whatcha got against babies?

so this sunday we all went to brunch. we had a groupon coupon to a restaurant we've never been to downtown on the market (name withheld, but if you really wanna know i'll tell ya) anyway, so we get there & it's a pretty nice place & i'm of course on crutches, hobbling in, already self-conscious & say "we've got 3 & a high chair". so the waiter asks if we have reservations & i say no & he says hold on. so we're waiting & i look around & notice no babies, no kids. more self-conscious. but this is where it gets crazy, he takes us to the back room.... the back room! we're the only ones in there & it's nice, don't get me wrong, but we clearly we're put away from everyone else. yes there were more tables in the main dinning area, plus patio seats open. but our waiter was nice & lena of course was a doll, sat there quietly, ate nicely (we only got one drip on the tablecloth)..... but ya know, some places are like that. so we experienced our first anti-kid discrimination act. & honestly it was no big deal after it's all said & done, we still had a nice brunch, had the room to ourselves & got to go out the back door like celebrities, or maybe that it was closer to the car for me on the crutches.....

but who could hate on a face like this?

maybe if they know she eats like this.....

good thing we didn't have spaghetti.....

lena says "hey dad"

so how cute is this? i am so lucky i caught her first words on video (never mind it's sideways) anyway she's been hamming it up in front of the mirror the past few nights & i wanted to get it on video & lucked out when she says "hey dad"!!!

things not to forget

lena is 9 months old..... where does the time go???

here are a list of the wonders of lena.....

i love how you hold my hand while you're nursing

you've started pulling up (& letting go!) & you're taking steps

you are a great crawler

you're getting another tooth ... bottom left side, beside the two middles - this makes 6!!

we say "bird" & you look out the window to the bird feeder

you are curious, very very curious..... you have to see, touch, taste everything!

you shake your head no when you don't want anymore food

you wave (at appropriate times & also just on your own when you feel like it)

you bring your hands together & haven't made the clap sound but you're working on it

you are still so interested in the dog & cat & sometimes you & the dog have screeching/ howling matches

you giggle..... a lot

you stop what you're doing, listen & smile when you talk to daddy on the phone

you hold your sippy with both hands & tilt it back like a frat boy at a kegger .... you love some water!

favorite foods - bread, pasta, cheese, broccoli, peaches, avocado, & mango

you don't like - pineapple or strawberries too much (weirdo)

love you beaner!!

remembrance

sending prayers today as we remember.......

in need of some photos

my past several posts have been nothing but words.... boring! how bout some cuteness..... check out this little lady's latest stunt (she's starting to "cruise" now too!

dr jekyll & mrs hyde

ok, for those of you who know me well this post will not come as a surprise. for those who only read my blog & see my writings of positivity & my desires to be a calm, quiet mom this is a different side. i have postpartum depression. i have always battled depression. and i need to face it and admit it because as much as i want (desperately want) it to go away on it's own, it won't. i am embarrassed by my past & present struggles with this. but it is what it is & i can't hide from it. i am getting treatment now. but i (& my family) have been dealing with PPD for several months. and even though i'm in treatment now (therapy & anti-depressants), i am not well.

lena & i have a close connection (thank goodness) but i worry about how my negativity & my anxiety & my irritability is affecting her. i also worry about the medication and nursing her. the doc has reassured me that the amount that passes through to her is so small they can't measure it..... but it's still medication & i worry about long term affects. but the benefit outweighs the risk at this point. & that is why i waited so long before taking medication. i was concerned for her. but i failed to see that living with someone who is depressed will impact her in a negative way as well. my relationship with lena is wonderful. i interact with her in positive ways, have always attended to her needs, love & care for her as i would if i was not depressed. but it comes out with the people i live with. & lena is a witness to that. so it is hurting her. and since the knee surgery & living with crutches my outlook has not been so bright. but i keep hoping it will get better & i keep telling myself "do something, change this, stop being this way" & honestly i can't.... i really feel like i can't. that is why i'm writing this. i need to find me in all this. right now all i see & feel is the depression. but i hope that i am stronger than what i'm going through. and i hope lena is ok. i hope she is more than ok. & i hope that if anyone reads this & knows someone who struggles with PPD that they get help for it. i hate that i'm on medication. part of me still believes this is all in my head & i should just snap out of it. but i've tried that. all my life. & it keeps coming back & i have to seek treatment. & i'm trying not to feel like i failed, but that because i'm in treatment i'm succeeding. it's a long road, but at least i'm back on the right path.

aw, sorry blog

how could i have missed my blogiversary? i can't believe i've had a blog for 2 years now. well, 2 years & 4 days..... wink.

a comedy, of sorts

yesterday: we packed up all the stuff we had over at the recovery house...... jumperoos, crib, baby food, bottles, clothes, diapers, toys, books.... you get the idea.... plus the knee stuff - the machine, the other machine (one is a huge leg moving machine that takes up the entire coffee table & the other a cooler/ compressor combo with tubes that beep & are constantly kinked up) ..... & i say 'we' moved stuff, but all i could do is sit there & entertain lena as i watched my family move all our stuff back to my moms. which was kinda funny at times, but it gets better.....

last night (the funny part): so we finally, around 8pm, got things organized enough to put baby down. & we had the humidifier, vicks for her feet, elevated crib mattress... the whole deal in hopes it'll help her cold..... & miss thing slept from 8 until 4am! unheard of! now picture this, i wake up, look at my watch & immediately start thinking scary mom thoughts... slide myself to the end of the bed (crutches at the other end AND other side) & i peer into her crib to see if she's breathing. can't tell. so i hop out on my one working leg, hop over to her crib, wobbly & sleepy & the whole balance thing not happening (you try & balance on one leg at 4am)..... get to her crib & put my hand on her back & she's alive. whew. but now..... she's awake. & ready to play. damn. & so it goes.

today: my child is a genius! no really. she is. this morning she was in her jumperoo that doesn't jump (i don't know what those are called - play station?) anyway, i was on the couch with my leg in the coffee table leg machine watching her play. the dog came in the room & laid down behind her. so i said to little one.... "look behind you, the doggie is back there" & she did! she looked behind her (she didn't turn far enough to see the dog, but there was no question - she turned around). so she turned back to me & i said it again & guess what - she did it again & then a 3rd time!! (& she eventually turned far enough to see the dog) genius i tell you!!

an exhausted feeling of accomplishment

scene: nightfall, guest bedroom recovery house

characters: baby ballerina, mommy ballerina with guest artist & help du jour - grandpa

the bad guys: an injured knee & crutches, a too hot & too small bed in a house that isn't ours, an irritating cold with runny noses & coughs, an impatient mommy with a short temper & need for sleep

scene 1:

baby ballerina is down for the night in her crib. she awakens. she is carried by grandpa into the bedroom of mommy ballerina, where she joins mommy & nurses for a bit & falls asleep. mommy falls asleep a long 45 minutes later.

scene 2:

baby ballerina is restless.... tossing & turning & waking mommy ballerina. this continues for 45 minutes. baby ballerina decides to do her exercises..... lunge, kick, turn, toss, crawl, kick, squirm, push, bounce, kick (emphasis on kicking). this continues for 45 minutes. mommy ballerina is awake & tired but calmly & quietly wrangling the excited, energized baby. then baby ballerina's mood turns sour as she cries, wails, & screams. this continues for 45 minutes. all the while grandpa is waiting outside the room, concerned for the ballerinas.

scene 3:

mommy ballerina quietly holds baby ballerina as she nears the end of her crying spell. they cuddle, nurse & baby ballerina starts to drift off. but she awakens again & cries & coughs & coughs & cries. they snuggle & nurse again. finally baby ballerina is asleep. mommy ballerina tries to drift off, all the while feeling relieved & proud as she did not raise her voice, get frustrated or upset during the middle of the night scenes.

synopsis...... so i'm writing about this because i feel like i was the mom i wanted to be last night. the previous night the same scenario happened but my reaction was way different. lena has been sick & not sleeping well & i've been sick & tired & am frustrated with these crutches. the night before was a chaotic mix of lena crying or playing around, me irritatingly snapping at her about why she won't sleep, grandpa running lena back to her crib, back to my bed, back to the crib, back to the bed & none of us had a good night. so even though i am tired & i really want her to sleep more tonight, i feel a sense of accomplishment that i quietly, calmly dealt with her erratic lack of sleep problem. i was quiet the whole time, minus a few times at the end when i comforted her as she was crying. i just kinda let her do her thing.... was there to protect her from rolling off the bed, but did not give into her crying, did not try to make her do anything, i just sat there & let her experience what she was going to go through. i am not really up for letting her cry it out at night, which many people suggest i do. i just don't feel right about it. & we haven't totally ditched the sleeping in the big bed. before the surgery we were close to all night in her crib, but now that i can't easily carry her to her crib after night nursing, i kinda just let her stay in bed with me. i like the closeness with her, but man, this girl is big... & pushy & takes up the whole bed. so i think once i can walk again we'll get back to the all night crib thing. i'll let ya know how that goes..... here's a good article about crying it out..... i think a lot of this applies for long periods of crying, but still i just can't handle her crying for too long.....

well, it's september

& this means 2 things...... i have a whole new month to try something new (aka keep working on last months epic fail - click for the link) & that the worst is almost over. i am a week & a half into knee surgery recovery & it's going well ?!?! ...... my knee feels great, but it really is a struggle for me & all those trying to help me & lena. but we're getting through it & the time on crutches is only (hopefully) 2 & a half weeks left at this point. & the other worst almost over part of all this is that jeff will be coming back from deployment soon. it's not soon enough but it's close enough to really think about it & start to get excited! so i have to keep working on my positivity (even though i'm hobbling around on one leg, lena & i are both sick with colds) - just had to vent - but there are good things going on & we'll get through this & it's all temporary. so i just have to keep reminding myself to keep it in perspective.