lena & i have a close connection (thank goodness) but i worry about how my negativity & my anxiety & my irritability is affecting her. i also worry about the medication and nursing her. the doc has reassured me that the amount that passes through to her is so small they can't measure it..... but it's still medication & i worry about long term affects. but the benefit outweighs the risk at this point. & that is why i waited so long before taking medication. i was concerned for her. but i failed to see that living with someone who is depressed will impact her in a negative way as well. my relationship with lena is wonderful. i interact with her in positive ways, have always attended to her needs, love & care for her as i would if i was not depressed. but it comes out with the people i live with. & lena is a witness to that. so it is hurting her. and since the knee surgery & living with crutches my outlook has not been so bright. but i keep hoping it will get better & i keep telling myself "do something, change this, stop being this way" & honestly i can't.... i really feel like i can't. that is why i'm writing this. i need to find me in all this. right now all i see & feel is the depression. but i hope that i am stronger than what i'm going through. and i hope lena is ok. i hope she is more than ok. & i hope that if anyone reads this & knows someone who struggles with PPD that they get help for it. i hate that i'm on medication. part of me still believes this is all in my head & i should just snap out of it. but i've tried that. all my life. & it keeps coming back & i have to seek treatment. & i'm trying not to feel like i failed, but that because i'm in treatment i'm succeeding. it's a long road, but at least i'm back on the right path.
dr jekyll & mrs hyde
ok, for those of you who know me well this post will not come as a surprise. for those who only read my blog & see my writings of positivity & my desires to be a calm, quiet mom this is a different side. i have postpartum depression. i have always battled depression. and i need to face it and admit it because as much as i want (desperately want) it to go away on it's own, it won't. i am embarrassed by my past & present struggles with this. but it is what it is & i can't hide from it. i am getting treatment now. but i (& my family) have been dealing with PPD for several months. and even though i'm in treatment now (therapy & anti-depressants), i am not well.
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3 comments:
Oh, you poor thing. Don't you HATE it when people say that?? Or, oh bless her heart! I hate that one too, and I'm from down south so I hear it ALL. THE. TIME.
I hope that pretty soon you don't hesitate one single second before popping that pill in your mouth. Yes, diet and exercise do wonders for the baby blues, but sometimes, there's just something that is NOT RIGHT. And thank God we now have modern medicine that can HELP make it right again. I'm so so sorry that you've been struggling with this, and I hope that it gets better sooner than later. I had pretty debilitating anxiety after my third baby, and I was so so so ashamed (while it was happening) that I needed to be medicated to get through it. But now? Looking back? Hello! I GOT THROUGH IT! I took some meds, and I continued to function! I provided for my children and didn't want to drown myself in a bath tub at the end of the day. Win and win.
All this rambling to say: hang in there. It will most likely get a thousand times better. There's NOTHING to be ashamed of. Try to remember that there is a huge difference between being helpless and needing some help. You aren't helpless! You just need a little bit of help.
And I'm so glad you blogged about this! If more people WOULD speak up, I think there'd be a lot less (unfounded!) shame about the whole thing.
I'm sorry if somebody has made you feel embarrassed about PPD. It is NOT your fault and there is nothing to be ashamed of! I was prescribed the meds because I was really struggling for a while after E was born. I still have major anxiety issues and waiver back and forth about going on something for it. Hormones are powerful things, Amy, and there's nothing you can do to affect the level of postpartum hormones. Do what you have to do to be good to yourself and to Lena!
thanks you guys! those reassuring words help! & i hope there are more people out there who understand & support moms with PPD. there is enough pressure out there to be a good mom..... i read something on pintrest that sums this up..... there is no perfect way to be a mom, but a million ways to be a good mom. we gotta do what we gotta do!
oh & jenn - yes, hate, hate "oh you poor thing" .... bless your little heart/soul is a close second! & i'm from the south too, so i know it well!
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