lena's faux 1st b-day: a seasonal stateside celebration

so we had a party for my dear miss this weekend. she doesn't actually turn one until december, but we wanted to celebrate with family while we're over here in the states. & of course celebrate my favorite season. so we had a fall b-day & we'll do a summer one once we're in guam. how appropriate that she'll have a summer b-day party in december. OOG! (only on guam)

momma & the birthday girl

but yes, we had lovely fall decorations (pumpkins & gourds we bought at the farmers market) & leaves from outside.... NOGAA (not on guam at all) & we served a big pot of chili, apple cider & lena's "cake" was a pumpkin muffin we got from a vendor at the market too! so fall-ish! & we had some of lena's favorite foods.... broccoli & guacamole. of course.

the cousins came & cohen mowed grammy's yard all evening & then after mowing he took off his pants & undies & went streaking. (no pics... too dark, but really so funny)

i bought her a birthday headband to wear (& you might be seeing it in the guam festivities too) it is just so dang cute.... it lasted about one minute.

clearly i'm enjoying this much more than she is....

lena did not like her pumpkin spice muffin so mom felt bad & caved & gave the girl a taste of the good stuff.... ice cream! i think it goes without saying how she liked that.

"where's my cake??!!!"

presents!

baby's 1st money.... cha-ching!

& shared her new toys with her cousin until he decided he wanted the ball. girlfriend may be petite, but she's scrappy & ended up with the ball!

it was a great party, minus having daddy there. but he will be there for the actual day! not much longer now at all!! yay!!!

miss representation

go to this site, see the film, spread the word, inform yourself, teach others, stand up for women's rights. i've always had issues with the portrayal of women in the media. so glad to see a mass movement emerging that can hopefully shift the oppressive & damaging societal norms that exist in our culture.

http://missrepresentation.org/

i heart

my heart is with these mountains..... i love the blue ridge! there is something just so special about this area. maybe it's different when you're from here, i dunno. but i really miss it when i'm gone. look at how beautiful!!

today is ah-mazing!

free at last, free at last, yeah yeah..... but really, i am so free of those crutches & the knee machine. the dreaded knee machine! 7 weeks - done! i am walking & it feels good. today is the official day of freedom, but honestly i cheated & started walking a little on wednesday.... shh...

but yes i logged a whopping 131 hours & 42 minutes on the knee machine. imagine if i had done the prescribed 6-8 hours a day how many more hours that would be??? i think on the best (worst) of days i probably logged about 4-5 hours. but no more i tell ya!!

even though i was tied to this thing for 7 weeks, it really did help! ;)

it feels great & it's a beautiful fall day here! the weekend is supposed to be awesome & i can get out & enjoy it! only thing missing now is my husband..... but the time will come. counting down now..... not much longer!! but then we go back to guam.... which i have mixed feelings about. i strangely miss guam. but i do not want to go back for the holidays.... i want to stay here, watch the leaves change, feel the brisk air, see my breath in the cold, celebrate the holidays for realsies with the correct season. not hot jungle. just doesn't go. but we have one last thanksgiving & christmas & then we're off to somewhere that hopefully has seasons (4 of them)

where lena can bundle up like this.....

such a cute snuggle bunny!!

whatcha got against babies?

so this sunday we all went to brunch. we had a groupon coupon to a restaurant we've never been to downtown on the market (name withheld, but if you really wanna know i'll tell ya) anyway, so we get there & it's a pretty nice place & i'm of course on crutches, hobbling in, already self-conscious & say "we've got 3 & a high chair". so the waiter asks if we have reservations & i say no & he says hold on. so we're waiting & i look around & notice no babies, no kids. more self-conscious. but this is where it gets crazy, he takes us to the back room.... the back room! we're the only ones in there & it's nice, don't get me wrong, but we clearly we're put away from everyone else. yes there were more tables in the main dinning area, plus patio seats open. but our waiter was nice & lena of course was a doll, sat there quietly, ate nicely (we only got one drip on the tablecloth)..... but ya know, some places are like that. so we experienced our first anti-kid discrimination act. & honestly it was no big deal after it's all said & done, we still had a nice brunch, had the room to ourselves & got to go out the back door like celebrities, or maybe that it was closer to the car for me on the crutches.....

but who could hate on a face like this?

maybe if they know she eats like this.....

good thing we didn't have spaghetti.....

lena says "hey dad"

so how cute is this? i am so lucky i caught her first words on video (never mind it's sideways) anyway she's been hamming it up in front of the mirror the past few nights & i wanted to get it on video & lucked out when she says "hey dad"!!!

things not to forget

lena is 9 months old..... where does the time go???

here are a list of the wonders of lena.....

i love how you hold my hand while you're nursing

you've started pulling up (& letting go!) & you're taking steps

you are a great crawler

you're getting another tooth ... bottom left side, beside the two middles - this makes 6!!

we say "bird" & you look out the window to the bird feeder

you are curious, very very curious..... you have to see, touch, taste everything!

you shake your head no when you don't want anymore food

you wave (at appropriate times & also just on your own when you feel like it)

you bring your hands together & haven't made the clap sound but you're working on it

you are still so interested in the dog & cat & sometimes you & the dog have screeching/ howling matches

you giggle..... a lot

you stop what you're doing, listen & smile when you talk to daddy on the phone

you hold your sippy with both hands & tilt it back like a frat boy at a kegger .... you love some water!

favorite foods - bread, pasta, cheese, broccoli, peaches, avocado, & mango

you don't like - pineapple or strawberries too much (weirdo)

love you beaner!!

remembrance

sending prayers today as we remember.......

in need of some photos

my past several posts have been nothing but words.... boring! how bout some cuteness..... check out this little lady's latest stunt (she's starting to "cruise" now too!

dr jekyll & mrs hyde

ok, for those of you who know me well this post will not come as a surprise. for those who only read my blog & see my writings of positivity & my desires to be a calm, quiet mom this is a different side. i have postpartum depression. i have always battled depression. and i need to face it and admit it because as much as i want (desperately want) it to go away on it's own, it won't. i am embarrassed by my past & present struggles with this. but it is what it is & i can't hide from it. i am getting treatment now. but i (& my family) have been dealing with PPD for several months. and even though i'm in treatment now (therapy & anti-depressants), i am not well.

lena & i have a close connection (thank goodness) but i worry about how my negativity & my anxiety & my irritability is affecting her. i also worry about the medication and nursing her. the doc has reassured me that the amount that passes through to her is so small they can't measure it..... but it's still medication & i worry about long term affects. but the benefit outweighs the risk at this point. & that is why i waited so long before taking medication. i was concerned for her. but i failed to see that living with someone who is depressed will impact her in a negative way as well. my relationship with lena is wonderful. i interact with her in positive ways, have always attended to her needs, love & care for her as i would if i was not depressed. but it comes out with the people i live with. & lena is a witness to that. so it is hurting her. and since the knee surgery & living with crutches my outlook has not been so bright. but i keep hoping it will get better & i keep telling myself "do something, change this, stop being this way" & honestly i can't.... i really feel like i can't. that is why i'm writing this. i need to find me in all this. right now all i see & feel is the depression. but i hope that i am stronger than what i'm going through. and i hope lena is ok. i hope she is more than ok. & i hope that if anyone reads this & knows someone who struggles with PPD that they get help for it. i hate that i'm on medication. part of me still believes this is all in my head & i should just snap out of it. but i've tried that. all my life. & it keeps coming back & i have to seek treatment. & i'm trying not to feel like i failed, but that because i'm in treatment i'm succeeding. it's a long road, but at least i'm back on the right path.

aw, sorry blog

how could i have missed my blogiversary? i can't believe i've had a blog for 2 years now. well, 2 years & 4 days..... wink.

a comedy, of sorts

yesterday: we packed up all the stuff we had over at the recovery house...... jumperoos, crib, baby food, bottles, clothes, diapers, toys, books.... you get the idea.... plus the knee stuff - the machine, the other machine (one is a huge leg moving machine that takes up the entire coffee table & the other a cooler/ compressor combo with tubes that beep & are constantly kinked up) ..... & i say 'we' moved stuff, but all i could do is sit there & entertain lena as i watched my family move all our stuff back to my moms. which was kinda funny at times, but it gets better.....

last night (the funny part): so we finally, around 8pm, got things organized enough to put baby down. & we had the humidifier, vicks for her feet, elevated crib mattress... the whole deal in hopes it'll help her cold..... & miss thing slept from 8 until 4am! unheard of! now picture this, i wake up, look at my watch & immediately start thinking scary mom thoughts... slide myself to the end of the bed (crutches at the other end AND other side) & i peer into her crib to see if she's breathing. can't tell. so i hop out on my one working leg, hop over to her crib, wobbly & sleepy & the whole balance thing not happening (you try & balance on one leg at 4am)..... get to her crib & put my hand on her back & she's alive. whew. but now..... she's awake. & ready to play. damn. & so it goes.

today: my child is a genius! no really. she is. this morning she was in her jumperoo that doesn't jump (i don't know what those are called - play station?) anyway, i was on the couch with my leg in the coffee table leg machine watching her play. the dog came in the room & laid down behind her. so i said to little one.... "look behind you, the doggie is back there" & she did! she looked behind her (she didn't turn far enough to see the dog, but there was no question - she turned around). so she turned back to me & i said it again & guess what - she did it again & then a 3rd time!! (& she eventually turned far enough to see the dog) genius i tell you!!

an exhausted feeling of accomplishment

scene: nightfall, guest bedroom recovery house

characters: baby ballerina, mommy ballerina with guest artist & help du jour - grandpa

the bad guys: an injured knee & crutches, a too hot & too small bed in a house that isn't ours, an irritating cold with runny noses & coughs, an impatient mommy with a short temper & need for sleep

scene 1:

baby ballerina is down for the night in her crib. she awakens. she is carried by grandpa into the bedroom of mommy ballerina, where she joins mommy & nurses for a bit & falls asleep. mommy falls asleep a long 45 minutes later.

scene 2:

baby ballerina is restless.... tossing & turning & waking mommy ballerina. this continues for 45 minutes. baby ballerina decides to do her exercises..... lunge, kick, turn, toss, crawl, kick, squirm, push, bounce, kick (emphasis on kicking). this continues for 45 minutes. mommy ballerina is awake & tired but calmly & quietly wrangling the excited, energized baby. then baby ballerina's mood turns sour as she cries, wails, & screams. this continues for 45 minutes. all the while grandpa is waiting outside the room, concerned for the ballerinas.

scene 3:

mommy ballerina quietly holds baby ballerina as she nears the end of her crying spell. they cuddle, nurse & baby ballerina starts to drift off. but she awakens again & cries & coughs & coughs & cries. they snuggle & nurse again. finally baby ballerina is asleep. mommy ballerina tries to drift off, all the while feeling relieved & proud as she did not raise her voice, get frustrated or upset during the middle of the night scenes.

synopsis...... so i'm writing about this because i feel like i was the mom i wanted to be last night. the previous night the same scenario happened but my reaction was way different. lena has been sick & not sleeping well & i've been sick & tired & am frustrated with these crutches. the night before was a chaotic mix of lena crying or playing around, me irritatingly snapping at her about why she won't sleep, grandpa running lena back to her crib, back to my bed, back to the crib, back to the bed & none of us had a good night. so even though i am tired & i really want her to sleep more tonight, i feel a sense of accomplishment that i quietly, calmly dealt with her erratic lack of sleep problem. i was quiet the whole time, minus a few times at the end when i comforted her as she was crying. i just kinda let her do her thing.... was there to protect her from rolling off the bed, but did not give into her crying, did not try to make her do anything, i just sat there & let her experience what she was going to go through. i am not really up for letting her cry it out at night, which many people suggest i do. i just don't feel right about it. & we haven't totally ditched the sleeping in the big bed. before the surgery we were close to all night in her crib, but now that i can't easily carry her to her crib after night nursing, i kinda just let her stay in bed with me. i like the closeness with her, but man, this girl is big... & pushy & takes up the whole bed. so i think once i can walk again we'll get back to the all night crib thing. i'll let ya know how that goes..... here's a good article about crying it out..... i think a lot of this applies for long periods of crying, but still i just can't handle her crying for too long.....

well, it's september

& this means 2 things...... i have a whole new month to try something new (aka keep working on last months epic fail - click for the link) & that the worst is almost over. i am a week & a half into knee surgery recovery & it's going well ?!?! ...... my knee feels great, but it really is a struggle for me & all those trying to help me & lena. but we're getting through it & the time on crutches is only (hopefully) 2 & a half weeks left at this point. & the other worst almost over part of all this is that jeff will be coming back from deployment soon. it's not soon enough but it's close enough to really think about it & start to get excited! so i have to keep working on my positivity (even though i'm hobbling around on one leg, lena & i are both sick with colds) - just had to vent - but there are good things going on & we'll get through this & it's all temporary. so i just have to keep reminding myself to keep it in perspective.

great minds think alike

this is so funny i have to share! my friend & fellow guam blogger (click here for link) just posted about her plans for her little one's birthday & i wanted to jump on the bandwagon..... i'm also just super excited about planning it & plus i've totally fallen down the pintrest hole.... spending WAY too long on there. but there are so many great ideas i just can't wait to get to..... but have to mend this knee, get off the crutches & get back to guam for a bunch of them. but that doesn't mean the wheels aren't turning now. especially since i've seen my friends blog (& i honestly hope she doesn't think of me as one of those friends who is a copy cat - i think her party is totally gonna be way cooler than the one i plan, she's much more organized & more of an entertainer & party thrower than i am.... i just think it's cool we have the same kinda idea & that we both live somewhere where we can actually do this idea)

ok, so the idea is to have a beach themed birthday party in guam for lena! she's a december baby & i doubt there will be any other year it will make sense to have a beach themed birthday party for her. i was debating about actually having it at the beach, but not sure how i would keep the cake from melting all over the place, plus bugs & food are not always the best combo. so we might just have the party at our house & still have the beach theme. this is where my friend is inspiring me.... she has all kinds of cool ideas picked out (from pintrest!) for decorations, invitations & favors. & the farthest i've gotten is the actual location. so now i'm inspired to think about the details (& i promise not to steal any of her ideas!) pintrest here i come! :)

third times a charm

well, i had my knee surgery monday & i think it went really well. i had previously had 2 surgeries on the left knee & those went ok.... if you don't count the sickness from anesthesia or the fact that it usually takes 3 nurses & 2 collapsed veins before anyone can get the IV in me (darn rolling veins). but this time was great, the nurse got the IV in the first time, no painful poking & prodding like before & i woke up from the anesthesia not feeling groggy & there was no puking! yay! lena did great, she went with me & grammy to the hospital & she napped, snacked & was a really good girl the whole time we were there! & now we're staying at my mom's friend's house while they're away on vacay for 2 weeks. & this is a lifesaver because it's all one floor (no stairs!) & lena has a separate room.... which means we're not waking each other up in the middle of the night like we do when we share a room! so now it's just on to recovery - crutches, no driving & percocets for a little while. & then soon daddy will be coming home & we'll be heading back to guam! and fingers crossed the years of ballet abuse have been fixed & i will not be needing anymore knee surgeries!

here's a pic of my leg in my knee machine.... it is a range of motion machine that i'm suppose to use 6-8 hours a day! who has time for that? i think i've managed to get in 4.5 hrs, not bad with a little one around!

could always be worse

ok, so found out about my knee..... will be needing surgery. the good news, i've been through this before (on my left knee).... the bad news, well i have to have surgery again. oh & i didn't have a baby last time. going through 6-8 weeks on crutches is no fun, but i can only imagine how much more difficult it will be trying to care for lena. but the bright side of this is i can still hug her (not having surgery on my arms) & it's only temporary..... it feels like forever when you're in it. but it's really not that long in the grand scheme of things. oh & the 30 days positive thing. i think i lost 2 days in there when i found out about this. oh well. keep trying. today was much better. one thing that is helping me is to think about each moment as i'm in it...... like right now i'm venting, documenting my feelings & what's going on in my world while sitting on my mom's screened in porch while my baby sleeps & i just finished a nice glass of wine..... that is definitely good.

epic fail.... kinda

well, i should have known i was setting myself up. but i really was optimistic about being positive/ not speaking negatively for the next 30 days. well, the first day was ok..... i caught myself saying "come on grandpa!" (inside my closed car) to the poor man as he SLOWLY, very SLOWLY pulled out in front of me as we were both leaving the parking lot of the post office. but i caught it & dropped it as i patiently inched behind him for what felt like 20 minutes. but this morning i spewed out some negative venom in the direction of my mom when i woke up from too little sleep, a headache, my mind full of the things i needed to do all day & how every little thing was getting in my way..... making it (life) that much more difficult.

negativity 1/ amy 0....

but maybe by the end of this month i'll be so keyed into what i let/ or don't let flow out of my mouth that maybe by september i will be speaking more positively. maybe this month isn't about just switching it on or off like a light switch ("ok now i'm suzy sunshine") but maybe it'll help me be aware of how to control it better. for my sake, the people i'm around & most importantly lena. i don't want her to grow up to be a negative person....

so new realistic goal for a momentarily single mom whose husband is at war, who does not get enough sleep, who is most likely battling post-partum depression, who is living with her mom (under a small, getting smaller by the day house) who puts unrealistic expectations on herself..... who now has a new goal of simply being aware & honestly wanting to speak more positively or at least cut back on the negative trash talk so that her daughter doesn't inherit a debbie downer persona..... so there. deep breath, readjust & get on with it.

30 day challenge

new diet/ workout craze? financial makeover? nope, but i could (& honestly should, do both of those)..... but this 30 day challenge is just about finding something new (or in my case a goal to stick to) to do for the next 30 days. the video from TED speaker Matt Cutts (click his name for the link) inspired me to do this for the month of august. so my "new thing"..... well, it's kinda easy & something i do throughout the day anyway, but not as much as i'd like & not always with full attention & intention..... i will do something nice each day, ALONG with only saying positive things. that one will be hard. i complain more than i should (that's putting it nicely). & i don't always show my gratitude & appreciation. & i let the little things (like rude cashiers, bad drivers, etc) get to me .... to the point where i'm trashing the air with my own negative comments. so this month i will try to only say positive things. i will probably slip up & i know my thoughts won't all be sunshine & puppies, but my intention will be there. so that's my 30 day challenge. & i'll update how it's going on here. are you up for one too? what would you do for 30 days?

a day in pictures

so today i decided to take pictures of everything (well, almost everything) we do. mostly for daddy, so he can feel closer to us & what we're up to while he's gone. but also because i thought today would be pretty interesting..... we had planned on going to an outdoor concert/ food festival kinda thing at a winery about 45 minutes away & then a major rain storm this afternoon made us change our plans. but before that i thought it would be kinda neat because i knew we were gonna go eat indian food for lunch & we hadn't been out to eat in a while (except for some take out from panera once) & then i thought the concert thing would have been interesting... so that's why i chose today. i think i want to do an abbreviated version on a normal day too, maybe a working day, so jeff (& anyone else, bueller, bueller?) can see that version of a day too....

but without further adieu, i present to you.... "a day of photos"

ps. you can click on them to make them bigger....

after waking... a little snuggle time

dressing my little sunflower

breakfast

& prunes it is....

trying to pick up a piece of cherry

grammy's morning goods from the garden

watching daddy read to us

daddy on tv

my silly girl

sleeping beauty

upon waking

at lunch.... indian buffet, yum-o!

& then the rain....

time for gymnastics & laundry

a change of clothes

looking out the window at the rain

lots of rain

caleb wants to drive

can't fit anymore babies back there

my sis & her diet coke...

the hungry kiddos

coloring the plant

potty break

time for night-night

mommy time

not again....

within the next week & a half i will know whether or not i will need surgery on my knee, my OTHER knee. yes, i've had knee surgery before..... twice.... on my poor left knee, twice. and now, AND NOW, i might be in need of another surgery on my poor right knee. you know, i won't get all into the details & i won't go all pity-party (trust me i have dipped into the pity pool a few times since last week when i injured it, but not now, not here).... i saw the doc today & felt discouraged leaving the hospital, but after i got home all i could think about was the fact that my daughter is healthy & my husband is alive. & that made me smile. i was talking with a friend on the phone & heard about some of the struggles she has had conceiving. & i think about the wounded soldiers who come home with out the use of their limbs or the ones who don't make it home. perspective. yes i'm upset, but i also feel grateful. & humbled. & i try to keep the big picture of this all.... this life, this world, in perspective.

guam versus the states

so this post is a long time coming. what that really means i don't know, just wanted to say it, hope i'm using that slang in the right context...... but ANYWAY, since being back in the states for a little while i'm really noticing the differences between guam and here. i think it's kinda funny...... so a little comparison is in order...

on the phone :

in guam someone calls & gets the wrong number the conversation on the other side usually sounds a little like this.... "hello, is fabien there?" "oh, no fabien?" "really, i thought i was calling fabien" "well, do you sell cows?" "are you sure?" ...... really you have to ask if i'm sure, like i'm hiding some secret cow farm from you..... really??

in the us it's more like "oh i'm sorry" & then they hang up when you tell them they have the wrong number.... no 5 minute conversation about how i might or might not sell cows.....

on the street:

in guam the fastest you can go is around 35 miles, with people not using the passing lane for passing or the turning lane for turning

in the us you get honked at & given the finger if you don't turn from the turning lane or if you're sitting in the passing lane blocking up traffic..... oh & there are interstates over here...... for those with a need for speed :)

in the grocery store:

in guam everything is shipped frozen & it takes forever, so some stuff like my favorite ice cream cones get melty & then are refrozen, so when you go to take a bite out of your ice cream cone, you get a soggy, mushy cone (it's the little things)

in the us i get a crunchy cone every time..... loving it! oh & the fact that the produce is fresh & plentiful

in the public:

in guam people are super friendly & nice & most military are respectful & kind as well, kind of an extended family type of feeling

here in the us people won't open doors, won't say thank you when you do, & true story - won't even smile back when you offer a friendly smile to the customer in line in front of you at target...... rude lady that actually glared at me, i'm pointing at you!

so i'm sure i'll revisit this theme, because there are some things i really like about guam - the people, the beach, soccer, the culture & then other things like my ice cream cones & the fact that i'm a $1500 flight away from family (& target) really make guam a hard place to be sometimes..... but no matter what i'm happy for the experience & it does make me appreciate both sides of things..... :)

things not to forget

so i kinda have stopped doing the whole update every month/ doc visit thing with lena. but i don't want to forget anything, especially these moments i find myself cherishing so much. they pass so quickly.... (you just turned 7 months old last week!)

so dear sweet lena, (my future self & my few readers) here are some wonderful things that i hope to always hold on to in my heart.......

your angelic sweet sleeping face

the way you rock back & forth trying to get the crawling thing down

you sit all on your own, but still working on getting there by your self

your crossed feet & ankles when you are on your knees, you sit just like daddy does

the way you raise your eyebrows while you're nursing

when you reach out for me for me to hold you

the nuzzles you give me while i hold you

those big, curious, intense blue eyes

your high chair hand banging & feet kicking when you're delighted about eating or the in between bites boredom

your soft soft light hair fuzz that reminds me of a newly hatched little chick

when you go to the "daddy cube" in your crib before every nap, as if to have some snuggle time with just him

the way you love feeding yourself puffs, so much that i had to start giving you a few at a time, because my dear, you would go after all the puffs on the tray & put them all in your mouth, making sure there were none on the tray before you started "chewing" & swallowing them

your sentences & sounds..... lots of "niyy", "eeerr", "aaayy", "tthhhhsssss" & you say them all with such conviction

the way you giggle when i hold you over my head, spin you around & give you kisses & raspberries on your neck

your intense fascination with the trees, plants, shrubs, anything green..... grammy says you'll be an arborist....

your smiles

your sweet smell

your baby breath - you have such sweet breath, even in the mornings, hahaha!

the way you (mostly) calm down & stop crying when you're in my arms

i love you so much my dear, you are growing so fast, i wish daddy was here to share all of these moments with us...... but there will be more.

lena waking from her nap, next to daddy with her legs sticking out the slats

daddy's book

here's a (touching) video of lena reading her "daddy's book"..... it's one of those books that you can record your voice reading & daddy recorded it before he left. we just got around to reading it for the first time last week, because, well honestly i couldn't open it & hear his voice reading these sweet words without breaking down. but i got over it, got my mom to record lena & my reactions & am posting it now. it really is a sweet thing to do for your child if you'll be apart for a while.

and in other book reading from afar news.... we got a dvd & a book from daddy in the desert. the uso over there has this great program where the daddys (or mommys) can video tape themselves reading a book & then the uso will make a dvd & send it, along with the book to your kids. so cool! & we watched that today! & again i cried. but lena loves seeing & hearing daddy! we miss you so much! each day is closer to seeing you!