could always be worse

ok, so found out about my knee..... will be needing surgery. the good news, i've been through this before (on my left knee).... the bad news, well i have to have surgery again. oh & i didn't have a baby last time. going through 6-8 weeks on crutches is no fun, but i can only imagine how much more difficult it will be trying to care for lena. but the bright side of this is i can still hug her (not having surgery on my arms) & it's only temporary..... it feels like forever when you're in it. but it's really not that long in the grand scheme of things. oh & the 30 days positive thing. i think i lost 2 days in there when i found out about this. oh well. keep trying. today was much better. one thing that is helping me is to think about each moment as i'm in it...... like right now i'm venting, documenting my feelings & what's going on in my world while sitting on my mom's screened in porch while my baby sleeps & i just finished a nice glass of wine..... that is definitely good.

epic fail.... kinda

well, i should have known i was setting myself up. but i really was optimistic about being positive/ not speaking negatively for the next 30 days. well, the first day was ok..... i caught myself saying "come on grandpa!" (inside my closed car) to the poor man as he SLOWLY, very SLOWLY pulled out in front of me as we were both leaving the parking lot of the post office. but i caught it & dropped it as i patiently inched behind him for what felt like 20 minutes. but this morning i spewed out some negative venom in the direction of my mom when i woke up from too little sleep, a headache, my mind full of the things i needed to do all day & how every little thing was getting in my way..... making it (life) that much more difficult.

negativity 1/ amy 0....

but maybe by the end of this month i'll be so keyed into what i let/ or don't let flow out of my mouth that maybe by september i will be speaking more positively. maybe this month isn't about just switching it on or off like a light switch ("ok now i'm suzy sunshine") but maybe it'll help me be aware of how to control it better. for my sake, the people i'm around & most importantly lena. i don't want her to grow up to be a negative person....

so new realistic goal for a momentarily single mom whose husband is at war, who does not get enough sleep, who is most likely battling post-partum depression, who is living with her mom (under a small, getting smaller by the day house) who puts unrealistic expectations on herself..... who now has a new goal of simply being aware & honestly wanting to speak more positively or at least cut back on the negative trash talk so that her daughter doesn't inherit a debbie downer persona..... so there. deep breath, readjust & get on with it.