class

back at it. that dancing thing. took class last saturday & again today. last week was the 1st class i had taken since surgery. it felt really good. & it was with a guest artist from the philippines who was fantastic. i was sore for almost a week.

& today felt good too. i still love dancing. i wish i was younger. i wish i could still get on stage. i see photos from my friends of their performances & i miss it. i miss performing. i feel like it shouldn't be over for me. i'm gonna be 34 next month. i definitely have friends that are older that are dancing professionally & are amazing, but they never moved to a tiny island in the middle of nowhere & cut all ties, err... pointe shoe ribbons, to the dance world. not that i was really where i wanted to be before the move to guam. i mean i wasn't dancing for royal ballet or anything, but it was my career, my 9-5 & i was on stage & training & at least dancing at a respectable level. with hopes of performing more roles, more ballets, more, more, more? who knows. i'm sure i'll keep taking class, but it's so different when you are preparing for performance...... putting yourself into the story of a ballet, thinking about your character, hearing the same music over & over (or studying that same music over & over - stravinsky, you brilliant crazy composer you)..... going into the theater, the lighting, the dressing rooms..... i miss it. um. yeah. that's all. i just miss it. & i feel like it's over. it happens to everyone at some pointe. i just wish i felt fulfilled, ready for it to be over. that happens right? or do we always want more?

a way with relevè

so i'm not sure why i'm at a loss for words about dancing again.... this whole blog is based on the fact that i had to quit my job, move half way across the world & then wasn't able to dance very much. which was/ is a huge transition from the fact that in the almost 30 years prior i was always dancing. and then coupled with the fact that i had a baby & how many changes that brings about.... different body, different mentality, different emotions, desires, priorities..... & now i'm back stateside & have been taking class at least 2 times a week since jeff left (the past 2 weeks) & all i can say is "i'm sore & it's wonderful"???

maybe i'm still processing it all..... in a greater sense that relates to this, i feel like i've lost some of myself. & i think this trip is crucial for bringing ME back. let me explain. i feel like i have fewer interests, i feel more weighed down, i feel less whimsical, less creative, less inspired, i feel less. i think being in guam, not working & not dancing have changed me in such a way. don't know if overall it's good or bad. not sure i can put it in such black & white terms..... i'm just different. but i don't think i'm all the way ok with where i am/ who i am now. i miss being in school, being challenged..... being a stay at home mom is amazing, but i don't think i've found a way to incorporate the things i'm missing that i get from a working environment or educational environment..... i miss the mountains.... & the trees & the flowers & everything that can be found here in the blue ridge.... it's where i'm from & it's part of who i am & i think i'm coming around to acknowledging that i want to be here & stay connected to what this area does for me. i miss dancing of course. i miss the sweat, the pain, the push to get through the last part of the adagio or battement combination that the teacher told us to repeat again. i miss the feel of my foot on the floor doing a tendu & the way my toes feel strong & solid & supple as i close from a degage. i miss the studio floor, i miss the lights, the mirrors, the music..... all of which are different everywhere you go, but somehow still always familiar. i miss opening my arms & feeling me glide through the space during waltz turns. i miss holding the finish after lots of turns & waiting for the room to catch up. i miss it all. & i know that age, location, excuse number one, two or three will change my capacity & ability to dance, but i will continue to fight it, find new ways, take opportunities when i can, to get myself into the studio to stand at the barre & feel what i love.

i don't know why, but....

i just started reading some of my previous posts from last year & came across this one & it made me really sad...... i really miss dancing. i feel a little lost without it. i can't really dance right now anyway (not fully because of my belly - no arabesques or port de corps forwards, etc)......... but i don't know when dance will be back. & that makes me want to cry (well i'm tearing up now), but i wish i knew that after the baby i'll return to dancing & teaching. & i'm scared that after these guam years i don't know where we'll be, who will hire me, will i still be able to dance after being "off" for so long? i feel like getting my mfa is a door back into the dance world, but knowing what's in store for us after guam is so unclear right now. i just know i love dance & i'm really missing it.......

memory lane

so my friend had posted a video of her doing grand pas on her facebook this morning & it brought back a lot of memories...... she was able to go & perform for me last year because i was in the process of moving to guam. (& she did a beautiful job!) but i've been thinking of how much i miss dancing lately. it's nice that i'm able to go another direction with my life & i've wanted to be a mom for a while, so things work out. but i have to say i feel like something is missing...... this is from 08, me & sean, my most favorite partner who just returned from performing with armitage gone at jacob's pillow this summer!

more downward dogs, less developés

it's so funny the way things develop. about a year ago i was ballet-ing at least 6 days a week & not able to really cross-train (most days too exhausted to even cook dinner). & was in pain more often than i'd like..... i was in great ballet-fighting shape, but i really craved balance for my body (& for my spirit). doing the same very precise, somewhat unnatural movements everyday really wears on the body. tight hip flexors, tight IT band, sore everywhere, continuous knee clicking & jamming....... everyday.

not even a block from the dance studio is a yoga studio & i would look out the window while we were at barre wishing i could skip class & go take yoga (& i'll admit just as many days i also wanted to escape to go enjoy sweet potato fries & a cold glass of chardonnay at the fabulous big city restaurant right across the street) but anyway, i really craved balance. and now the table has flipped..... i now take yoga class about 2 times a week, (with a body conditioning, abs & buns & zumba class thrown in as well) & find myself at the barre a mere once a week. (plus i eat all the sweet potato fries i want...... & chocolate mousse napoleons, carbonaras, pringles, chicken pot pies...... a random assortment of edibles, but it is what i've been eating the past few days) my body feels great, i'm still a bit heavier (could it be those napoleons?) than i was when i was dancing, but i feel more in balance, a less abusive owner of my body.

when i'm in ballet class (saturdays for 2.5 hours- long class & a bit of rehearsing phrases at the end of class) i still feel good, like a dancer, but i am not as "on" as i used to be. the developés are a bit low, no more triple pirouettes & my balances are ok on the left, non existent on the right..... but i feel ok with that. i don't have any reason to push my body, i don't have anywhere i have to "be" dance wise, it's more just about me, in class, doing what i can & i kinda like that. i do miss the theater (my company back in florida is performing coppelia this week), the rehearsals, the accomplishments, the pain & sacrifice..... but i've been through that. i did promise the studio here that i would perform a solo for a demo they're doing at the mall in april. so i have that goal & the rehearsals (more like run through it once & it's ok, so i'm done), to work on. but the performance is gonna be on concrete (will need 2 weeks of yoga to counter the pain from dancing on that) & i'm just doing some waltz turns, chaines & boureés & i don't think anyone expects a lot more than that.

it's a weird thing here, i keep waiting for something to develop...... i know about the demo at the mall & the guam ballet is doing a production of sirena (guam story of a mermaid) in august which they've talked about me being a part of. they say i might be able to teach a class, but nothing is set yet. i guess coming from a place where my roles as teacher & performer were so developed & i had a contract (that makes it all so much more clear) & a pay check (also makes things so much better) & then to here where it took forever just to find a class to take. i suppose it's normal to be trying to get my foot in the door & figuring out where i fit in. i need more patience. i hear my mom singing her patience song in my head ("p, a, t.... i, e, n..... c, e spells patience") which i can laugh about now, but when you're 5 & throwing a tantrum, or maybe even having a 16 year old tantrum, it's not nearly as funny. love ya mom!

& now after spending way too long on this post, i leave you with a photo of those infamous naploeons (which i made myself & felt such pride when a friend told me she thought they were from a restaurant) & some downward dog..... to maintain balance.

(photo from able bodied yoga)

and now it hits me

like a ton of bricks.... i want to dance again. i want to be in a real studio with real dance clothes on dancing to real class music. it's weird to think back on how often i hated putting on tights, or putting my hair back, or hearing the same cd over & over again in class...... but now i have a deep ache..... it only took 5 months away from it to really sink in. the last class i took was around oct 9th. & up until now i wasn't feeling the urge too much.

jeff & i drove around for 2 hours yesterday trying to find a dance studio someone told me about. ok, let me take you back a little bit. we got to guam & not that i had a big desire to plop back into a studio, but i just wanted to know what options i had (that & i had used half of my suitcase to fit leotards, tights, shoes, thera-bands & even a pair of pointe shoes into & felt obligated to at least scope out the dance scene- still haven't gotten around to using any of those items)..... anyway, so i looked in the phone book under dance studios & there were about 5 or 6 (one title was completely written in chamorro, so i had no idea what type of dance studio it was). ok, now the guam phone book is not like in the states.... no address included, only a name & a number. so i called all the studios & only got machines & a surprising number of "this number is no longer in service"....... dead end.

so one day when i was driving to the dmv i spotted a dance store- a real dance store with bloch & capezio & sansha written all over the windows. didn't have time to stop in, but figured i'd come back one day & ask them about the dance scene in guam. well, go figure the day i go the store had closed, & not just closed to reopen the next day, but shut down. no more. only a "for rent" sign in the place where "sansha" had once been. dead end.

SO, on another day i went to a yoga class at the gym on base & saw a girl dressed in dance clothes- street clothes over her tights, hair in a bun, no mistaking- this girl dances. so i went up to her & asked politely if she was a dancer & of course, yes. so i chatted her up about where she danced, what kind of classes, etc. she told me about an adult ballet class on wed nights at body arts near the agana shopping center. awesome! so a few weeks pass, because i'm still not desperately wanting to hit the studio- still into the yoga/ pilates shift, the jewelry making, the looking into my "what other interests do i have in my life" phase...... but now i'm chomping at the bit to cram my feet into pointe shoes & all thoughts aside about how weak i am at this point, i just want to be in a studio!!!!! ...... so jeff & i set off yesterday to find this place. 2 hours of driving & we found the shopping center & no side street untraversed, we could not find it! & this studio is one of those where the number in the phone book doesn't work. another DEAD END.

so now, not sure what the next step is...... i'll just tombè my little (bigger) butt right back into the living room carpet dance scene, for now...... until the dance gods smile down on me & present some other options......

love, appreciation & transitions

wow, just spent like 4 hours trying to get video footage off of imovie & onto dvds. putting all those performances of nutcrackers, dracula, les sylphides, my choreography, etc. away in a safe place. it took forever, was supposed to complete some assignments for my last class & didn't get a chance because of this..... i'm such a slacker.

now to the real reasoning behind this post. during all of this video dance reminiscing, i came across a little clip of my awesome husband (who would totally kill me if i was to post it) & i'm at this place where i've been so in love with dance since i was 5 years old, it defined me, it was my life.... still is........... & i'm facing the transition, the unknowing, the loss of my first true love. but i've found something equally worthy, my husband. i haven't known him as long, but he is more a part of me than anything other than dance..... & he doesn't make my feet hurt. so he's totally a keeper.

but i miss him, this video brought so much up for me, things i don't always face now, because it's hard. i don't wake up & think about all the things i love about j & why i want to spend my life with him. it's in me of course, but knowing there is something important/ vital missing & has been for about 8 months........ keeping the focus there would break me down even more. so i, like many others, find the strength to go on, feeling lucky to have someone so important in your life, but knowing you have to survive without them at times.

& so the switch will happen, i'll get my baby back & dance might be gone. and that's ok. more than ok. i don't want to be defined by either dance or my husband, but those are things that without, i would not be who i am. so.....

i feel blessed to know what brings value to my life. i feel lucky that the things i love & cherish & make sacrifices for..... bring me the most joy & happiness. i want to do whatever it is to make these things in my life grow & be present with me. & neither the two are ever absent..... they are always a part of me. even during these transitions & absences.