. there is so much that's good. but IT is hard. & THAT is good. if it was easy would anyone value "IT"?

thank goodness tuesday is over. only 2 more until i get to be face to face with the ONE. MY ONE. i only have about a week & a half until i stop working regularly. yay & ouch. i feel a bit more ouch right now.

i hate spaghetti fan club

so my friend pam is in town!!!! she's here teaching & setting choreography for a studio in town. she was with us last season & now she's up in jersey dancing for new jersey ballet! we all miss her so so much! it's so great she's down here & that i'm able to see her before i leave the states.

she reminds me that even when distance separates, close friends are always close. even when you don't get to speak with them all the time, whenever you do get to be with them, it's like nothing has changed. a dancer's life is rarely stable, often traveling from job to job, living wherever the job is (even if it's jersey! oh burn!- love you pam!) & it's great because you're able to make new friends and collect different experiences, but often (as my 400+ friends on FB can attest to) you have to move on or leave some of your closest friends behind. but yay for FB & yay for blogs! & yay for guest gigs! & the dance world is so small, we're all connected & running into each other & people who know the same people, etc......

so i'm going to enjoy this weekend & remind myself that moving on does not have to mean separation or the end of friendships.

love you pam!

pam, jerod, amanda & jen

amanda, pam, jennyjones, me & j-rod

quick beach trip, waiting on pam to finish at the studio

then we got a little silly.....

yes j-rod is wearing overalls....

love, appreciation & transitions

wow, just spent like 4 hours trying to get video footage off of imovie & onto dvds. putting all those performances of nutcrackers, dracula, les sylphides, my choreography, etc. away in a safe place. it took forever, was supposed to complete some assignments for my last class & didn't get a chance because of this..... i'm such a slacker.

now to the real reasoning behind this post. during all of this video dance reminiscing, i came across a little clip of my awesome husband (who would totally kill me if i was to post it) & i'm at this place where i've been so in love with dance since i was 5 years old, it defined me, it was my life.... still is........... & i'm facing the transition, the unknowing, the loss of my first true love. but i've found something equally worthy, my husband. i haven't known him as long, but he is more a part of me than anything other than dance..... & he doesn't make my feet hurt. so he's totally a keeper.

but i miss him, this video brought so much up for me, things i don't always face now, because it's hard. i don't wake up & think about all the things i love about j & why i want to spend my life with him. it's in me of course, but knowing there is something important/ vital missing & has been for about 8 months........ keeping the focus there would break me down even more. so i, like many others, find the strength to go on, feeling lucky to have someone so important in your life, but knowing you have to survive without them at times.

& so the switch will happen, i'll get my baby back & dance might be gone. and that's ok. more than ok. i don't want to be defined by either dance or my husband, but those are things that without, i would not be who i am. so.....

i feel blessed to know what brings value to my life. i feel lucky that the things i love & cherish & make sacrifices for..... bring me the most joy & happiness. i want to do whatever it is to make these things in my life grow & be present with me. & neither the two are ever absent..... they are always a part of me. even during these transitions & absences.

today made me nostalgic, sad, hesitant to leave?

today my students (almost all of them!) were fantastic! i had three great classes of students focused, involved, excited, positive, invested..... i'll admit a little chatty on occasion, but they were happy & excited & involved in class. this never happens to such a full extent. i wish i had more days of teaching that were like today. i felt so connected to the kids today & at one point one even dropped to her knees, hugged me & said "you can't leave in october ms. amy!!!!" heartbreaking!!!

the other thing that is difficult is seeing casting go up & knowing i'm not going to be a part of the performances. it's hard for me. i still want to perform, heck, i even want to rehearse. i remind myself how painful & tedious it is, but rehearsing & performing are so rewarding & fulfilling. it's what i do.

today was hard.

inside a dance phrase

so, as of now, i'm still working. & today i went into the studio to work on some phrases for an upcoming residency. i don't really think it should be called a residency, because i'm only there wed-sun, but for lack of a better word that's what i'm calling it.

i'm to set a piece on the dancers at washington & lee univ. in va. i get to see my friend jenny who i used to work with at rbt. & i like that i get to create something new before i leave/ take my break from dance.

it's weird to think about not dancing & i have days where i know i'll still dance, maybe in guam, maybe guest gigs, maybe after guam & then there are days where this change really feels permanent, like what if i find something else i want to do, what if we have babies, what if i get so far removed from the dance world i can't come back? i am getting older & after 2 knee surgeries & so many other sprains & pains, it might not be so easy to get my dance back.

but i have today & today i danced.......

here is a clip of a phrase i worked on..... you can find a better version of this video (& more of my choreography) on youtube at http://www.youtube.com/user/frostargrow

possible title for the piece..... 'inside a day'