miss representation

go to this site, see the film, spread the word, inform yourself, teach others, stand up for women's rights. i've always had issues with the portrayal of women in the media. so glad to see a mass movement emerging that can hopefully shift the oppressive & damaging societal norms that exist in our culture.

http://missrepresentation.org/

today is ah-mazing!

free at last, free at last, yeah yeah..... but really, i am so free of those crutches & the knee machine. the dreaded knee machine! 7 weeks - done! i am walking & it feels good. today is the official day of freedom, but honestly i cheated & started walking a little on wednesday.... shh...

but yes i logged a whopping 131 hours & 42 minutes on the knee machine. imagine if i had done the prescribed 6-8 hours a day how many more hours that would be??? i think on the best (worst) of days i probably logged about 4-5 hours. but no more i tell ya!!

even though i was tied to this thing for 7 weeks, it really did help! ;)

it feels great & it's a beautiful fall day here! the weekend is supposed to be awesome & i can get out & enjoy it! only thing missing now is my husband..... but the time will come. counting down now..... not much longer!! but then we go back to guam.... which i have mixed feelings about. i strangely miss guam. but i do not want to go back for the holidays.... i want to stay here, watch the leaves change, feel the brisk air, see my breath in the cold, celebrate the holidays for realsies with the correct season. not hot jungle. just doesn't go. but we have one last thanksgiving & christmas & then we're off to somewhere that hopefully has seasons (4 of them)

where lena can bundle up like this.....

such a cute snuggle bunny!!

dr jekyll & mrs hyde

ok, for those of you who know me well this post will not come as a surprise. for those who only read my blog & see my writings of positivity & my desires to be a calm, quiet mom this is a different side. i have postpartum depression. i have always battled depression. and i need to face it and admit it because as much as i want (desperately want) it to go away on it's own, it won't. i am embarrassed by my past & present struggles with this. but it is what it is & i can't hide from it. i am getting treatment now. but i (& my family) have been dealing with PPD for several months. and even though i'm in treatment now (therapy & anti-depressants), i am not well.

lena & i have a close connection (thank goodness) but i worry about how my negativity & my anxiety & my irritability is affecting her. i also worry about the medication and nursing her. the doc has reassured me that the amount that passes through to her is so small they can't measure it..... but it's still medication & i worry about long term affects. but the benefit outweighs the risk at this point. & that is why i waited so long before taking medication. i was concerned for her. but i failed to see that living with someone who is depressed will impact her in a negative way as well. my relationship with lena is wonderful. i interact with her in positive ways, have always attended to her needs, love & care for her as i would if i was not depressed. but it comes out with the people i live with. & lena is a witness to that. so it is hurting her. and since the knee surgery & living with crutches my outlook has not been so bright. but i keep hoping it will get better & i keep telling myself "do something, change this, stop being this way" & honestly i can't.... i really feel like i can't. that is why i'm writing this. i need to find me in all this. right now all i see & feel is the depression. but i hope that i am stronger than what i'm going through. and i hope lena is ok. i hope she is more than ok. & i hope that if anyone reads this & knows someone who struggles with PPD that they get help for it. i hate that i'm on medication. part of me still believes this is all in my head & i should just snap out of it. but i've tried that. all my life. & it keeps coming back & i have to seek treatment. & i'm trying not to feel like i failed, but that because i'm in treatment i'm succeeding. it's a long road, but at least i'm back on the right path.

well, it's september

& this means 2 things...... i have a whole new month to try something new (aka keep working on last months epic fail - click for the link) & that the worst is almost over. i am a week & a half into knee surgery recovery & it's going well ?!?! ...... my knee feels great, but it really is a struggle for me & all those trying to help me & lena. but we're getting through it & the time on crutches is only (hopefully) 2 & a half weeks left at this point. & the other worst almost over part of all this is that jeff will be coming back from deployment soon. it's not soon enough but it's close enough to really think about it & start to get excited! so i have to keep working on my positivity (even though i'm hobbling around on one leg, lena & i are both sick with colds) - just had to vent - but there are good things going on & we'll get through this & it's all temporary. so i just have to keep reminding myself to keep it in perspective.

30 day challenge

new diet/ workout craze? financial makeover? nope, but i could (& honestly should, do both of those)..... but this 30 day challenge is just about finding something new (or in my case a goal to stick to) to do for the next 30 days. the video from TED speaker Matt Cutts (click his name for the link) inspired me to do this for the month of august. so my "new thing"..... well, it's kinda easy & something i do throughout the day anyway, but not as much as i'd like & not always with full attention & intention..... i will do something nice each day, ALONG with only saying positive things. that one will be hard. i complain more than i should (that's putting it nicely). & i don't always show my gratitude & appreciation. & i let the little things (like rude cashiers, bad drivers, etc) get to me .... to the point where i'm trashing the air with my own negative comments. so this month i will try to only say positive things. i will probably slip up & i know my thoughts won't all be sunshine & puppies, but my intention will be there. so that's my 30 day challenge. & i'll update how it's going on here. are you up for one too? what would you do for 30 days?

what the f tuesdays

ok, not that today was bad, but difficult. i won't go into detail, but the reality of this move is sinking in. we have the date, approximately....... i never commit to anything anymore, you never know- with the military. i used to be so definite, now i'm much more the "as of now" type of girl.

ugh, i'm facing it all now...... or it's making itself more clear..........

only 3 days to visit with my mom & sister before i move across the world for 2 years. flowers from one of my 4th graders today & a card she wrote (beautifully) that made me cry. got teary when i was teaching my 8th graders.... i thought back to when they were in 3rd grade & how they've grown over the years. thinking about starting a family when we get to guam, not being ready.... tuesday talks. watching rehearsal for snow scene in nutcracker, not being able to perform. ugh.

well, the positive, is that i'm searching for the positive, i want to find the good that is here. there is abundant positivity, & i know it & i'm excited about this move, but it's alot. no matter what life brings, there is always worth & there is always value & i'm gonna keep bringing that up, because it's so easy to complain & it's so easy to feel put off or that things are unfair or "if only"......... well, this is it........ & i like "it", i'm not trying to be all rosey colored glasses. but damn, "it's" good. there is so much that's good. but IT is hard. & THAT is good. if it was easy would anyone value "IT"?

thank goodness tuesday is over. only 2 more until i get to be face to face with the ONE. MY ONE. i only have about a week & a half until i stop working regularly. yay & ouch. i feel a bit more ouch right now.