so i guess i don't need 27 diapers & other things i learned

like that lena loves the ittsy-bittsy spider song, repeated over & over again

and that people on an airplane are not phased by a crazy woman singing the ittsy-bittsy spider song over & over again as she rocks back & forth in her seat the entire flight

and that i can change a diaper on top of the toilet in a teeny tiny lavatory during turbulence, as well as pee while holding a child in a teeny tiny lavatory during turbulence

and that i no longer have the time or energy to be worried about what other people think of me as i do what i have to do for my daughter - including wearing poo covered jeans for 15 hours & having spit up all over my shirt as i walk around LAX & taking up the entire walkway as i push a stroller & a luggage cart through customs in hawaii

and most importantly that there are many, many kind, helpful & understandable people in this world

& i feel very accomplished (as noted in the picture - horrible hair, glasses, poo pants & all)...... i survived 27 hours of international travel all by myself with a 4 & 1/2 month old! & it went much better than i had been envisioning in the several weeks/ months prior to our departure. lena was amazing during the trip, she slept most of the time, only cried during take off on 3 of the flights & at the gate in LAX & chicago.

what a life experience. & i send a huge thank you to the navy guy who helped me navigate through customs in hawaii, the military wife who was behind me as we had to go through security AGAIN in hawaii, jim (retired air force - sensing a pattern here) & lisa who tried to convince the boarding guy to let me on before 1st class in hawaii, the woman from saipan who sat next to me & gave me gum on the flight from hawaii to LAX, the german couple who also tried to convince the boarding guy to let me board first in LA, the couple from roanoke who at first gave me a dirty look as i rolled up to the gate area with a crying baby, but later offered to help as we waited to board in chicago. and all the many others who kept their rolling eyes or irritated comments to themselves & to the others who were patient as i struggled with baby, stroller, carrier, 3-1-1 bag, breast milk, lap top, shoes, 2 carry on bags and all during the security check points.

i am pleased to determine the trip a success. yes she cried, yes she had a blow out, yes she peed all over herself, me & the changing table somewhere above the pacific ocean, yes i had to sing in front of people, yes i smelled like baby poo & b.o by the time we got to roanoke, & yes i barely had anything to eat for like 30 hours, but i was a happy camper & i think lena was too.

for 3 of the 4 flights we had the entire row to ourselves.... maybe it was because i called ahead & spoke to someone to arrange our seats ahead of time, maybe it was all the rocking & singing (the guy next to us on the flight from guam to hawaii asked to be reseated), maybe it was purchasing extra legroom seats, maybe all of the above, but it was awesome to spread out & not worry about someone elbowing my child in the head & to have a place to stash all the extra stuff.

and man, were there ever a lot of extra stuff. i did pack 27 diapers & probably only used 12. i had tylenol, gas drops, thermometer, saline drops, extra clothes (which was the only thing i really did use), extra bibs & burp cloths, extra shirts for me (which i needed, but never got around to changing - it was hard enough trying to pee with a baby, much less change clothes)..... but we made it & now are dealing with the jet lag. the first night was the worst, 3 & 1/2 hours of non-stop crying, the second night was better- we were awake again from 1-4am, but not crying the whole time, just playing, singing (again!) & rocking until we both fell asleep. & last night, we were up from 1230 - 2, so it's getting better!

so happy to be here, but we miss daddy! we can't wait to see him when he has some leave in a week or so..... & then he's off to the desert. we will miss him so much! but like we proved during the trip, we will get through it!

let's celebrate: 100 & 4 months!

ok, this is my 100th post! & lena is 4 months old! yipee!

here are lena's 4 month updates:

weight: 14.4

forgot what her height was.... i think 25 in??

she's doing well, except for the baby eczema she has..... the nooks of her elbows & knees are so red & we've been using a prescribed lotion & hydrocortisone cream, which works well, but i am hesitant to use the hydrocortisone too much.....

she can roll over both ways, although from her back to her tummy is her favorite & seems easier for her than the other way, but we've seen her kick it from her tummy to her back

she tries really hard to get her foot in her mouth, but it always slips out at the last second

she is interested more in her toys & likes to hold on to them & of course put them in her mouth

she is sleeping well, sometimes she has an early morning awakening (3 or 4am) but usually goes back to sleep after being rocked, but most nights she sleeps 11-12 hours with 3-4 feedings/ diaper changes

she naps a lot less during the day

i think that's about all, gotta make this short, lots to do before we leave.... NEXT WEEK! i can't believe how fast time goes, we'll be heading out to the states so soon!! can't wait to be back!!

willingness

willingness to let go, willingness to learn, willingness to accept...... i am struggling with an overwhelming fear of flying with miss lena..... as well as trying to be malleable as i learn how to be the best mom for lena. & this isn't easy, & it isn't about me. i knew that logically before she was born, but now that she's here it can be difficult to really face the reality that i'm not in control of everything, she is her own person (& by some people's definition "a difficult baby") but she is who she is and it isn't bad. in fact the things that some may see as undesirable can serve as strengths for her one day. but right now she is loud & she is fussy (a lot) & she is sweet & she loves to smile & she loves to cry & scream & she loves to spit up (a lot) & she loves to be entertained & she loves to have the attention on her. really... this kid knows when you are focused on her or not.... if i talk while she's nursing she will stop eating, look up at me & if she's really upset about it, will proceed to cry, but if she's just slightly bothered will give me a look like "mom, be quiet, i'm trying to eat" & then go back to nursing once i'm quiet & looking at her. really.

& yeah, last monday i went to an enlisted spouses meeting at chilli's & thought how nice it would be for her, she likes being out seeing new things, she loves being held & interacting with people.... it'll be a great time. well, as soon as i order she starts to get fussy. so my friend joy takes her & walks her around a bit, but she's not soothing down very well, so i take her & we go outside, but it's really hot so we go in & walk around. well, lena is screaming at the top of her lungs, i'm trying to feed her (maybe she's hungry) but no, she's just tearing at the nursing cover screaming & arching her back, so we continue to walk & it just gets worse, so i take her outside until the waitress can wrap the food up to go & bring me the check. & the whole table of spouses, most of whom are mothers (& there were 3 other "well behaved" babies there) were sympathetic, but i could tell they were kinda floored.... "wow, she's got some lungs" "is she colicky?" "will she take a pacifier?"..... those were just a few of the well meaning comments. but at the time i just wanted to get the hell out of there. it's frustrating, because i don't think there is anything seriously wrong with lena, but i don't know what she wants or needs & she is inconsolable. & it makes me feel like a bad mom. & then she goes home & snuggles & is so sweet. she is an intense baby. & i feel like this is a huge lesson for me. it's like someone is handing me a mirror in the form of my child. i am intense & lena has so many of the same characteristics as i do. very up & down. at one end of the spectrum or the other. & i am so trying to appreciate her for who she is, i'll admit there are times when i wish she was one of those calm mellow babies, but she's not & she is perfect the way she is. it's me who has to change, i need to change my outlook, learn to be more patient, not worry about other peoples opinions (i really do know my child the best out of anyone) & learn to see these trying times as lessons or adventures or times that are really no big deal.... because she is healthy, she is growing, she is learning about the world & i don't want my opinions of what i'd rather her do inform how she develops. i want to accept the way she is & not have any negative emotion cloud how i perceive my daughter.

but i'm still scared to death to get on that plane & travel with her for 24 hours. trying to let it go.... it'll be what it'll be & hopefully i'll never have to see anyone that's on the plane with us ever again....