class

back at it. that dancing thing. took class last saturday & again today. last week was the 1st class i had taken since surgery. it felt really good. & it was with a guest artist from the philippines who was fantastic. i was sore for almost a week.

& today felt good too. i still love dancing. i wish i was younger. i wish i could still get on stage. i see photos from my friends of their performances & i miss it. i miss performing. i feel like it shouldn't be over for me. i'm gonna be 34 next month. i definitely have friends that are older that are dancing professionally & are amazing, but they never moved to a tiny island in the middle of nowhere & cut all ties, err... pointe shoe ribbons, to the dance world. not that i was really where i wanted to be before the move to guam. i mean i wasn't dancing for royal ballet or anything, but it was my career, my 9-5 & i was on stage & training & at least dancing at a respectable level. with hopes of performing more roles, more ballets, more, more, more? who knows. i'm sure i'll keep taking class, but it's so different when you are preparing for performance...... putting yourself into the story of a ballet, thinking about your character, hearing the same music over & over (or studying that same music over & over - stravinsky, you brilliant crazy composer you)..... going into the theater, the lighting, the dressing rooms..... i miss it. um. yeah. that's all. i just miss it. & i feel like it's over. it happens to everyone at some pointe. i just wish i felt fulfilled, ready for it to be over. that happens right? or do we always want more?

a way with relevè

so i'm not sure why i'm at a loss for words about dancing again.... this whole blog is based on the fact that i had to quit my job, move half way across the world & then wasn't able to dance very much. which was/ is a huge transition from the fact that in the almost 30 years prior i was always dancing. and then coupled with the fact that i had a baby & how many changes that brings about.... different body, different mentality, different emotions, desires, priorities..... & now i'm back stateside & have been taking class at least 2 times a week since jeff left (the past 2 weeks) & all i can say is "i'm sore & it's wonderful"???

maybe i'm still processing it all..... in a greater sense that relates to this, i feel like i've lost some of myself. & i think this trip is crucial for bringing ME back. let me explain. i feel like i have fewer interests, i feel more weighed down, i feel less whimsical, less creative, less inspired, i feel less. i think being in guam, not working & not dancing have changed me in such a way. don't know if overall it's good or bad. not sure i can put it in such black & white terms..... i'm just different. but i don't think i'm all the way ok with where i am/ who i am now. i miss being in school, being challenged..... being a stay at home mom is amazing, but i don't think i've found a way to incorporate the things i'm missing that i get from a working environment or educational environment..... i miss the mountains.... & the trees & the flowers & everything that can be found here in the blue ridge.... it's where i'm from & it's part of who i am & i think i'm coming around to acknowledging that i want to be here & stay connected to what this area does for me. i miss dancing of course. i miss the sweat, the pain, the push to get through the last part of the adagio or battement combination that the teacher told us to repeat again. i miss the feel of my foot on the floor doing a tendu & the way my toes feel strong & solid & supple as i close from a degage. i miss the studio floor, i miss the lights, the mirrors, the music..... all of which are different everywhere you go, but somehow still always familiar. i miss opening my arms & feeling me glide through the space during waltz turns. i miss holding the finish after lots of turns & waiting for the room to catch up. i miss it all. & i know that age, location, excuse number one, two or three will change my capacity & ability to dance, but i will continue to fight it, find new ways, take opportunities when i can, to get myself into the studio to stand at the barre & feel what i love.

a fouette a day

so i'm taking ballet classes again.... & it feels great! i feel sore & it's wonderful.

dance dance dance

so check out this blog post by modish....... it's d for dancing like nobody's watching...... nice video by bon iver & lykke li & then some photos of dance.....

to quote

”No, I can't explain the dance to you;

if I could tell you what it meant,

there would be no point in dancing it.”

- Isadora Duncan