ACT 2

marbo (marvo?) caves

2012-02-10T20:18:00.004+10:00

ok guam people you have to go here! it is amazing & so easy to get to! i can't believe we haven't been before now. well my friend cindy took lena & i to the caves this week & we had so much fun hanging out in the cave & swimming in the water. you drive down this road until it dead ends, hike a little down the road & find the cave entrance to your left. then it's just a short climb down into the cave & then you're standing on a man made concrete platform in front of the fresh water pools. i'm so glad cindy was there to help.... A. because she knew where it was & B. you can't really do this experience by yourself with a baby. it wasn't hard, but you can't climb down into the water while you're holding a baby & i'm not brave, um crazy, enough to jump in holding lena. no thanks.

the water feels amazing & there are really deep parts (deep enough to jump off parts of the cave into the water) & places that are shallow where you can sit on the rocks. cindy showed us a way to swim through the cave to get to the back pools. it was really cool, but in the moment i felt a little scared because you're basically swimming through this narrow path, cave rocks on either side of your head, & cindy's holding lena because i'm too afraid i'll dunk her, but we made it to the other side. & it is deep & dark over there. but the water is still crystal clear so you can see all the way to the bottom. so no fear of critters. i think. ;)

so we hung out a little while, met some japanese tourists & then headed home. it is a must do again for sure!

lena & i sitting on a rock in the water

say "cave"

the entrance to the cave (looking up from the pools)

little explorer

blurry, but check out the water! crystal clear!

some of the japanese tourists (aka. bunch of young guys wearing floaties & snorkel masks)

we HAD to get a picture with them

time ???

2012-02-06T21:54:00.007+10:00

yep, i'm a total slacker when it comes to this blog. sorry. i honestly have kinda been thinking about giving it up. & really only 2 of you read this, but it still is such a great way to keep a record of our lives. & as my sister says "you of all people should be blogging!" being so distant is pretty tough.

so an update. lena is a crazy, wonderful, strong-willed, independent, cuddly, curious, sweet, funny, sleeping in her crib all through the night, walking, almost running toddler. yep. i can't believe it. at almost 14 months now & she's getting her molars (so fun), she's waving, giving high fives, giving kisses, playing with the trash & the toilet (yuck), eating pretty well & dribbling jeff's soccer ball all through the house. we go on play dates, we go to the pool, we go to the library, all kinds of fun stuff. it's pretty great.

& yes, we had a major break through! she is sleeping all night in her crib! we finally found a system that worked (that didn't require major amounts of crying!) so she's been going strong now for 2 weeks! (hopefully i'm not jinxing it by talking about it)

other than that nothing else really... jeff's training & playing soccer a lot, i'm addicted to pintrest.... i've been cooking like a mad woman (so many yummy recipes) & being totally crafty (ha! in my mind.... haven't really gotten to as many as i'd like, but i've "pinned" a ton & feel really productive after seeing all the crafty things i'll get to do.... if i ever get off pintrest). um, what else... we're planning a trip to australia soon. & basically just being blown away at how fast things are going! i mean we have less than a year on guam!! & i'm really really liking guam again. loved it when we got here. hated it when i was pregnant & lena was first here & now all i think about are the things i'll miss when we're gone. the palm trees, the weather, the coconuts, the beach, the friends, jeff's co-workers.... i mean guam is lena's birthplace & it really is this special out of the way, way across the world, escape from the usual kinda place. i wonder if lena will ever get a chance to come back & visit when she's older? who knows. but looking forward to the next assignment.... will it be europe? will it be west coast? please don't let it be alaska. don't even say it.

ok. rant is over. here are a couple videos of the sweet girl....

listen to her high pitched silly laugh & then i apologize for the tilted view, jeff corrects the camera half way through, oh & yes lena steps on spilt cheerios on the floor. that's how she has her snack. yes i let my kid eat of the floor.... doesn't everyone? please don't tell anyone. really.

butterfly birthday bash

2011-12-11T10:33:00.005+10:00

lena had her 1st birthday (& 1st birthday party) this weekend! it was the best weekend & it's still not over..... there are plans to open some more presents later today & enjoy some more cake (& of course she's wearing her butterfly romper).... anyways.... friday was her birthday & we kept it low key with dinner & opening family presents. & then saturday was her party!! it was butterfly themed but we didn't get all crazy. no bouncy castles, pony rides, helicopter tours.... we have a few years for that right? hahaha.... but i think it was an awesome party, the kids had fun, the grown-ups had fun & we all celebrated little lena!! (still can't believe she's ONE!)

so we decorated with butterflies, we had a butterfly coloring station, bubbles & bubble machine, pizza, pasta salad, chips salsa & 2 kinds of guac (lena's favorite food is avocado, so ya know), gummy worms, teddy grahams, cheese & crackers, veggie tray, pink lemonade, juice boxes & beer & wine for the big kids. & the cake! my friend maryann makes AMAZING cakes & she made cupcakes & a smash cake for lena! it was beautiful!

lots of our friends came out.... lots of lena's friends came & the only people missing were family back in the states.... BUT they were there in spirit & on the slideshow we made that ran on our computer the whole party. it was full of photos from lena's 1st year. we had pics of lena with grammy, grandma & grandpa, grandpa & granny ann, aunt ash & cousins, great aunts, great cousins, friends from the states & pics of her aunt jenn & cousins mayer & grayson (who sadly have never met each other due to germany & guam being so not close to each other, but will someday soon!)

my favorite part of the party (one of several, but this has such sentimental meaning) was the time capsule.... we had a space where guests could write a little note to lena to open on her 18th birthday. we have some notes coming in via email & snail mail too from those not in attendance. but i think it'll be such a neat thing for her to see & open & have a look back in time. i peeked & read some & couldn't help by get teary. i can only imagine what an amazing young woman lena will grow into. so much love!

and the cake! well, it didn't go as smoothly as it probably will after we have a few more of these under our belts (we'll be pros by the time she's 8).... but really... maryann had her smash cake on a nice plate that A. i didn't want her to knock off & break on the floor & B. just wouldn't even fit on her high chair tray. so jeff & i decided to grab spatulas & carefully move it to her tray. well, as we were doing this i realized we hadn't sung to her & there was no lit candle, so i quickly started us all in singing of "happy birthday" & then prayed that my little one didn't reach for the lit candle that i then put on the cake on her tray well within her reach (good mom i know). needless to say i said "make a wish" very quickly & jeff & i blew out the candle. whew. rough start (but no fires or broken dishes). so then the girl had cake. she didn't get all crazy with it, but she had some bites & then just wanted down. i think it was a lot for her, everyone staring at her, the other kids surrounding her cake like starving little vultures (it was cute, but yeah you'd think these kids were cake addicts needing their fix). so we'll try round 2 later tonight & see if she makes the mess we're all craving to see!

so that's about that. we are tired today, happy it was a great party, but feeling bittersweet..... love seeing our little girl grow, but sad to see our baby fade away..... but we always have the memories (& the pictures!)

the dinning room

outside butterfly color station & bubble place

the spread & max under the table

color station

bubbles & my baby

yay!!

lena's face says it all....

"the candle!!! & everybody sing!!!"

the vultures circling the cake (notice the cute headband antennas i made for the kids?)

the fam

part of the table scape.... i used flower pots to hold the silverware

the beautiful cupcakes

her time capsule (with a fluffy butterfly pen of course) & the notecards are made from card stock from our wedding (that i also used to make her mobile - click here to see it)

some of the beautiful butterfly artwork (i used teeny terra cotta pots to hold the crayons & markers too)

florida, flights, guam.... all is good

2011-11-28T20:38:00.006+10:00

ok ok, i've put this off for too long..... i honestly just haven't felt like blogging. but everything has been great. jeff made it back from his deployment, we spent 2 awesome weeks with his parents in florida.... hanging out, visiting the ballet & old friends, going to the park, the beach, shopping & getting in as much target & chick-fil-a before going back to the land of have-nots.

the flights back to guam went much better than i anticipated. lena was a doll..... people kept making comments about how quiet she was, how good she was, how sweet she was & each time someone came & gave us a nice compliment i felt like we were being jinxed & the next flight for sure was gonna be a major melt down. but nope, didn't happen until we got into my friends truck from the airport back to our house in guam. baby girl successfully completed another ridiculous 24+ hours of world traveling. she is the champ. (of course now i've jinxed myself for our trip when we move back, yikes! oh & she'll be almost 2 then as well, boy are we due for it!)

so now that we've been back in guam, we've unpacked (i hesitate to post a pic of the boxes i shipped back.....), been to the beach, jeff's been playing soccer & volleyball (lena & i've been his cheerleaders at a couple of games), we celebrated our 1st thanksgiving as a family..... it's been great. i do miss target of course, oh & my family, heehee.... but guam is more beautiful than i remember & i'm enjoying it more than i thought i would. i guess i feel that it'll go by really fast. i mean lena is almost a year old, can you believe it, a year old?!?!?! so i am appreciating us being here. it really is a special place. even without target. now i leave you with some pictures of our time in florida.........

at the pumpkin patch

the park

harborwalk

lena at halloween as a flower fairy

trick-or-treat

toes in the sand

with grandma & grandpa

on the plane (of course she has her own travel pillow, she is a world traveler after all)

and yes, the boxes..... sad but true....

in my defense, i came over with 2 suitcases & jeff came over to the states with his stuff. well, he left those things with me when he went to iraq, so lena & i had to cram everything from 2 suitcases into 1. that & retail therapy. what can i say?

he's home!

2011-11-11T21:17:00.004+10:00

jeff returned from his deployment a few weeks ago..... it is amazing to have him back! & today is veteran's day! so thankful for those who serve!

lena's faux 1st b-day: a seasonal stateside celebration

2011-10-18T11:34:00.007+10:00

so we had a party for my dear miss this weekend. she doesn't actually turn one until december, but we wanted to celebrate with family while we're over here in the states. & of course celebrate my favorite season. so we had a fall b-day & we'll do a summer one once we're in guam. how appropriate that she'll have a summer b-day party in december. OOG! (only on guam)

momma & the birthday girl

but yes, we had lovely fall decorations (pumpkins & gourds we bought at the farmers market) & leaves from outside.... NOGAA (not on guam at all) & we served a big pot of chili, apple cider & lena's "cake" was a pumpkin muffin we got from a vendor at the market too! so fall-ish! & we had some of lena's favorite foods.... broccoli & guacamole. of course.

the cousins came & cohen mowed grammy's yard all evening & then after mowing he took off his pants & undies & went streaking. (no pics... too dark, but really so funny)

i bought her a birthday headband to wear (& you might be seeing it in the guam festivities too) it is just so dang cute.... it lasted about one minute.

clearly i'm enjoying this much more than she is....

lena did not like her pumpkin spice muffin so mom felt bad & caved & gave the girl a taste of the good stuff.... ice cream! i think it goes without saying how she liked that.

"where's my cake??!!!"

presents!

baby's 1st money.... cha-ching!

& shared her new toys with her cousin until he decided he wanted the ball. girlfriend may be petite, but she's scrappy & ended up with the ball!

it was a great party, minus having daddy there. but he will be there for the actual day! not much longer now at all!! yay!!!

miss representation

2011-10-14T11:19:00.007+10:00

go to this site, see the film, spread the word, inform yourself, teach others, stand up for women's rights. i've always had issues with the portrayal of women in the media. so glad to see a mass movement emerging that can hopefully shift the oppressive & damaging societal norms that exist in our culture.

http://missrepresentation.org/

i heart

2011-10-11T07:41:00.002+10:00

my heart is with these mountains..... i love the blue ridge! there is something just so special about this area. maybe it's different when you're from here, i dunno. but i really miss it when i'm gone. look at how beautiful!!

today is ah-mazing!

2011-10-08T04:07:00.005+10:00

free at last, free at last, yeah yeah..... but really, i am so free of those crutches & the knee machine. the dreaded knee machine! 7 weeks - done! i am walking & it feels good. today is the official day of freedom, but honestly i cheated & started walking a little on wednesday.... shh...

but yes i logged a whopping 131 hours & 42 minutes on the knee machine. imagine if i had done the prescribed 6-8 hours a day how many more hours that would be??? i think on the best (worst) of days i probably logged about 4-5 hours. but no more i tell ya!!

even though i was tied to this thing for 7 weeks, it really did help! ;)

it feels great & it's a beautiful fall day here! the weekend is supposed to be awesome & i can get out & enjoy it! only thing missing now is my husband..... but the time will come. counting down now..... not much longer!! but then we go back to guam.... which i have mixed feelings about. i strangely miss guam. but i do not want to go back for the holidays.... i want to stay here, watch the leaves change, feel the brisk air, see my breath in the cold, celebrate the holidays for realsies with the correct season. not hot jungle. just doesn't go. but we have one last thanksgiving & christmas & then we're off to somewhere that hopefully has seasons (4 of them)

where lena can bundle up like this.....

such a cute snuggle bunny!!

whatcha got against babies?

2011-09-29T07:33:00.004+10:00

so this sunday we all went to brunch. we had a groupon coupon to a restaurant we've never been to downtown on the market (name withheld, but if you really wanna know i'll tell ya) anyway, so we get there & it's a pretty nice place & i'm of course on crutches, hobbling in, already self-conscious & say "we've got 3 & a high chair". so the waiter asks if we have reservations & i say no & he says hold on. so we're waiting & i look around & notice no babies, no kids. more self-conscious. but this is where it gets crazy, he takes us to the back room.... the back room! we're the only ones in there & it's nice, don't get me wrong, but we clearly we're put away from everyone else. yes there were more tables in the main dinning area, plus patio seats open. but our waiter was nice & lena of course was a doll, sat there quietly, ate nicely (we only got one drip on the tablecloth)..... but ya know, some places are like that. so we experienced our first anti-kid discrimination act. & honestly it was no big deal after it's all said & done, we still had a nice brunch, had the room to ourselves & got to go out the back door like celebrities, or maybe that it was closer to the car for me on the crutches.....

but who could hate on a face like this?

maybe if they know she eats like this.....

good thing we didn't have spaghetti.....

lena says "hey dad"

2011-09-20T10:11:00.003+10:00

so how cute is this? i am so lucky i caught her first words on video (never mind it's sideways) anyway she's been hamming it up in front of the mirror the past few nights & i wanted to get it on video & lucked out when she says "hey dad"!!!

things not to forget

2011-09-15T04:29:00.004+10:00

lena is 9 months old..... where does the time go???

here are a list of the wonders of lena.....

i love how you hold my hand while you're nursing

you've started pulling up (& letting go!) & you're taking steps

you are a great crawler

you're getting another tooth ... bottom left side, beside the two middles - this makes 6!!

we say "bird" & you look out the window to the bird feeder

you are curious, very very curious..... you have to see, touch, taste everything!

you shake your head no when you don't want anymore food

you wave (at appropriate times & also just on your own when you feel like it)

you bring your hands together & haven't made the clap sound but you're working on it

you are still so interested in the dog & cat & sometimes you & the dog have screeching/ howling matches

you giggle..... a lot

you stop what you're doing, listen & smile when you talk to daddy on the phone

you hold your sippy with both hands & tilt it back like a frat boy at a kegger .... you love some water!

favorite foods - bread, pasta, cheese, broccoli, peaches, avocado, & mango

you don't like - pineapple or strawberries too much (weirdo)

love you beaner!!

remembrance

2011-09-12T04:34:00.003+10:00

sending prayers today as we remember.......

in need of some photos

2011-09-11T10:38:00.003+10:00

my past several posts have been nothing but words.... boring! how bout some cuteness..... check out this little lady's latest stunt (she's starting to "cruise" now too!

dr jekyll & mrs hyde

2011-09-11T04:42:00.006+10:00

ok, for those of you who know me well this post will not come as a surprise. for those who only read my blog & see my writings of positivity & my desires to be a calm, quiet mom this is a different side. i have postpartum depression. i have always battled depression. and i need to face it and admit it because as much as i want (desperately want) it to go away on it's own, it won't. i am embarrassed by my past & present struggles with this. but it is what it is & i can't hide from it. i am getting treatment now. but i (& my family) have been dealing with PPD for several months. and even though i'm in treatment now (therapy & anti-depressants), i am not well.

lena & i have a close connection (thank goodness) but i worry about how my negativity & my anxiety & my irritability is affecting her. i also worry about the medication and nursing her. the doc has reassured me that the amount that passes through to her is so small they can't measure it..... but it's still medication & i worry about long term affects. but the benefit outweighs the risk at this point. & that is why i waited so long before taking medication. i was concerned for her. but i failed to see that living with someone who is depressed will impact her in a negative way as well. my relationship with lena is wonderful. i interact with her in positive ways, have always attended to her needs, love & care for her as i would if i was not depressed. but it comes out with the people i live with. & lena is a witness to that. so it is hurting her. and since the knee surgery & living with crutches my outlook has not been so bright. but i keep hoping it will get better & i keep telling myself "do something, change this, stop being this way" & honestly i can't.... i really feel like i can't. that is why i'm writing this. i need to find me in all this. right now all i see & feel is the depression. but i hope that i am stronger than what i'm going through. and i hope lena is ok. i hope she is more than ok. & i hope that if anyone reads this & knows someone who struggles with PPD that they get help for it. i hate that i'm on medication. part of me still believes this is all in my head & i should just snap out of it. but i've tried that. all my life. & it keeps coming back & i have to seek treatment. & i'm trying not to feel like i failed, but that because i'm in treatment i'm succeeding. it's a long road, but at least i'm back on the right path.

aw, sorry blog

2011-09-08T10:46:00.002+10:00

how could i have missed my blogiversary? i can't believe i've had a blog for 2 years now. well, 2 years & 4 days..... wink.

a comedy, of sorts

2011-09-06T01:05:00.006+10:00

yesterday: we packed up all the stuff we had over at the recovery house...... jumperoos, crib, baby food, bottles, clothes, diapers, toys, books.... you get the idea.... plus the knee stuff - the machine, the other machine (one is a huge leg moving machine that takes up the entire coffee table & the other a cooler/ compressor combo with tubes that beep & are constantly kinked up) ..... & i say 'we' moved stuff, but all i could do is sit there & entertain lena as i watched my family move all our stuff back to my moms. which was kinda funny at times, but it gets better.....

last night (the funny part): so we finally, around 8pm, got things organized enough to put baby down. & we had the humidifier, vicks for her feet, elevated crib mattress... the whole deal in hopes it'll help her cold..... & miss thing slept from 8 until 4am! unheard of! now picture this, i wake up, look at my watch & immediately start thinking scary mom thoughts... slide myself to the end of the bed (crutches at the other end AND other side) & i peer into her crib to see if she's breathing. can't tell. so i hop out on my one working leg, hop over to her crib, wobbly & sleepy & the whole balance thing not happening (you try & balance on one leg at 4am)..... get to her crib & put my hand on her back & she's alive. whew. but now..... she's awake. & ready to play. damn. & so it goes.

today: my child is a genius! no really. she is. this morning she was in her jumperoo that doesn't jump (i don't know what those are called - play station?) anyway, i was on the couch with my leg in the coffee table leg machine watching her play. the dog came in the room & laid down behind her. so i said to little one.... "look behind you, the doggie is back there" & she did! she looked behind her (she didn't turn far enough to see the dog, but there was no question - she turned around). so she turned back to me & i said it again & guess what - she did it again & then a 3rd time!! (& she eventually turned far enough to see the dog) genius i tell you!!

an exhausted feeling of accomplishment

2011-09-04T01:04:00.008+10:00

scene: nightfall, guest bedroom recovery house

characters: baby ballerina, mommy ballerina with guest artist & help du jour - grandpa

the bad guys: an injured knee & crutches, a too hot & too small bed in a house that isn't ours, an irritating cold with runny noses & coughs, an impatient mommy with a short temper & need for sleep

scene 1:

baby ballerina is down for the night in her crib. she awakens. she is carried by grandpa into the bedroom of mommy ballerina, where she joins mommy & nurses for a bit & falls asleep. mommy falls asleep a long 45 minutes later.

scene 2:

baby ballerina is restless.... tossing & turning & waking mommy ballerina. this continues for 45 minutes. baby ballerina decides to do her exercises..... lunge, kick, turn, toss, crawl, kick, squirm, push, bounce, kick (emphasis on kicking). this continues for 45 minutes. mommy ballerina is awake & tired but calmly & quietly wrangling the excited, energized baby. then baby ballerina's mood turns sour as she cries, wails, & screams. this continues for 45 minutes. all the while grandpa is waiting outside the room, concerned for the ballerinas.

scene 3:

mommy ballerina quietly holds baby ballerina as she nears the end of her crying spell. they cuddle, nurse & baby ballerina starts to drift off. but she awakens again & cries & coughs & coughs & cries. they snuggle & nurse again. finally baby ballerina is asleep. mommy ballerina tries to drift off, all the while feeling relieved & proud as she did not raise her voice, get frustrated or upset during the middle of the night scenes.

synopsis...... so i'm writing about this because i feel like i was the mom i wanted to be last night. the previous night the same scenario happened but my reaction was way different. lena has been sick & not sleeping well & i've been sick & tired & am frustrated with these crutches. the night before was a chaotic mix of lena crying or playing around, me irritatingly snapping at her about why she won't sleep, grandpa running lena back to her crib, back to my bed, back to the crib, back to the bed & none of us had a good night. so even though i am tired & i really want her to sleep more tonight, i feel a sense of accomplishment that i quietly, calmly dealt with her erratic lack of sleep problem. i was quiet the whole time, minus a few times at the end when i comforted her as she was crying. i just kinda let her do her thing.... was there to protect her from rolling off the bed, but did not give into her crying, did not try to make her do anything, i just sat there & let her experience what she was going to go through. i am not really up for letting her cry it out at night, which many people suggest i do. i just don't feel right about it. & we haven't totally ditched the sleeping in the big bed. before the surgery we were close to all night in her crib, but now that i can't easily carry her to her crib after night nursing, i kinda just let her stay in bed with me. i like the closeness with her, but man, this girl is big... & pushy & takes up the whole bed. so i think once i can walk again we'll get back to the all night crib thing. i'll let ya know how that goes..... here's a good article about crying it out..... i think a lot of this applies for long periods of crying, but still i just can't handle her crying for too long.....

well, it's september

2011-09-02T04:32:00.003+10:00

& this means 2 things...... i have a whole new month to try something new (aka keep working on last months epic fail - click for the link) & that the worst is almost over. i am a week & a half into knee surgery recovery & it's going well ?!?! ...... my knee feels great, but it really is a struggle for me & all those trying to help me & lena. but we're getting through it & the time on crutches is only (hopefully) 2 & a half weeks left at this point. & the other worst almost over part of all this is that jeff will be coming back from deployment soon. it's not soon enough but it's close enough to really think about it & start to get excited! so i have to keep working on my positivity (even though i'm hobbling around on one leg, lena & i are both sick with colds) - just had to vent - but there are good things going on & we'll get through this & it's all temporary. so i just have to keep reminding myself to keep it in perspective.

great minds think alike

2011-08-27T06:08:00.004+10:00

this is so funny i have to share! my friend & fellow guam blogger (click here for link) just posted about her plans for her little one's birthday & i wanted to jump on the bandwagon..... i'm also just super excited about planning it & plus i've totally fallen down the pintrest hole.... spending WAY too long on there. but there are so many great ideas i just can't wait to get to..... but have to mend this knee, get off the crutches & get back to guam for a bunch of them. but that doesn't mean the wheels aren't turning now. especially since i've seen my friends blog (& i honestly hope she doesn't think of me as one of those friends who is a copy cat - i think her party is totally gonna be way cooler than the one i plan, she's much more organized & more of an entertainer & party thrower than i am.... i just think it's cool we have the same kinda idea & that we both live somewhere where we can actually do this idea)

ok, so the idea is to have a beach themed birthday party in guam for lena! she's a december baby & i doubt there will be any other year it will make sense to have a beach themed birthday party for her. i was debating about actually having it at the beach, but not sure how i would keep the cake from melting all over the place, plus bugs & food are not always the best combo. so we might just have the party at our house & still have the beach theme. this is where my friend is inspiring me.... she has all kinds of cool ideas picked out (from pintrest!) for decorations, invitations & favors. & the farthest i've gotten is the actual location. so now i'm inspired to think about the details (& i promise not to steal any of her ideas!) pintrest here i come! :)

third times a charm

2011-08-24T00:26:00.006+10:00

well, i had my knee surgery monday & i think it went really well. i had previously had 2 surgeries on the left knee & those went ok.... if you don't count the sickness from anesthesia or the fact that it usually takes 3 nurses & 2 collapsed veins before anyone can get the IV in me (darn rolling veins). but this time was great, the nurse got the IV in the first time, no painful poking & prodding like before & i woke up from the anesthesia not feeling groggy & there was no puking! yay! lena did great, she went with me & grammy to the hospital & she napped, snacked & was a really good girl the whole time we were there! & now we're staying at my mom's friend's house while they're away on vacay for 2 weeks. & this is a lifesaver because it's all one floor (no stairs!) & lena has a separate room.... which means we're not waking each other up in the middle of the night like we do when we share a room! so now it's just on to recovery - crutches, no driving & percocets for a little while. & then soon daddy will be coming home & we'll be heading back to guam! and fingers crossed the years of ballet abuse have been fixed & i will not be needing anymore knee surgeries!

here's a pic of my leg in my knee machine.... it is a range of motion machine that i'm suppose to use 6-8 hours a day! who has time for that? i think i've managed to get in 4.5 hrs, not bad with a little one around!

could always be worse

2011-08-08T09:59:00.004+10:00

ok, so found out about my knee..... will be needing surgery. the good news, i've been through this before (on my left knee).... the bad news, well i have to have surgery again. oh & i didn't have a baby last time. going through 6-8 weeks on crutches is no fun, but i can only imagine how much more difficult it will be trying to care for lena. but the bright side of this is i can still hug her (not having surgery on my arms) & it's only temporary..... it feels like forever when you're in it. but it's really not that long in the grand scheme of things. oh & the 30 days positive thing. i think i lost 2 days in there when i found out about this. oh well. keep trying. today was much better. one thing that is helping me is to think about each moment as i'm in it...... like right now i'm venting, documenting my feelings & what's going on in my world while sitting on my mom's screened in porch while my baby sleeps & i just finished a nice glass of wine..... that is definitely good.

epic fail.... kinda

2011-08-03T04:38:00.002+10:00

well, i should have known i was setting myself up. but i really was optimistic about being positive/ not speaking negatively for the next 30 days. well, the first day was ok..... i caught myself saying "come on grandpa!" (inside my closed car) to the poor man as he SLOWLY, very SLOWLY pulled out in front of me as we were both leaving the parking lot of the post office. but i caught it & dropped it as i patiently inched behind him for what felt like 20 minutes. but this morning i spewed out some negative venom in the direction of my mom when i woke up from too little sleep, a headache, my mind full of the things i needed to do all day & how every little thing was getting in my way..... making it (life) that much more difficult.

negativity 1/ amy 0....

but maybe by the end of this month i'll be so keyed into what i let/ or don't let flow out of my mouth that maybe by september i will be speaking more positively. maybe this month isn't about just switching it on or off like a light switch ("ok now i'm suzy sunshine") but maybe it'll help me be aware of how to control it better. for my sake, the people i'm around & most importantly lena. i don't want her to grow up to be a negative person....

so new realistic goal for a momentarily single mom whose husband is at war, who does not get enough sleep, who is most likely battling post-partum depression, who is living with her mom (under a small, getting smaller by the day house) who puts unrealistic expectations on herself..... who now has a new goal of simply being aware & honestly wanting to speak more positively or at least cut back on the negative trash talk so that her daughter doesn't inherit a debbie downer persona..... so there. deep breath, readjust & get on with it.

30 day challenge

2011-08-02T00:12:00.005+10:00

new diet/ workout craze? financial makeover? nope, but i could (& honestly should, do both of those)..... but this 30 day challenge is just about finding something new (or in my case a goal to stick to) to do for the next 30 days. the video from TED speaker Matt Cutts (click his name for the link) inspired me to do this for the month of august. so my "new thing"..... well, it's kinda easy & something i do throughout the day anyway, but not as much as i'd like & not always with full attention & intention..... i will do something nice each day, ALONG with only saying positive things. that one will be hard. i complain more than i should (that's putting it nicely). & i don't always show my gratitude & appreciation. & i let the little things (like rude cashiers, bad drivers, etc) get to me .... to the point where i'm trashing the air with my own negative comments. so this month i will try to only say positive things. i will probably slip up & i know my thoughts won't all be sunshine & puppies, but my intention will be there. so that's my 30 day challenge. & i'll update how it's going on here. are you up for one too? what would you do for 30 days?

a day in pictures

2011-07-31T11:45:00.001+10:00

so today i decided to take pictures of everything (well, almost everything) we do. mostly for daddy, so he can feel closer to us & what we're up to while he's gone. but also because i thought today would be pretty interesting..... we had planned on going to an outdoor concert/ food festival kinda thing at a winery about 45 minutes away & then a major rain storm this afternoon made us change our plans. but before that i thought it would be kinda neat because i knew we were gonna go eat indian food for lunch & we hadn't been out to eat in a while (except for some take out from panera once) & then i thought the concert thing would have been interesting... so that's why i chose today. i think i want to do an abbreviated version on a normal day too, maybe a working day, so jeff (& anyone else, bueller, bueller?) can see that version of a day too....

but without further adieu, i present to you.... "a day of photos"

ps. you can click on them to make them bigger....

after waking... a little snuggle time

dressing my little sunflower

breakfast

& prunes it is....

trying to pick up a piece of cherry

grammy's morning goods from the garden

watching daddy read to us

daddy on tv

my silly girl

sleeping beauty

upon waking

at lunch.... indian buffet, yum-o!

& then the rain....

time for gymnastics & laundry

a change of clothes

looking out the window at the rain

lots of rain

caleb wants to drive

can't fit anymore babies back there

my sis & her diet coke...

the hungry kiddos

coloring the plant

potty break

time for night-night

mommy time

not again....

2011-07-26T09:57:00.003+10:00

within the next week & a half i will know whether or not i will need surgery on my knee, my OTHER knee. yes, i've had knee surgery before..... twice.... on my poor left knee, twice. and now, AND NOW, i might be in need of another surgery on my poor right knee. you know, i won't get all into the details & i won't go all pity-party (trust me i have dipped into the pity pool a few times since last week when i injured it, but not now, not here).... i saw the doc today & felt discouraged leaving the hospital, but after i got home all i could think about was the fact that my daughter is healthy & my husband is alive. & that made me smile. i was talking with a friend on the phone & heard about some of the struggles she has had conceiving. & i think about the wounded soldiers who come home with out the use of their limbs or the ones who don't make it home. perspective. yes i'm upset, but i also feel grateful. & humbled. & i try to keep the big picture of this all.... this life, this world, in perspective.

guam versus the states

2011-07-17T05:24:00.006+10:00

so this post is a long time coming. what that really means i don't know, just wanted to say it, hope i'm using that slang in the right context...... but ANYWAY, since being back in the states for a little while i'm really noticing the differences between guam and here. i think it's kinda funny...... so a little comparison is in order...

on the phone :

in guam someone calls & gets the wrong number the conversation on the other side usually sounds a little like this.... "hello, is fabien there?" "oh, no fabien?" "really, i thought i was calling fabien" "well, do you sell cows?" "are you sure?" ...... really you have to ask if i'm sure, like i'm hiding some secret cow farm from you..... really??

in the us it's more like "oh i'm sorry" & then they hang up when you tell them they have the wrong number.... no 5 minute conversation about how i might or might not sell cows.....

on the street:

in guam the fastest you can go is around 35 miles, with people not using the passing lane for passing or the turning lane for turning

in the us you get honked at & given the finger if you don't turn from the turning lane or if you're sitting in the passing lane blocking up traffic..... oh & there are interstates over here...... for those with a need for speed :)

in the grocery store:

in guam everything is shipped frozen & it takes forever, so some stuff like my favorite ice cream cones get melty & then are refrozen, so when you go to take a bite out of your ice cream cone, you get a soggy, mushy cone (it's the little things)

in the us i get a crunchy cone every time..... loving it! oh & the fact that the produce is fresh & plentiful

in the public:

in guam people are super friendly & nice & most military are respectful & kind as well, kind of an extended family type of feeling

here in the us people won't open doors, won't say thank you when you do, & true story - won't even smile back when you offer a friendly smile to the customer in line in front of you at target...... rude lady that actually glared at me, i'm pointing at you!

so i'm sure i'll revisit this theme, because there are some things i really like about guam - the people, the beach, soccer, the culture & then other things like my ice cream cones & the fact that i'm a $1500 flight away from family (& target) really make guam a hard place to be sometimes..... but no matter what i'm happy for the experience & it does make me appreciate both sides of things..... :)

things not to forget

2011-07-13T10:40:00.006+10:00

so i kinda have stopped doing the whole update every month/ doc visit thing with lena. but i don't want to forget anything, especially these moments i find myself cherishing so much. they pass so quickly.... (you just turned 7 months old last week!)

so dear sweet lena, (my future self & my few readers) here are some wonderful things that i hope to always hold on to in my heart.......

your angelic sweet sleeping face

the way you rock back & forth trying to get the crawling thing down

you sit all on your own, but still working on getting there by your self

your crossed feet & ankles when you are on your knees, you sit just like daddy does

the way you raise your eyebrows while you're nursing

when you reach out for me for me to hold you

the nuzzles you give me while i hold you

those big, curious, intense blue eyes

your high chair hand banging & feet kicking when you're delighted about eating or the in between bites boredom

your soft soft light hair fuzz that reminds me of a newly hatched little chick

when you go to the "daddy cube" in your crib before every nap, as if to have some snuggle time with just him

the way you love feeding yourself puffs, so much that i had to start giving you a few at a time, because my dear, you would go after all the puffs on the tray & put them all in your mouth, making sure there were none on the tray before you started "chewing" & swallowing them

your sentences & sounds..... lots of "niyy", "eeerr", "aaayy", "tthhhhsssss" & you say them all with such conviction

the way you giggle when i hold you over my head, spin you around & give you kisses & raspberries on your neck

your intense fascination with the trees, plants, shrubs, anything green..... grammy says you'll be an arborist....

your smiles

your sweet smell

your baby breath - you have such sweet breath, even in the mornings, hahaha!

the way you (mostly) calm down & stop crying when you're in my arms

i love you so much my dear, you are growing so fast, i wish daddy was here to share all of these moments with us...... but there will be more.

lena waking from her nap, next to daddy with her legs sticking out the slats

daddy's book

2011-07-11T12:06:00.004+10:00

here's a (touching) video of lena reading her "daddy's book"..... it's one of those books that you can record your voice reading & daddy recorded it before he left. we just got around to reading it for the first time last week, because, well honestly i couldn't open it & hear his voice reading these sweet words without breaking down. but i got over it, got my mom to record lena & my reactions & am posting it now. it really is a sweet thing to do for your child if you'll be apart for a while.

and in other book reading from afar news.... we got a dvd & a book from daddy in the desert. the uso over there has this great program where the daddys (or mommys) can video tape themselves reading a book & then the uso will make a dvd & send it, along with the book to your kids. so cool! & we watched that today! & again i cried. but lena loves seeing & hearing daddy! we miss you so much! each day is closer to seeing you!

flitting fairies

2011-07-02T10:45:00.008+10:00

last weekend we had the great honor of participating in our friend lisa's wedding! she is a wonderful friend from the dance world who i've made some fond memories with over the years! she & rob had a midsummer's night themed wedding & lena & i were among the many beautiful fairy attendants present! we all flitted through the forest in her back yard, with bike riding & trampoline-ing, story telling, and dancing, lots of dancing! i wish i had taken more photos, but i was holding a baby fairy most of the time, but this will give you an idea.... it was a wonderful celebration & reflection of two incredible people deeply in love! a special night!

the beautiful bride

flitting through the forest

my fairy

(photos above by eric brady)

little flower fairy

with our friend beth

the couple riding off into the sunset ;)

my friend shaleigh

vanessa... a bit blurry, but still beautiful

shals heading down to the strobe light bike disco

hey cuz

2011-06-21T11:31:00.008+10:00

here are some cute photos of caleb & lena.... & cohen was taking pics right along side ashely & i.... fun afternoon!

lena wants to hold hands, caleb's not so sure...

um, ok sure

caleb, don't let go

oops!

mixing up the head accessories....

cohen participating in the photo shoot

love my sis & her kids!!

a way with relevè

2011-06-12T07:38:00.005+10:00

so i'm not sure why i'm at a loss for words about dancing again.... this whole blog is based on the fact that i had to quit my job, move half way across the world & then wasn't able to dance very much. which was/ is a huge transition from the fact that in the almost 30 years prior i was always dancing. and then coupled with the fact that i had a baby & how many changes that brings about.... different body, different mentality, different emotions, desires, priorities..... & now i'm back stateside & have been taking class at least 2 times a week since jeff left (the past 2 weeks) & all i can say is "i'm sore & it's wonderful"???

maybe i'm still processing it all..... in a greater sense that relates to this, i feel like i've lost some of myself. & i think this trip is crucial for bringing ME back. let me explain. i feel like i have fewer interests, i feel more weighed down, i feel less whimsical, less creative, less inspired, i feel less. i think being in guam, not working & not dancing have changed me in such a way. don't know if overall it's good or bad. not sure i can put it in such black & white terms..... i'm just different. but i don't think i'm all the way ok with where i am/ who i am now. i miss being in school, being challenged..... being a stay at home mom is amazing, but i don't think i've found a way to incorporate the things i'm missing that i get from a working environment or educational environment..... i miss the mountains.... & the trees & the flowers & everything that can be found here in the blue ridge.... it's where i'm from & it's part of who i am & i think i'm coming around to acknowledging that i want to be here & stay connected to what this area does for me. i miss dancing of course. i miss the sweat, the pain, the push to get through the last part of the adagio or battement combination that the teacher told us to repeat again. i miss the feel of my foot on the floor doing a tendu & the way my toes feel strong & solid & supple as i close from a degage. i miss the studio floor, i miss the lights, the mirrors, the music..... all of which are different everywhere you go, but somehow still always familiar. i miss opening my arms & feeling me glide through the space during waltz turns. i miss holding the finish after lots of turns & waiting for the room to catch up. i miss it all. & i know that age, location, excuse number one, two or three will change my capacity & ability to dance, but i will continue to fight it, find new ways, take opportunities when i can, to get myself into the studio to stand at the barre & feel what i love.

a fouette a day

2011-06-12T07:29:00.006+10:00

so i'm taking ballet classes again.... & it feels great! i feel sore & it's wonderful.

my little flower

2011-06-06T23:49:00.004+10:00

sorry those of you who are my friends on facebook too, you'll be getting a double dose of these shots...... but she's so cute it's ok..... :) but for those of you not on facebook, here is a little impromptu flower photo shoot we did yesterday morning. (please excuse the quality, all photos taken with the laptop photo booth)

a girl & her hydrangeas

"oooh, flowers!"

"forget pictures, i want flowers"

ready for the attack

success!!

may delay

2011-05-30T10:04:00.006+10:00

so i didn't want the rest of may to feel neglected..... lena has started sitting by herself so i wanted to post a quick little video.... she had been sitting for a while before i started recording (for the record) & now, a few days later she's even better at it. go core strength! she's almost ready for pilates! haha!

also, lena has now been to 2 festivals.... love this area for that. the 1st one was local colors when daddy was here. it's a festival that celebrates different countries & cultures. we went & strolled around & hit up the food... & guess what food we ended up getting? lebanese, mexican, cuban? um.... asian.... meat on a stick & some rice.... sooo guam!! (we miss ya! haha!) so her 2nd festival was one of the bigger ones around here.... festival in the park! we went today & it's not as much fun without daddy, but grammy makes for a pretty fun date too! we had some corn dogs, lemonade, ribbon fries... but i am sad to report didn't get a funnel cake.... so regretting that decision now. but lena stayed awake longer at this one, we saw some juggling & hula hooping & unicycling - all in one act! & some arts & crafts..... local music & dance. it was a nice day & i'm thankful that the roanoke area has lots to offer. excited about floyd fest in august! woohoo blue ridge!

and behold, lena's latest feat!

may hay-day

2011-05-28T05:08:00.015+10:00

wow, may was great. it went by in a flash, but it was such a great month. still a few days left, but those don't count. :)

well i talked about mother's day & jeff coming into roanoke to be with us before he deploys. we had such a great time. we explored roanoke, enjoyed the mountains (& food & shopping) & then went to visit jeff's parents in chattanooga. & lena had her first road trip! she did great, slept the whole way basically! jeff's parents got to meet lena for the first time & we all had a great time seeing each other & checking out the city. we went on incline railway... claims to be the world's steepest railway incline.... but yeah, chattanooga was fun. & it was really nice to have that time together with his parents while we could.

at mill mountain star

with the grandparents in chattanooga

in front of the river

looks steep huh?

from tennessee, we left & drove to visit our friends toby & lindsey & their son jackson in north carolina. again lena was a travel champ..... slept the whole time while mommy complained about the lack of space in our sweet little chevy aveo..... wow, 2 adults, one carseat, stroller & luggage make for some seriously cramped quarters. but we survived the 2nd leg of our road trip & had a great few days seeing our friends. we met their son jackson (1 & 1/2) for the first time & he is such a sweet boy! jeff & toby played soccer together in high school & he was jeff's best man at our wedding. toby & lindsey are great friends & we were lucky to plan a last minute visit with them.

the best pic we could get.... the kids weren't having it

future soccer star

and then it was back to roanoke to enjoy the last of jeff's leave before he deployed. we fed lena rice cereal & she did really well eating & had planned on only feeding that to her until she turns 6 months, but decided to incorporate some veggies because A. jeff will get to see her eat & B. she got a bit clogged up..... the girl didn't poop for 3 days! poor thing. so we gave her sweet potatoes & she loved them! & then she pooped the biggest poop jeff & i have ever seen! my mom & bill through a family get together to say farewell to jeff & we got to meet our cousin april's baby emery! she's almost 11 months & such a little doll!

the family & our babies - see a pic of us all pregnant here.... (except zach, that would be weird)

"lemme do it mom!"

and then jeff had to leave. that was the hardest day. saying good bye was the hardest thing i've had to do. it just felt so different than the other times we've been apart. mostly because of lena, & also because he's going to war.... basically. a tearful morning, i tried to stay strong for lena (& myself & jeff), but i couldn't stop crying. we got a gate pass so we could wait with him until he boarded the plane. it felt surreal to say goodbye, people were around, lena was getting tired, it was just weird. but we had several hugs & kisses before i had to take lena in my arms & walk away from the gate, tears streaming down my face. i kept turning around to see him just one more time as i walked through the terminal & he watched, waved & blew kisses to us the whole time. when i got back outside of the security check point my mom was there waiting & there was a lady who had been sitting there earlier before jeff, lena & i left for the gate & i looked at her through my tears & she was crying for us. i wish i had smiled or said something, but at the time i couldn't see jeff anymore & i just felt like i had to flee, i had to get out of there or i was gonna break down. but i appreciate her compassion & empathy.

and now he's gone. & it's just lena & i ..... & mom & bill. & we're trying to make the most of things, getting back on a regular diet (no more restaurant outings), getting lena on a better nap schedule, introducing more veggies - the latest were peas & i can say i don't think she's a fan.

but i did go to ballet class for the first time in about a year. & it felt really good. so i have that to look forward to. i'll write more on dancing again in another post. there will be more of that. but i want to end this post saying that i had a great time with my husband, baby, & extended families & am thankful we're in the states right now & that i have an even stronger appreciation for military families.....

before the drive to the airport

my 1st mommy's day

2011-05-11T04:46:00.005+10:00

sunday was my first mother's day! & it was wonderful! saturday jeff had flown into roanoke so we were already in celebratory mode..... so i woke up sunday morning to my husband & baby & everything just felt right. we celebrated with my mom & bill by going for brunch. & then we grilled out later & ashely & the boys came over. it was a great day! & we'll celebrate again when we see jeff's mom in tennessee this weekend. we're driving from virginia & they're driving from florida & we're meeting half way so they can meet lena & see jeff before he deploys. but let's not talk about that. we're still enjoying time together as our little family of 3 right now......

my sweet girl

my loves

3 generations

so i guess i don't need 27 diapers & other things i learned

2011-04-27T08:38:00.009+10:00

like that lena loves the ittsy-bittsy spider song, repeated over & over again

and that people on an airplane are not phased by a crazy woman singing the ittsy-bittsy spider song over & over again as she rocks back & forth in her seat the entire flight

and that i can change a diaper on top of the toilet in a teeny tiny lavatory during turbulence, as well as pee while holding a child in a teeny tiny lavatory during turbulence

and that i no longer have the time or energy to be worried about what other people think of me as i do what i have to do for my daughter - including wearing poo covered jeans for 15 hours & having spit up all over my shirt as i walk around LAX & taking up the entire walkway as i push a stroller & a luggage cart through customs in hawaii

and most importantly that there are many, many kind, helpful & understandable people in this world

& i feel very accomplished (as noted in the picture - horrible hair, glasses, poo pants & all)...... i survived 27 hours of international travel all by myself with a 4 & 1/2 month old! & it went much better than i had been envisioning in the several weeks/ months prior to our departure. lena was amazing during the trip, she slept most of the time, only cried during take off on 3 of the flights & at the gate in LAX & chicago.

what a life experience. & i send a huge thank you to the navy guy who helped me navigate through customs in hawaii, the military wife who was behind me as we had to go through security AGAIN in hawaii, jim (retired air force - sensing a pattern here) & lisa who tried to convince the boarding guy to let me on before 1st class in hawaii, the woman from saipan who sat next to me & gave me gum on the flight from hawaii to LAX, the german couple who also tried to convince the boarding guy to let me board first in LA, the couple from roanoke who at first gave me a dirty look as i rolled up to the gate area with a crying baby, but later offered to help as we waited to board in chicago. and all the many others who kept their rolling eyes or irritated comments to themselves & to the others who were patient as i struggled with baby, stroller, carrier, 3-1-1 bag, breast milk, lap top, shoes, 2 carry on bags and all during the security check points.

i am pleased to determine the trip a success. yes she cried, yes she had a blow out, yes she peed all over herself, me & the changing table somewhere above the pacific ocean, yes i had to sing in front of people, yes i smelled like baby poo & b.o by the time we got to roanoke, & yes i barely had anything to eat for like 30 hours, but i was a happy camper & i think lena was too.

for 3 of the 4 flights we had the entire row to ourselves.... maybe it was because i called ahead & spoke to someone to arrange our seats ahead of time, maybe it was all the rocking & singing (the guy next to us on the flight from guam to hawaii asked to be reseated), maybe it was purchasing extra legroom seats, maybe all of the above, but it was awesome to spread out & not worry about someone elbowing my child in the head & to have a place to stash all the extra stuff.

and man, were there ever a lot of extra stuff. i did pack 27 diapers & probably only used 12. i had tylenol, gas drops, thermometer, saline drops, extra clothes (which was the only thing i really did use), extra bibs & burp cloths, extra shirts for me (which i needed, but never got around to changing - it was hard enough trying to pee with a baby, much less change clothes)..... but we made it & now are dealing with the jet lag. the first night was the worst, 3 & 1/2 hours of non-stop crying, the second night was better- we were awake again from 1-4am, but not crying the whole time, just playing, singing (again!) & rocking until we both fell asleep. & last night, we were up from 1230 - 2, so it's getting better!

so happy to be here, but we miss daddy! we can't wait to see him when he has some leave in a week or so..... & then he's off to the desert. we will miss him so much! but like we proved during the trip, we will get through it!

let's celebrate: 100 & 4 months!

2011-04-14T15:32:00.005+10:00

ok, this is my 100th post! & lena is 4 months old! yipee!

here are lena's 4 month updates:

weight: 14.4

forgot what her height was.... i think 25 in??

she's doing well, except for the baby eczema she has..... the nooks of her elbows & knees are so red & we've been using a prescribed lotion & hydrocortisone cream, which works well, but i am hesitant to use the hydrocortisone too much.....

she can roll over both ways, although from her back to her tummy is her favorite & seems easier for her than the other way, but we've seen her kick it from her tummy to her back

she tries really hard to get her foot in her mouth, but it always slips out at the last second

she is interested more in her toys & likes to hold on to them & of course put them in her mouth

she is sleeping well, sometimes she has an early morning awakening (3 or 4am) but usually goes back to sleep after being rocked, but most nights she sleeps 11-12 hours with 3-4 feedings/ diaper changes

she naps a lot less during the day

i think that's about all, gotta make this short, lots to do before we leave.... NEXT WEEK! i can't believe how fast time goes, we'll be heading out to the states so soon!! can't wait to be back!!

willingness

2011-04-04T13:26:00.002+10:00

willingness to let go, willingness to learn, willingness to accept...... i am struggling with an overwhelming fear of flying with miss lena..... as well as trying to be malleable as i learn how to be the best mom for lena. & this isn't easy, & it isn't about me. i knew that logically before she was born, but now that she's here it can be difficult to really face the reality that i'm not in control of everything, she is her own person (& by some people's definition "a difficult baby") but she is who she is and it isn't bad. in fact the things that some may see as undesirable can serve as strengths for her one day. but right now she is loud & she is fussy (a lot) & she is sweet & she loves to smile & she loves to cry & scream & she loves to spit up (a lot) & she loves to be entertained & she loves to have the attention on her. really... this kid knows when you are focused on her or not.... if i talk while she's nursing she will stop eating, look up at me & if she's really upset about it, will proceed to cry, but if she's just slightly bothered will give me a look like "mom, be quiet, i'm trying to eat" & then go back to nursing once i'm quiet & looking at her. really.

& yeah, last monday i went to an enlisted spouses meeting at chilli's & thought how nice it would be for her, she likes being out seeing new things, she loves being held & interacting with people.... it'll be a great time. well, as soon as i order she starts to get fussy. so my friend joy takes her & walks her around a bit, but she's not soothing down very well, so i take her & we go outside, but it's really hot so we go in & walk around. well, lena is screaming at the top of her lungs, i'm trying to feed her (maybe she's hungry) but no, she's just tearing at the nursing cover screaming & arching her back, so we continue to walk & it just gets worse, so i take her outside until the waitress can wrap the food up to go & bring me the check. & the whole table of spouses, most of whom are mothers (& there were 3 other "well behaved" babies there) were sympathetic, but i could tell they were kinda floored.... "wow, she's got some lungs" "is she colicky?" "will she take a pacifier?"..... those were just a few of the well meaning comments. but at the time i just wanted to get the hell out of there. it's frustrating, because i don't think there is anything seriously wrong with lena, but i don't know what she wants or needs & she is inconsolable. & it makes me feel like a bad mom. & then she goes home & snuggles & is so sweet. she is an intense baby. & i feel like this is a huge lesson for me. it's like someone is handing me a mirror in the form of my child. i am intense & lena has so many of the same characteristics as i do. very up & down. at one end of the spectrum or the other. & i am so trying to appreciate her for who she is, i'll admit there are times when i wish she was one of those calm mellow babies, but she's not & she is perfect the way she is. it's me who has to change, i need to change my outlook, learn to be more patient, not worry about other peoples opinions (i really do know my child the best out of anyone) & learn to see these trying times as lessons or adventures or times that are really no big deal.... because she is healthy, she is growing, she is learning about the world & i don't want my opinions of what i'd rather her do inform how she develops. i want to accept the way she is & not have any negative emotion cloud how i perceive my daughter.

but i'm still scared to death to get on that plane & travel with her for 24 hours. trying to let it go.... it'll be what it'll be & hopefully i'll never have to see anyone that's on the plane with us ever again....

mastitis, united, & coco's.... oh my!

2011-03-28T16:04:00.008+10:00

sorry, lame title.... i tried.

but yep, mastitis... oh boy. got that last week & it hit me hard. it's an infection from breast feeding & i was sick, sick, sick as a dog. throwing up, fever of 103, aches, chills, not fun. but got on antibiotics & immediately started feeling better. not sure how i got it..... i think it's from going to zumba, sweating my toukas off & then sitting in the burger king drive thru for 30 min (it's guam & at 8pm at a fast food drive thru with an old chamorro lady trying to run the joint, it alas, does take 30 minutes) - side note: this is a pretty funny story so i'll backtrack in a minute but this is so OOG (only on guam).... i pull up & wait behind a truck at the squack box for like 10 min, then he pulls up & i can order, ordering an oreo shake for jeff - i was being good - & it takes her a minute, i had to prompt her to make sure she was still there, but after she figures it out & i can, i pull up. then more waiting, about another 15 minutes & then i make it to the window. i get up there & she says "chocolate?" & i say "oreo shake" & she says "with chocolate?" me: "whatever it's made with." her: "we only have chocolate." me, in my head: "why'd you ask?" , out loud: "sure." she goes away, comes back & says "we don't have chocolate. do you want something else?" me: "no." her: "i will just give you cash back (i had paid with debit card, i never have cash) because i don't know how to do a refund"...... so i waited in a burger king drive through for 30 minutes for nothing. SO, this is when i think all that sweat & nasty-work-out-ness caused my inflammation. sitting with my stinky breast pads that long couldn't possibly have been good. but who knows, i just know i don't want to get it again.... or go through the burger king drive thru anymore.....

& yay!! i booked our tickets back to the states! & got the good seats.... for no extra charge! on continental i have the seats with the bassinet hook-up! & on united i have extra leg room! well i had to pay $49 for that one, but it'll be way worth it when the seat in front of me is not compressing us into a big ball of baby, blankets & tray tables.

& coco's island.... jeff swam from guam to the island yesterday! wish lena & i could have gone to watch, but he was gone all day & came home burnt (even though he says he reapplied), so that's no place for a baby.

on a sleep note.... lena's in the crib for the first part of the night again! have yet to see another 7 hours straight, but we get some good sleep time in before the little midnight tap dancer takes over our bed.....

that'll show you

2011-03-10T09:23:00.004+10:00

ok, so i shoulda kept my big mouth shut.... after cheerfully sharing, um.... bragging, that lena slept 7 hours straight in her crib on facebook, she has decided to show us who's boss by not sleeping in her crib at night again..... sad face here. yep, that night of 7 blissful hours was followed the next night, by one, yes one hour in her crib & the rest of the night spent back in the big kid bed so us parents could get some sleep. and again last night, same thing.... she won't stay in her crib.... i put her down, she sleeps for about an hour & wakes up & cries. i rock her, put her back down & immediately with the crying again. rock her some more, feed her, put her down.... no bueno..... hmmm......

on a better note, a much cuter, sweet note.... a video of lena laughing! this will melt your heart!

yes!

2011-03-06T13:36:00.005+10:00

the past 2 nights have been a success.... she's sleeping in her crib..... but we have yet to see for how long. the night before last, she went down around 9 & i woke her up around 3 to feed her. she was out when i went to get her from the crib. & then last night she went down at 830 & the stupid monitor's battery died around 1230, so i didn't feel ok leaving her in her room by herself without some way of hearing if she was ok. so she came to our bed at that point. BUT, monitors are charged & we are ready for another night! i'm just so happy she is liking her crib! now what are we gonna do when we leave here & go to va? hope she's adaptable!

the good, the bad & the baby

2011-03-04T12:20:00.003+10:00

last night was full of 2 notable firsts..... to start, lena is pretty good whenever we're out, not fussy, usually sleeping or at least interested in looking around.... well, that ended last night when jeff & i went to eat at our fav restaurant mermaid tavern (ruby tuesday holds a close second). not shortly after we ordered did the sweet sleepy lena rouse from slumberland & turn into a major fussbutt. ok, she wasn't that bad, but jeff & i had to take turns eating our food as one of us constantly walked her around so she wouldn't start howling again. so the sweet newborn days of constant/ consistent sleep are coming to an end..... ah boy.....

second, & this one is big, lena slept in her crib for part of the night!!!! ok, let me back up & put our embarrassing secret out there. lena sleeps in our bed. gasp! shock! i know, i know, not good.... bad habits, SIDS, accidently elbowing the baby in the head, etc. but it just happened one night when she was around 1 month old & it just was so nice to finally have sleep (she is a fantastic adult bed sleeper) & it was so easy to breast feed & honestly it was so sweet to have her right next to us (she's also a wonderful cuddler). so we kept doing it. & it's great, we all have been sleeping well at nights since she was a month old. (& she hasn't received any el-blows to the noggin.) but in the back of my mind is that little voice saying, "amy, when will she sleep on her own? if you don't start soon, you'll end up with a 5 year old in our bed...." plus i'm also really ashamed to talk about it, but honestly out of the handful of people i've told there has only been one negative commenter, the others have pretty much said, "whatever works for you" ..... to my face & probably much worse behind my back.

SO, anyway, i've been taking baby steps to get her there. starting with consistent napping during the day in her crib. & now that she's comfortable there i think it might be a reality that she'll sleep at night on her own. i put her down last night for a little evening nap at 730 (we all go to bed around 9pm) until she'd wake for the next feeding & then we'd all go to bed together. well 930 rolled around & she was out, so jeff & i just went to bed. took the baby monitor in our room & left lena in hers & i felt certain she'd be awake within a half an hour of us falling asleep, but nope..... she slept until I woke HER up around 1230!!! i just couldn't take it any more, my boobs were rocks & i needed some relief so i had to get her up to feed her, but i wonder just how long she would have slept?

this was surprisingly easy, well for jeff & lena, a little harder for me...... jeff fell asleep right away, but i laid awake most of that time & went in to check that she was still breathing i think at least 3 times. but this is promising! i won't have to go to college with her, she will gain independence!! yay!!

we'll try again tonight & see if she can do it again & then eventually maybe after i nurse her she can go back in the crib & do the whole night sometime soon!! i'll keep you posted! baby steps....

lena video

2011-03-02T13:35:00.005+10:00

here is a montage of lena moments age 0 to (almost) 3 months...... she turns 3 months next week, but i couldn't wait any longer to post the video..... here are some highlights of her developments too......

she has started "crawling"... scooting herself backwards!

she kinda does a mini push up in tummy time - can hold herself up on her elbows

she brings things to her mouth with her hands.....

she brings both hands together (she's done this for a while)

she hugs your neck when you are holding her & especially when she's sleepy, she'll nuzzle into your neck & chest

she's blowing little bubbles with her mouth

she is laughing more & very "talkative"

she is much more predictable.... mommy can tell now when she's hungry, tired, bored, etc

she is napping exclusively in her crib!!!! next step is nights.... but for naps i rock her for a minute, put her white noise cd on & put her down in the crib & with her thumb in her mouth she drifts off & sleeps very well now!

she is very interested in new things.... & really likes people watching!

enjoy the video.... there was so much to chose from, but i tried to keep it short & in most of the clips i try to state what age she is, but not all of them.... it's kinda neat to see how big she has gotten in comparison to her play gym! she is gonna be a tall one like her daddy!

2 months!

2011-02-10T15:40:00.004+10:00

Lena, you are 2 months old my dear! & you are such a doll! you had your check up yesterday & everything looks great! here are some highlights at this time......

you weigh 11lbs 13 oz!

you are 23.5 inches long!

you are very vocal... lots of coos & ahhs & even a giddy shreeek here & there

you have found your thumb & love it! you are a great self soother

you are super smiley, especially in the morning!

you sleep through the night - usually 4-6 hr stretches every night (more on sleep in another post to come soon)

you are starting to like your crib more & more - in fact that's where you're napping right now

you love spending time with daddy - when he carries you in "the basket" & you both watch soccer - that's your favorite!!

you are still bald, but i see those little hairs getting longer (can't wait to put all these clips & bows in your hair) ...... & you are blessed with the schultze swirl.... super cute!

you are the sweetest little girl in the world & we love you so so so much!!

grammy, the beach & our baby

2011-01-26T10:45:00.014+10:00

ok, i'm getting behind.... i have SO many cute photos i gotta catch up & put some up here! anyway, we had a great visit with grammy & hated it when she had to leave, but really treasure the time we had together. so here are some photos of when we went to the beach!

damn you onesies

2011-01-13T13:44:00.004+10:00

ok, so i think i hate onesies, or at least i thought i did until i realized what a giant baby i have (countered with the fact that gerber must have their infant sizes wrong)..... here's the story..... so i was dressing Lena, in a onesie - a 3-6 MONTH SIZED ONESIE - and she is one month old. go figure.... anyway, putting her in a onesie is torture for me.... trying to get it over her head without scratching her or letting her head flop all over the place, feeling like i'm twisting her arm, it's just no fun for her or me.

i have to admit though i do laugh when the onesie gets caught on her head with just her face poking out.... she looks like some cute crazy creature with her short-sleeved ears.....

but anyway, once the torture of dressing her is over & snaps are snapped.... i realize how snug it is (uh, ya think?) but i'm bewildered because it's a 3-6 MONTH ONESIE!! long story short, i didn't want to go through the pain of twisting her body to get her in & out of this damn onesie again..... i decide to cut her out, while vowing how much I HATE ONESIES!! & she will never again wear one because it's just too difficult!

but after a new dawn & another attempt at a onesie, this time a carter's 3 month, i am rethinking my vow..... maybe just swear off gerber & anything smaller than 3 month sizes (at least for the next week when then she'll probably fit into 6 month sizes....)

here's a snapshot of the remains of the dreaded gerber onesie...... ironic that it says "little lady" on the front, huh?

a close up

the remains....

one month birthday!

2011-01-11T16:35:00.005+10:00

yay Lena! you just had your one month birthday! you are more & more beautiful each day! here are some highlights.......

*you weighed 9 pounds 14 ounces at the doctor last week

*you are sleeping better at night

*you're not as fussy - don't think you're colicky, i think you were just going through a growth/ gassy phase

*you are so funny when you wake up - you stretch & throw your head back & stick your little butt butt way out & make the cutest funny face

*you also make the cutest face when you're peeing & pooping - still hoping to catch it on film soon - the face that is..... ;)

*you have had some great bonding time with grammy while she's been visiting

*you have counted to 5 on your fingers - not sure you know what you're doing but i do.....

*you smiled a real smile at me & it melted my heart

i love you sweet Lena, you are the world to me & i love you more than i ever thought i could

happy new year!!

2011-01-02T19:56:00.004+10:00

hey there 2011! can't believe it's already here! 2010 was filled with news of pregnancy, the birth of our nephew Grayson, a visit stateside with family, a trip to hong kong, another nephew born - Caleb & then the birth of our sweet baby girl Lena!

grammy is here visiting & we are so happy she's here! Lena is doing well..... we think she's a bit colicky, which i hate.... it is so hard to watch your daughter scream in pain when there is nothing you can do to help her. but today has been good, she has slept all day... which she really needed - last night was epic. poor baby. fingers crossed tonight isn't too bad.....

anyway, here are some latest pics.....

over daddy's shoulder

meeting grammy at the airport

being silly with grammy

2 weeks old

2010-12-23T16:02:00.004+10:00

little Lena, you are 2 weeks old today! i can't believe how fast the time has gone by! you are super precious & we fall more & more in love with you each day! you had your 2 week check up today & are back to your birth weight & gained almost an inch in length! here are some current Lena highlights......

*you do not fit into newborn clothes, your long legs simply won't fit

*you wear 0-3 months

*you are breast feeding well

*you like to pee & poop on the scale at the doctors office (& on the changing table at home)

*your umbilical cord stump fell off last night

*you are still mostly bald with a soft dusting of peach fuzz (super soft)

*you like car rides & being on walks in the stroller

*you do not like sleeping at night (this one we gotta work on....)

*when you do sleep you do the cutest things with your hands & arms (very articulate little girl)

*you managed to flip yourself onto your tummy once when you were sleeping (very advanced, but scary for mommy & daddy - doc says to use a sleep positioner)

*we love holding you & spend a lot of time just looking at you & how beautiful you are

thanks for being our sweet baby girl, we are so grateful that you are here in our lives! we love you SO very much!!

being silly with daddy, you burrowed your head into his stinky pits.....

Our Lena

2010-12-15T10:48:00.008+10:00

our baby is here! she is so wonderful! we are so in love! she arrived december 9th after a long 21 hour labor..... she weighed in at 8lbs 11oz..... big baby girl!

so after several weeks of waiting & being SO pregnant, the doc finally scheduled an induction at 41 weeks. we were supposed to go in wed morning, but then it got switched to wed at midnight, then after a call that afternoon we were asked to come in at 5:30. funny little thing happened that day.... i started having contractions! yay! labor had started on it's own! so we went in at 5:30 & i was 2-3cm & 80% effaced. so we walked, and walked, and walked & labor progressed on it's own. but after 15 hours & at 7 cm, being in the hospital (no food or drink or comforts of home) was taking a toll on me & i asked for an epidural. totally not part of the birth plan, but i was exhausted & needing help. so after the epidural, i felt great & then i felt nothing & felt numb & regretted getting the epidural. labor stalled & they started pitocin. i feel that if i had been able to be at home & labor until further along i might have lasted longer & wouldn't have gone this route. but it is what it is. i started spiking a fever around 9 cm & her heart rate went up, which indicates a possible infection in the uterus. so they rushed me to try to push her out! after almost 30 minutes of pushing & with help from a vacuum, our sweet baby girl was here!

they placed an IV in her little baby arm in order to give precautionary antibiotics in case there was an infection. & we had to wait 48 hours for her test results, but all turned out fine! she's healthy & perfect! we were in the hospital from wed night until sun afternoon, felt like forever! but the hospital staff & our doctor were amazing! my doc was working in the family health clinic at the hospital, but would take breaks to come check on me & ended up doing the delivery! i had 3rd degree tears from the rushed delivery & the size of her, so recovery has been rough. but i'm feeling a lot better now! but wow, labor & delivery is the most intense experience ever! & nothing went by my birth plan, except that she is here & healthy & lovely! & that's all that matters! breast feeding is going well, sleeping for mom & dad not as much, we still hold her while she sleeps & just stare at her instead of taking naps like we should. just can't take our eyes off her!

here are some pictures of our little beauty! & i have some cute ones with papa too, but it's time to feed, so i'll post more next time!

lena lena, my little ballerina! she has her arms in 5th position while she sleeps! too cute!

a late check out

2010-12-03T16:37:00.007+10:00

so, baby girl is really enjoying her time in mommy's tummy..... at 40+ weeks.... trying to be patient, but it is SO HARD! we are so ready to meet her & hold her & i want to be able to move freely & see my knuckles again! but she's healthy & i am dilated (2cm) & 50% effaced, so there's some movement in that direction. it just kinda feels like ground hog's day.... everyday i think, she could be here today! & to top it off, her nursery, clothes, car seat, everything has been ready for weeks..... so not much more nesting to do. trying to sleep & read a lot, take advantage of "me" time..... but i'm so ready for "we" time! here's a pic of the nursery! & a pic of the mobile i made for her.... made it out of extra card stock from our wedding invites!

and the cousin is here!!

2010-11-29T10:28:00.003+10:00

my sister had her baby!! caleb is such a cutie!! my sister was scheduled for a c-section (had her first child cohen through c-section) wed nov 24, but went into labor sat nov 20! she was 7cm dilated & 100% effaced & had a successful VBAC!! & caleb is just precious!! here's her post to read more & see the sweet pictures...... now we're just waiting on one more this year!

our 1 year guamaversary!

2010-11-14T16:56:00.002+10:00

so we've officially been living in guam for a year! the first part of it seemed to drag on, but then all of a sudden - bam! we've been here a year?! only 2 more to go!! i've met so many great friends since i've been here, jeff's gotten back into soccer, we went to hong kong, i traveled space a for the first time & the biggest news of all - we made a baby!! & man, due date is quick approaching! we just finished a crash lamaze course at the birthing center & i think her nursery is finally finished (pics to come soon)..... so now we just wait for our sweet baby girl to make her appearance! i can not wait to meet her! we are so excited!

maternity photos

2010-10-07T18:09:00.010+10:00

the weekend before jeff left, we got to do an awesome photo shoot with mike from jeff's office. he's building his portfolio & wanted to get some maternity shots & of course we wanted to document this awesome time too. we had a blast! the first shoot we got some amazing shots, but only shot for about 30 minutes, which included a double rainbow & then the sky dumped on us! but we got together again a few days later & got some more fun shots! check out his websitehere & if you're in guam, you should contact him & get some special photos done!

the double rainbow!

a kiss after the rain

2nd time shooting, the waves made sure we didn't stay dry for long

air force soccer article

2010-10-01T10:50:00.006+10:00

an article about my husband came out today! i'm so proud of him & so excited! he made it stateside safely & soon the training camp begins! read about it here.....

so proud of my husband

2010-09-23T14:15:00.004+10:00

so jeff was accepted for the All Air Force Soccer Training Camp! a pretty big deal.... out of the whole air force, they chose 43 players & not only is jeff a keeper (fewer number of people chosen) but he was 1 of 5 in his rank! he gets to go back to the states, which by itself is amazing, but he gets to go back to where we lived before we moved to guam! fort walton beach!! he's gonna be able to see his family & our friends (not to mention eat at lenny's & shop at target)!

i am very excited & have a good feeling he'll be chosen for the team. not trying to jinx it, but he's been training so hard & deserves this! besides playing on the men's league here, he's also been training & playing with the Guam Men's National Team.

anyway, gonna miss him a bunch this next month, but so excited for him! here's hoping baby girl stays snug & cozy in mommy's tummy while daddy's gone! at 30 weeks today! she's kicking now, she's proud of her awesome poppa!

can you say "remembrance, hope & gratitude"?

2010-08-30T13:24:00.005+10:00

ok, so my last post was me complaining about the rainy season here. & yesterday it had been 5 years since hurricane katrina had hit. i remember that day & the days that followed...... living right on the gulf during this time of year is always unsettling (ivan hit us hard & destroyed a lot in 2004), but watching what new orleans suffered through was so disheartening. we were fine when katrina hit, just loss of power for a while, but it was horrible to see the destruction & devastation that occurred. but there is hope now with ongoing rebuilding efforts & as we continue to hear stories of survival & perseverance.

and the victims of the floods in pakistan. so sad to see all the destruction & suffering occurring in their country.

so i hope & pray for the victims of these natural disasters. & i feel gratitude that here in guam we were safe the day i blogged about the rain.

can you say "rainy season"?

2010-08-26T11:37:00.003+10:00

so this tropical little island in the middle of nowhere has only 2 seasons.... rainy & dry. & i didn't think much of it as we entered the rainy season this year & enjoyed a smattering of little showers here & there. i was thinking, "man, this isn't that bad. it rains a little bit for a few minutes & then back to sunshine".... well, then came this week. with rains that lasted on & off all day. & finding myself being poured on not once, but twice this week, running from store to car. but then yesterday as i was driving back from yoga i got to see the ugly side of these rains. i go to yoga down at the navy base, which is not very far away (considering the whole island is like 30 miles long - with us at the top & navy in the middle) but it's about a 40 minute drive one way.

anyway, so it was raining, a lot, when i left navy & knew it would take longer than the 40 minute drive considering the rains were so bad. but i was not prepared for the roads to turn into muddy rivers. really. the water was up to the top of cars tires. it was pretty scary. & the times when you could see the pavement it looked like a coconut mass murder horror scene with coconuts shattered all over the place. the power was out & there were a few cops out directing our hybrid land/ water vehicles where to drive.

but thankfully i made it out alive & didn't float away & as i get back closer to the top of the island, it looks like there hadn't even been a drop of rain all day. sunny & dry & the total opposite of what i just drove through.

only on guam. wish i had a camera with me yesterday...... rivers for roads, muddy waterfalls down the side of the mountains, coconut crime scenes...... i have a feeling that wasn't the one & only time.....

hong kong hustle

2010-08-20T11:21:00.013+10:00

so we went to hong kong last weekend & had a wonderful time! we purchased a holiday packet from info, tickets & tours (ITT) on base, which was easy & somewhat affordable. we left on a friday night & were greeted at the airport by our own driver who took us right to the hotel. we stayed at the regal hong kong, which is located in causeway bay on the island. a nice hotel, it smelled good (important for a pregnant lady) & the staff were very friendly. our room had a nice view of the city & the best part of the hotel, besides location, was the rooftop pool.

saturday we took the mtr to the big buddah on lantau island & had an awesome (sweaty hot) day! had lunch at one of the shopping areas near the mtr before heading back. the mtr is easy to navigate & affordable (we got the octopus card), but certain areas still require a lot of walking to get from the train to your destination. but it seemed like every station had a mall inside. holy shopping hong kong!

our personalized tv greeting

some sights around the hotel

in the cable car

big buddah & mini buddah belly

one of the deities at the top

after our late lunch & train ride back, we hit the pool & chilled out until it was time to shower up & head out for dinner. we stayed close to the hotel & checked out a huge mall in causeway bay - times square. we ate at a nice chinese restaurant & had dumplings & a chicken & veggie dish. the waiter asked if we wanted a fork & knife & we said no, because, come on who wants to be those people..... we're not bad with chopsticks, but we're not the best. especially when the veggie dish has these teeny little slippery round mushrooms that made me feel like any second i could be mistaken for julia roberts in pretty woman when she shucks the snail across the restaurant. but all mushrooms stayed at our table & i wish i had gotten a picture of the table set up..... beautiful. but too hungry for pictures, so sorry blog.

killer views

chopstick store!

the next day we were gonna head out to the bird & flower market & then hit up a temple, but it was a bit rainy so we headed across the island to kowloon & tsim sha tsui to check out the museums. we went to the art museum which was awesome, beside beautiful art the view from the building was stellar. you could see all the harbor! we had a great time. after the museum we headed to harbour city, another huge shopping area. we had the best burgers at BLT burger & walked around a bit before heading back to the hotel for some more pool time.

in the art museum, crazy view

hong kong ballet poster in the mtr

i really wanted to catch a harbor cruise to see the lights & buildings, but you can't rush a pregnant lady & when i need to eat, i need to eat. so we skipped it & hopped in a cab & headed to soho in search of a tapas restaurant i read about. again, i should have taken a picture of the restaurant, but when it comes to food there are no distractions. we shared some great plates & had delicious dessert & then wondered around soho. i think the following weekend there is a lunar festival of some kind because we saw lots of women outside burning things (papers, incense, food..... yep, little fruits & stuff). we even ran across a little shrine in an alley & it smelled so good with all the incense burning. to end the night we hit up a soccer pub & watched a game before heading back. the guy working there was awesome & even gave jeff a free beer!

alleyway in soho

alley shrine

at the soccer bar

so our last day, monday, we were planning to head up to the peak to take in the sights of the harbour, but jeff woke up really sick..... puking, chills, the whole deal. so i played mommy & walked to the 7-11 for meds & gatorades. i felt so bad for him.... who wants to get sick on vacation? poor guy. but he was a trooper. we got a late check out & then went to the closest mall to eat (well, so i could eat) & kill time before our car was to take us to the airport. we ducked into an alley market & got some good photos & then went back to the lobby to meet the car. we enjoyed our last drive through hong kong before boarding our plane back to guam.

taxi view

alley market

being dropped off at the airport, goodbye hong kong....

we had a great time together & it was a much deserved, although quite delayed honeymoon, (we've been married 4 years). it was a wonderful trip, being pregnant while traveling was no biggie (lovin the 2nd trimester) & we were so happy to do something special just the two of us before our baby girl arrives. we didn't stress that we didn't win the sight-seers most scenes seen award, there is SO much to do there, but we got a great feel for the city & culture & really enjoyed our time there. & who knows maybe we'll go back before we leave guam.

baby notes

2010-08-04T14:41:00.006+10:00

to my dear sweet baby girl,

we caught our first glimpse of you yesterday. we saw your beating heart, your precious face, your long feet. you were stretching in my tummy, your body reaching over your legs with your sweet hands cuddled by your face. it made us so happy to see you & find out more about you. we haven't decided on your name yet, still trying to find the one that "fits". we think about you all the time & wonder who you'll grow into. you spend a lot of time moving around in my tummy & i like to think you can hear our voices talking to you. thank you for choosing us to be your parents. we love you very much!

i don't know why, but....

2010-07-28T15:08:00.004+10:00

i just started reading some of my previous posts from last year & came across this one & it made me really sad...... i really miss dancing. i feel a little lost without it. i can't really dance right now anyway (not fully because of my belly - no arabesques or port de corps forwards, etc)......... but i don't know when dance will be back. & that makes me want to cry (well i'm tearing up now), but i wish i knew that after the baby i'll return to dancing & teaching. & i'm scared that after these guam years i don't know where we'll be, who will hire me, will i still be able to dance after being "off" for so long? i feel like getting my mfa is a door back into the dance world, but knowing what's in store for us after guam is so unclear right now. i just know i love dance & i'm really missing it.......

oh yeah, florida

2010-07-28T14:28:00.007+10:00

so i went to florida when i was stateside..... my second home! took ballet class, got to see my friends & students & spent some great time with my in-laws! went to the beach & watched people look for tar balls.... at that point the beaches were pretty clear of tar, and pretty clear of tourists. so sad that the oil spill had to happen & i hope that full recovery efforts are made for the beautiful gulf. i did lots more shopping & eating, watched world cup matches with my father-in-law & all in all it was a perfect visit! but a short visit & before i knew it i was on a plane back to cali to try to space a back to guam. didn't have much luck out of travis, camped out for 2 days & finally gave up on space a. at that point wasn't feeling very persistent, was sick of hotels & spending money on food & shuttles, so i decided to spend even more money for a commercial flight back. it wasn't too bad & i was happy knowing i had my appointment & my husband (who i missed SO much) to get back to. after the long flights & layovers i made it home & was only jet lagged for a few days. i did think i was allergic to guam though because the 1st 2 days back i spent the mornings puking, which i hadn't done much of the entire trip stateside. so i was certain it was guam that was making me sick, but turns out i think the trip was a lot on my body & baby & i was very thankful that i was in my comfortable home with my familiar toilet & not on a full flight or making my way through the terminal when the puke decided to return.

going home & seeing family & friends was so wonderful & i look forward to the next visit, i'll have a little travel companion by then.....

darby (one of my students) & i after ballet class

my girls! both moved from florida this summer..... maine & vegas....... miss them!

memory lane

2010-07-20T11:11:00.004+10:00

so my friend had posted a video of her doing grand pas on her facebook this morning & it brought back a lot of memories...... she was able to go & perform for me last year because i was in the process of moving to guam. (& she did a beautiful job!) but i've been thinking of how much i miss dancing lately. it's nice that i'm able to go another direction with my life & i've wanted to be a mom for a while, so things work out. but i have to say i feel like something is missing...... this is from 08, me & sean, my most favorite partner who just returned from performing with armitage gone at jacob's pillow this summer!

4 years!

2010-07-15T10:10:00.004+10:00

jeff & i have been married 4 years today! & it's appropriate that i had a dream last night that we were having another wedding..... it was a small, quirky, funny wedding.... very dream-like.... no bouquets, but i had a massive veil. my sister was there (also wearing white) & we had these funny earrings, very retro & more earrings than we had piercings for.... huh, dreams.... but you know what, i'd do it all over again in a heartbeat (minus the weird earrings)! i love you jeff & am excited about our growing family!!

preggo update

2010-07-13T10:48:00.007+10:00

so i'm currently at 19 weeks (photo at 18 weeks) & finally got a doctors appointment for this friday (i'll be 20 weeks). i've been seen once the whole time i've been pregnant..... at 12 weeks. now there is kinda a long story here.... part of this is due to my trip back to the states. i had my 16 week appointment rescheduled for a week & half later so i could spend more time in the states & while i was stateside the clinic called to reschedule the reschedule.... so i had my new date.... july 2 & i would have been 18 weeks. well, turns out there was no appointment then, they had rescheduled me again & put my appointment at june 30, but no one ever called or consulted me. i had no way of knowing that there was any change. so long story short, i'm in the states trying to get back to make it in time for my appointment & i make it back a few days before. well jeff finds out from a friend that he ran into at the gym the day of our "appointment" that there is a change of command that AM & there were no appointments that morning & that i had a no show a week before.

so after calls of trying to reschedule, we finally went in to talk to someone & now we have an appointment! & i hope they removed it from my file that i was a "no show". i bought a commercial ticket back to make sure i was there for my appointment that didn't exist, that's how committed i am. but after all is said & done, i just want to see the doc & make sure baby is healthy & everything is going the way it should....

we might not get an ultrasound on friday, they said it was just a basic check up, but i'm gonna plead with the doc to see the soonest we can get one. supposedly at 20 weeks is an ultrasound & you find out the sex. i really hope they don't push us back too far. my sister has her appointment tomorrow & she'll find out girl or boy! so excited for her!! & here's hoping that her appointment goes well & that friday brings good news for us & i'm just a slightly worried anxious new mom with a healthy growing baby that just hasn't needed to see the doctor that often..... :)

time in virginia

2010-07-07T09:37:00.008+10:00

gotta catch up my posts on my visit home, visit to florida & journey back to guam! ok, so i had a great time in va, eating fresh veggies from my mom's garden, shopping for maternity clothes, having my mom, who's a certified reiki master perform some reiki on me, going with my sister to her doctor's visit, which is a funny story...... so i think it was maybe both our 16 week & ash had her appointment & i wanted so badly to ask the doc to listen to my baby's heartbeat too, but i kinda chickened out at the last minute...... but ash & i both took note & gave each other the mischievous eye when the doc put the stethescope (?) back in the drawer on his way out. but then decided not to "play doctor" because we were sure we would break the heartbeat listening contraption & have a nurse walk in on us & wonder what the heck these two crazy women were doing. but we heard one baby heartbeat & it was great!

so toward the end of my stay i had a special visit from jeff's sister & her husband & my two nephews! mayer & i are best buds, but it was my first time meeting grayson, the newest addition.... we had a nice day together & they are moving to germany in a few weeks, so it was wonderful i was able to see them before they left!

my nephew mayer & me - we had so much fun playing around!

the whole crew (slightly blurry, but it's us)

my new nephew grayson, the happiest baby ever!

on my other side (my sister's son), my nephew cohen..... pool day!

and then my sister threw me a baby shower! it was great seeing my family & getting sweet little baby gifts. it's funny trying to shop without knowing the gender, we ended up with lots of duck themed items.....

my sister, nephew cohen & me

momma & me (the clothes pins are from the don't say the word "baby" game.... at this point i was winning, but shortly after this photo i got taken by my cousin who won the game)

the 3 preggies.... my sister ashely, my cousin april (who just gave birth to her beautiful girl emery!) & me

the centerpiece that broke my camera (more on that after the photos), but this is a special centerpiece.... it's been in the family since my granny was pregnant. & it's been at every baby shower in the family since!

this is only about half of the duckie goods..... i still have lots of stuff at my mom's that she's shipping...... but it gives you an idea......

& i broke our camera! i think back on all the times i took it to the beach, was a little tipsy from too many margaritas, all the other clumsy times i slugged that camera around & what a stupid time for it to finally break.... i was taking a picture of the centerpiece at the shower & dropped it right smack on the lens...... & i was sober! it was mildly upsetting because i knew i wouldn't be able to take any photos in florida....... oh well, these things happen. & jeff got us a good deal on a new camera that we like better anyway, so......

well, next post i'll finish up my time in florida & the fun time i had trying to get back to guam!

the journey stateside

2010-06-08T23:40:00.005+10:00

i've not posted in a bit because i've been stateside visiting & busy or i've been trying to get stateside. it took me a total of 3 days to get here, 3 longs days with no bed or shower, which is hard but even harder when you're pregnant. but overall i had great luck with space a & commercial flights.
i only got denied one hop (a kc-10, very few seats) before i got on one that left memorial day. had to be at the terminal at 3something AM, but it was worth it. i was on a c-17 & the seats weren't as uncomfortable as everyone says. we also were really lucky because there wasn't much cargo so the whole plane was basically empty & everyone spread out blankets & laid on the floor. well after about a 7hour flight we got to hawaii- sunday evening. going back in time was weird & took me a minute to realize the time change. there was an uncomfortable 12 hour layover before the plane left for cali. & if i had it to do over, i wouldn't hesitate to get a room. trying to sleep in a hard plastic chair with your luggage propped up so you can extend your legs without getting a cramp in your side does not a sleep make. so i was very happy when roll call came around again to get back on the plane that allows you to camp out on the floor.
so we leave monday morning, AGAIN & this time a short 5 something hour flight & then we're in cali. & it's evening again & i call a shuttle to take me to san fran airport so i can get on a flight to the east coast. at this point i'm crabby, dirty, hungry but so excited to be stateside. the drive to the airport was amazing! i've never been so excited to see a highway/ interstate! we drove past downtown & the san fran bridge, but it was dark & fog was rolling in so visibility wasn't much. i was still blown away at seeing the roads stateside. (guam people will understand)
so i get to the airport around 11pm & try to convince the delta guy to book me on a 1am flight to charlotte for $146. haha. well, he couldn't do it but suggested i go book it online where i had seen that amazing deal prior to our conversation. but once i get to the uso & get online the 1am flight was no longer available at a price i was willing to pay, so i settled on a 6am flight for close to about $200. the uso people were so nice & let me camp out on the couch & they even gave me a wake up call for 330am.
so again starts day 3 of flights..... & this time i'm on commercial so i'm not looking forward to tight seats with no leg room. but the flights weren't that long & even after about an 1.5 hour delay in atlanta (delta & atl, of course there is a delay) i arrive in charlotte to my beautiful momma waiting for me!!
so i've been enjoying my mom's cooking & pampering & seeing my sister & nephew (& eating chick-fil-a, sonic & panera) for about a week now. i've even been to a real mall & target! & let me tell you going to a grocery store for the first time blew me away. the selection & quality & prices of the products where unbelievable! i miss real grocery stores!
i miss my husband & my friends in guam & right now that's about all. love you guam, but it feels good to be home!
i feel very lucky that i made it over with no major issues..... all the planes left when they were supposed to, safe flights, a little greasy & tired, but overall totally worth it to get home to be with my family! i'm looking forward to a busy week with more family visits, an impromptu baby shower & then off to florida to visit more family & friends! i'll post pictures later!!

the heartbeat

2010-05-20T16:31:00.007+10:00

yay! we had our first appointment today & we heard the baby's heartbeat for the 1st time! 158 beats per minute! so excited!

tag

2010-05-15T15:17:00.004+10:00

yesterday was the one year anniversary of when our sweet doggy tag passed away. he was the best dog ever & we have so many memories of him. i think of tag all the time still & he'll always be in our hearts.

we love you sweet baby boy & miss you everyday!

as a puppy... a puppy puppet

lettuce face

showing off one of his tricks. he could balance on his back legs forever

11 weeks

2010-05-13T14:45:00.007+10:00

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 11 weeks

Size of baby: Size of a large lime! - copied from Ash's blog, i read that at 11 weeks the size is more like a fig..... lime, fig....

Total Weight Gain/Loss: nothing really - i think between eating everything & then all the throwing up, i'm balancing out

Maternity Clothes: i haven't officially bought any yet, but wearing medium sizes & feeling that everything is very snug. i think this is the weekend i go shopping at the maternity store.....

Gender: dunno, maybe a girl. i still have a weird feeling they might be twins. i hope i'm completely out of my mind wrong.

Movement: Nope not yet

Food Cravings: everything, except anything bbq. i love citrus (like i am drowning myself in lemonade) but i think it triggers my puking.

What I miss: my family & being more active

Sleep: not very comfortable - achy body & lots of peeing keep me from sleeping through the night

Symptoms: nausea, vomiting, being forgetful (& sometimes stupid), headaches, body aches, smelling EVERYTHING
Best Moment this week: getting through an 1.5 hr of yoga after puking & not feeling well. & not pregnancy related, but jeff is now on the guam men's national team (soccer) & started training this week!

What I am looking forward to: the 1st appointment next week!!!

happy mother's day.... late

2010-05-11T07:49:00.004+10:00

i think i've not been the best blogger lately. not sure if that's because there is nothing really to blog about (only so many posts i can devote to puking) or that my pregnant brain is way too out of control for a cohesive, witty (not that any previous posts ever were) entry. so i'm gonna say happy mother's day 2 days late. thank goodness i got cards & gifts out for the actual day. & in keeping with my lazy blogger style will steal from other bloggers to make this post worthy of publishing.

so my sister is the best. she helped coordinate a gift for our momma. & she wrote the sweetest blog about how wonderful our momma is. read it here.

and my friend terrell wrote a hilarious, spot on post for guys to have a good mothers day. i suggest all fathers/ sons/ husbands read this. you can also reference her list for other holidays such as birthdays or any time you've found your self in the doghouse & would like to make amends with your sweet wifey. read here.

here are my two favorite mommas......

jeff's momma, with jeff & his poppa

& me & my momma

9 weeks & counting, um puking

2010-05-02T11:30:00.003+10:00

so i got this template from my sister & she's doing the same on her blog & i thought it'd be nice to keep the family & friends back home updated on the preggo highlights. so here ya go.....

Pregnancy Highlights:

How Far Along: 9 weeks & 2 days (who's counting?)

Size Of Baby: The embryo measures about 0.9 inches to 1.2 inches from crown to rump, or the size of a strawberry. The arms and legs are longer, and the fingers might be a little swollen where the touch pads are forming. The head is more erect and neck is more developed. Your baby now moves its body and limbs, and this movement can be visible during an ultrasound, but you won't be able to feel it yet. (copied from ash's blog)

Maternity Clothes: no, but i'm now in medium big girl panties & yoga pants & my tummy busts over my regular jeans & i can not wear a fitted top because i think i look really thick

Gender: i was feeling it was a girl, but after 2 days of violent puking sessions, i think she might be a he....
Movement: nope, but it'll be exciting when it happens!
Food Cravings: yes, everything that can not be found on this island... papa johns, panera, firehouse subs, arbys. other than that i will crave something & then when i eat it it's not what i'm expecting it to be. not very satisfied by food lately. oh & the puking, that makes eating not as fun. i won't go into detail.

What I miss: being close to my family. that's the biggest. other than that i hate that i miss going out & doing stuff because i'm sick.

Sleep: pretty good, minus lots of peepee trips at night & having pains in my joints when i'm sleeping.

Symptoms: nausea, puking, sore boobies, achy joints, being tired, being hungry, being dramatic (can i blame that on being pregnant?)

Best Moment this week: going to a friend's doctor's appointment & hearing the baby's heartbeat!

What I am looking forward to: my first doc's appointment on may 20! & getting out of the first trimester. this is not fun, but oh so worth it.

blueberries

2010-04-16T13:39:00.004+10:00

well today i had an ob orientation at the health & wellness center on base. you know, talks on nutrition for the baby, dental health, when appointments will be & what they'll do at each appointment. i got very scared during the dental briefing because she showed us pictures of a pregnancy tumor that can happen on your gums during pregnancy. ok, i'm not the best at flossing & lately every time i brush my teeth i'm gagging, so i'm freaking out that i'm gonna get some big-ol-gum-growth out of my mouth during these next 7 months. anyway, there were about 7 preggos (including my seat mate vanessa, she works in jeff's office & she's at 9 weeks) in the briefing & they had us fill out our charts. which the charts are full of stuff - stuff you'd expect like past family history forms, genetic screening tests forms, etc..... then other forms like the one that asks you about your birthing plan. they get right down to it asking such questions as "do you want to change positions when you're pushing?" "would you like the use of a mirror to see your baby being born?" "would you like the lights dim?" "would you like to see the placenta?" i mean stuff i wasn't even prepared to think about. woah. & it's weird they ask us now, before we even get to talk with a doctor or hear the baby's heart beat.

they scheduled everyone's appointments for their 12 week (1st) appointment. but my doc is off island so i can't see him until 13 weeks.... that's a long time to wait to see the doc for the 1st time. in fact, my sister (who has the same exact preggo dates as me - we're both 7 weeks) saw her doc today & got a sonogram & everything! they even scheduled her c-section delivery. (she had a previous delivery via c-section) she'll have her baby nov 24! how exciting! it's crazy the way things work out..... mom will be there for ash's delivery & then hop on over here for grandbaby #2 (well, 3rd one technically, but the 2nd one to be delivered this year)

ugh, i just want to see the doc soon! it's hard to wait & wonder how my little seed is doing. i'm still feeling queasy, i have the nose of a bloodhound, i eat & pee all the time & have a little tummy pooch already. so exciting! the baby is the size of a blueberry now & has little hands & feet that are like paddles! (according to babycenter.com) more to come later!

a fantastic giveaway!

2010-04-08T09:32:00.002+10:00

ok, you all must rush over to my best guam friend's blog to enter her giveaway! the prize is a fantastic, unique, beautiful (i could go on & on) pair of earrings made by moi! the deadline is in a few days (i'm a bit behind because of these preggo pains) so you need to hurry if you want to win a free pair of earrings!!

an easter egg

2010-04-06T10:10:00.005+10:00

ok, i've been just dying to blog about this & have waited over a week (which when you have a secret this exciting the week feels like FOREVER)..... so the wonderful news is...... we're pregnant! yay! we're gonna have a little baby! i just can't believe it! we found out march 27 after 2 positive home pregnancy tests, which i took after an intuitive feeling & a lot of pregnant talk 2 days before. a friend i do yoga class with told me she was pregnant on a wed, then on thurs i found out my sister is pregnant, so i just kinda had this feeling i should take a test & see if maybe i am too. well, it turns out that yes i'm on that pregnant train too. but my sister & i have the exact same dates! we're going through this together & i couldn't ask for a more extraordinary experience! it's wonderful!! our mom is over the moon thrilled that she'll have 2 more grandbabies on the way around the same time! but of course i'm on the other side of the globe so that puts a little extra fun/ stress into the situation. it'd be so funny if i was at home for the birth & my sis & i did this movie style with the doc running between our rooms catching those birthing babies!

so i'm (we're) 5 weeks preggo & it looks like the due date is set for dec 2 as of now. which is the day after jeff's birthday, 6 days before his sister's birthday, 10 days before my nephew's birthday & 11 days before my sister's birthday. i guess our families have something for december, or would it be march? heehee.

so i had been feeling great, not tired or sick, really not many symptoms at all & i'm thinking "oh, this pregnant thing is a breeze. i get to eat all the time, i don't have to suck in my tummy & people get to be excited for me & i get to gush about the wonderful news!" well, still gushing, but in between sickness now. i feel nauseous a lot, have really bad headaches, my back hurts & i feel hot all the time. which i'm always the person that has the thermostat set at 79 degrees & still need to curl up under the blanket on the couch because i'm cold.

but being pregnant is cool. just knowing that there is this little baby growing inside me, who at this point in time is the size of a sesame seed, it's just so incredible. my body feels different, my boobs got bigger (that was the only thing i noticed before we took the tests that gave me any kinda hint that things were different), my hips have gotten bigger (which my dance teacher did not hesitate to mention saturday when i took ballet class & told her the news, gee thanks) & my clothes are all fitting a bit tighter. time to get some bigger stuff. oh boy, not looking forward to moving up the size charts.

so i foresee a bunch of posts about this baby, my growing belly & our birthing adventures here on guam. i hope to continue to dance while i'm pregnant, i've been told your pirouettes improve when you're preggo, so we'll see. so that's our news! we're having a boonie baby!

winding wire update

2010-04-02T19:12:00.005+10:00

so i have some new items up at etsy for sale. here is a peek at what i've been working on..... got more coming soon!

giveaway

2010-03-26T08:40:00.003+10:00

so one of my awesome guam friends is doing a giveaway..... some pretty fantastic items from this side of the globe...... table runner & place settings from hong kong, homemade journal from thailand (really beautiful) & of course an i heart guam t-shirt! so go over there & leave her a comment, follow her blog (it's a pretty great one) & maybe you'll win!! click here & good luck!

so guam-y

2010-03-20T10:13:00.005+10:00

ok, imagine laying in bed, deep in sleep & then feeling your husband wake up, so you wake up & you both stare dumbfounded down the hallway at 2am...... the lights are on & they weren't on when we went to sleep. so your husband gets that anxious feeling, while you're still half in sleep, babbling for him to go turn them off. then you realize "oh, yeah, this isn't supposed to happen" & then get anxious feelings for your husband as he stealthy-ly sneaks down the hallway on guard for an intruder. and you start to think, "do i sleep walk?", "does my husband sleepwalk?"...... then you get the "all's clear" from the hubs & get out of bed to help turn out the 2 lights that are on in the hallway & the dinning room entrance. well, as you're living in guam in base housing, turning off these lights is a bit more difficult than one would think. because the power has gone out. in the entire house. you don't see the glaring numbers from the alarm clock & you feel the hot air & think "oh yeah, this happens in guam.... a lot"...... "but why are those two lights on & why don't any of these switches turn them off?" so you stumble back to the bedroom, lights still on (really no switches would turn them off) & decide to open a window, shut the bedroom door & try to go back to sleep, sans hot covers..... then you wake in the morning to a house powered back on & two random lights back off & wonder if this was a dream or just a typical guam evening when the power goes out.

more downward dogs, less developés

2010-03-19T11:25:00.009+10:00

it's so funny the way things develop. about a year ago i was ballet-ing at least 6 days a week & not able to really cross-train (most days too exhausted to even cook dinner). & was in pain more often than i'd like..... i was in great ballet-fighting shape, but i really craved balance for my body (& for my spirit). doing the same very precise, somewhat unnatural movements everyday really wears on the body. tight hip flexors, tight IT band, sore everywhere, continuous knee clicking & jamming....... everyday.

not even a block from the dance studio is a yoga studio & i would look out the window while we were at barre wishing i could skip class & go take yoga (& i'll admit just as many days i also wanted to escape to go enjoy sweet potato fries & a cold glass of chardonnay at the fabulous big city restaurant right across the street) but anyway, i really craved balance. and now the table has flipped..... i now take yoga class about 2 times a week, (with a body conditioning, abs & buns & zumba class thrown in as well) & find myself at the barre a mere once a week. (plus i eat all the sweet potato fries i want...... & chocolate mousse napoleons, carbonaras, pringles, chicken pot pies...... a random assortment of edibles, but it is what i've been eating the past few days) my body feels great, i'm still a bit heavier (could it be those napoleons?) than i was when i was dancing, but i feel more in balance, a less abusive owner of my body.

when i'm in ballet class (saturdays for 2.5 hours- long class & a bit of rehearsing phrases at the end of class) i still feel good, like a dancer, but i am not as "on" as i used to be. the developés are a bit low, no more triple pirouettes & my balances are ok on the left, non existent on the right..... but i feel ok with that. i don't have any reason to push my body, i don't have anywhere i have to "be" dance wise, it's more just about me, in class, doing what i can & i kinda like that. i do miss the theater (my company back in florida is performing coppelia this week), the rehearsals, the accomplishments, the pain & sacrifice..... but i've been through that. i did promise the studio here that i would perform a solo for a demo they're doing at the mall in april. so i have that goal & the rehearsals (more like run through it once & it's ok, so i'm done), to work on. but the performance is gonna be on concrete (will need 2 weeks of yoga to counter the pain from dancing on that) & i'm just doing some waltz turns, chaines & boureés & i don't think anyone expects a lot more than that.

it's a weird thing here, i keep waiting for something to develop...... i know about the demo at the mall & the guam ballet is doing a production of sirena (guam story of a mermaid) in august which they've talked about me being a part of. they say i might be able to teach a class, but nothing is set yet. i guess coming from a place where my roles as teacher & performer were so developed & i had a contract (that makes it all so much more clear) & a pay check (also makes things so much better) & then to here where it took forever just to find a class to take. i suppose it's normal to be trying to get my foot in the door & figuring out where i fit in. i need more patience. i hear my mom singing her patience song in my head ("p, a, t.... i, e, n..... c, e spells patience") which i can laugh about now, but when you're 5 & throwing a tantrum, or maybe even having a 16 year old tantrum, it's not nearly as funny. love ya mom!

& now after spending way too long on this post, i leave you with a photo of those infamous naploeons (which i made myself & felt such pride when a friend told me she thought they were from a restaurant) & some downward dog..... to maintain balance.

(photo from able bodied yoga)

rain on my parade

2010-03-16T08:53:00.005+10:00

not that i'm having a parade.

anyway, today in guam it's a monsoon of rain & wind & not sure why (but always seems to be) when you least want or need it to rain it will. so here comes my vent..... we have a leaky valve stem on our tire & for the record, no big deal, but this is our 3rd tire issue in like 3 weeks. last week it was a nail in the tire & before that a leaky stem on another one of the tires. we managed to temporarily fix it with duck tape. thank goodness for duck tape (but could do without the 4 inches of rain in the road) & the car place can get me in at 1:30 today, so that's a relief.

next on the list.....

i hate admitting this but maybe instead of thinking i'm stupid some of you might actually pity me (probably for being stupid). but i lost my wedding ring this weekend. yep, horrible. i set it in my lap in the car to put lotion on (i do this all the time- everyday for the past 4 years) & when i forgot to put it back on my finger & got out of the car it went to the place where all lost things go. i didn't realize it was missing for a bit & i was hoping it was at home, but just in case searched all around the parked car. & nope it wasn't at home, wasn't in the parking lot (which is grass & gravel- you wouldn't expect it to be easy right) & wasn't in the car. i cried for at least 2 hours that night. & went back to the grass & gravel parking lot a day later & searched for 45 minutes.

and finally, we have our tax appointment today. most people are excited to turn in their taxes & await a nice refund check.... not us. because of my job i work with 1099s, independent employee contracts & taxes are not taken out of my checks. so i pay quarterly & usually end up owing extra (somewhere around $2,500) come april 15. so we'll soon find out how much more i have to pay the irs.

ok, but can't leave on a sour note. even though all these crappy things are happening, i have a few things to be thankful for..... duck tape, still having my engagement ring, & not working a full year last year (less money owed). & the rain. makes for a good cuddle under the blanket on the couch & watch movies afternoon. which is exactly what i'll do after all the appointments are over.

ritidian beach

2010-03-15T14:56:00.005+10:00

last week i went to this beach with terrell & it was so beautiful. the atmosphere is so nice, it's like being on a secluded island. being surrounded by beautiful trees & butterflies (there were so many butterflies) & then walking down a little path to the vast open ocean was such a magical experience. we went on a thursday & we were almost the only people on the beach. i wanted to take jeff this past weekend & it was nice when we went (sunday) but it was so crowded...... not quite as magical. but still beautiful & we had a nice time.

terrell writes about the experience in a much more interesting way & includes some other photos here in her blog.

good to know....

path looking out at the ocean

one of many....

on a deserted island

coral collage

road at ritidian

kids singing

2010-03-08T19:59:00.004+10:00

love this video.... PS22 sings lisztomania by phoenix. so sad that the arts are being cut out of schools.

oh guam

2010-03-08T16:06:00.002+10:00

so beautiful......

a shout out

2010-03-05T11:55:00.003+10:00

so a trio of us guam bloggers got together for coffee! been reading each others blogs for a bit & finally we all got together today. terrell & i have actually met before & already have a couple of nice beach days under our belts! but yay for new friends, guam friends, blog friends..... terrell & tessa, awesome ladies (click on their names to see their very cool blogs). it will be fun getting to know them more & share guamish experiences together!

an ocean & a sea, & perhaps a coconut tree

2010-03-04T22:14:00.006+10:00

perhaps, i love that coy little anticipatory word. but yes perhaps a coconut tree will grow in my yard. today terrell & i went to the beach & i took home 2 coconuts. now, i'll backtrack a bit because if you're my friend on facebook, you've probably seen many a status update related to growing a coconut tree & that i've been wanting to grow a coconut tree for a while now but don't really know anything about growing coconut trees. i look at neighbor's yards & see random coconuts laying about, in the grass or on the patio. & i'll see over time that they start to sprout & then comes a smallish coconut tree. so it seems to be that if you have a coconut it will at some point naturally become a tree. so i'm gonna find out.

while we're at it..... what's the difference between an ocean & a sea? just a random thought i had while laying in bed tonight. yes, i got out of bed to blog about a coconut tree & my lack of 5th grade geography knowledge. sometimes my mind is so loud that it requires some sort of action to shut it up. thanks blog. & now goodnight!

fairyland

2010-02-25T17:54:00.001+10:00

"There is such a place as fairyland - but only children can find the way to it. And they do not know that it is fairyland until they have grown so old that they forget the way. One bitter day, when they seek it and cannot find it, they realize what they have lost; and that is the tragedy of life. On that day the gates of Eden are shut behind them and the age of gold is over. Henceforth they must dwell in the common light of common day. Only a few, who remain children at heart, can ever find that fair, lost path again; and blessed are they above mortals. They, and only they, can bring us tidings from that dear country where we once sojourned and from which we must evermore be exiles. The world calls them its singers and poets and artists and story-tellers; but they are just people who have never forgotten the way to fairyland."

L.M. Montgomery (The Story Girl)

dance dance dance

2010-02-23T09:26:00.004+10:00

so check out this blog post by modish....... it's d for dancing like nobody's watching...... nice video by bon iver & lykke li & then some photos of dance.....

being a permanent tourist

2010-02-22T19:26:00.005+10:00

fun weekend & i'm kicking myself for not taking pictures continuously like the rest of the smart tourists do while they're on this beautiful island. anywaay, just imagine in your mind a beautiful tropical island where the weather is perfect, not too hot, not too cold, not too sunny, but not too cloudy & just the right amount of breeze. so nice. i really love guam. jeff & i are planning an ode to guam photo shoot one of these weekends....... we'll be sure to share.

well, the weekend was nice...... jeff's soccer game sat night, his shop had a bbq at the beach on base sun night & today jeff got a comp day off for so many off duty hours he's put in lately & so we went down to a beach in tumon. so nice. it was crazy today though, driving down in tumon is like being in japanese tourist district, but today we saw droves of aussies or kiwis, must be on holiday. anyway, a bit off topic, but somehow still related......

i'm a crazy driver & i get somewhat impatient behind the wheel (that's putting it mildly). but i'm reminded of all the touristy places i've been able to call home & how frustrating it is to be a local constantly battling the roving, unaware tourist. orlando- driving is just plain horrible. charleston- the battle of the horse carriage (always getting stuck behind one on a one way street when you're late to work). fort walton beach- spring breakers or worse- the snow birds. guam- the japanese tourist bus & trolleys...... one consolation is that i'm living a permanent vacation.

another 3 star & a studio tendu

2010-02-20T16:45:00.007+10:00

so i just got back from my first ballet class on the island & it was good. interesting, but good. the studio is nice & the woman who taught is great..... an older woman, janet, who trained in the philippines with a man who danced for nycb & balanchine. i can tell with the use of her arms & through her corrections that she knows ballet. the students in the class are young & behind a bit, but all very positive & put forward lots of effort. janet has 2 granddaughters who demonstrate for her, asia & jamaica, both girls are nice & more advanced than the other students. it felt good to be dancing again, the only issue is tuition.

i haven't paid for a dance class since high school. seriously. & the studio is asking $75 for the month, & they offer 3 classes (ballet, jazz & rehearsal - ?) a week. i tried to get some kind of other offer seeing as i'm only interested in the ONE ballet class they offer. but the front desk lady said that was all they could do. i might be able to work something out at the end of my free coupon week..... we'll see. janet & i were talking & she said that she might have me teach some & they pay $30 a class, so if i teach 2 classes a month we're almost even..... the cool thing is that with that $75, you get open use of the studio as long as no class is going on. so that's one unusual perk.

it's weird, but cool, the way things are here..... janet teaches at this studio & another one, as well as directs the guam ballet company. various dancers from different studios all make up the guam ballet company & they all perform together at the U of guam. so different than the states where you have studios competing with each other rather than sharing & supporting. janet says she's gonna take me down to the other studio for other classes because they're more advanced & i think she wants to make me her 3rd granddaughter. albeit, much older granddaughter. she's super sweet & everyone was super impressed (not to sound conceited) & i even got a "you're pure perfection" from a 12 year old. how funny! but it felt so good to be reconnected to dancers & a studio. i just have to figure out how to get around this $75 a month thing.

now, on to the 3 star.....

it's been cope north training stuff the past 2 weeks on base..... japanese pilots & visitors are here for training exercises. & jeff gets to go around on the DV (distinguished visitor) visits taking photos & doing his thing. well on fri jeff got coined by a 3 star japanese general, which is kinda unusual & quite an honor. way cool! & jeff said that the general kept telling jeff to make him look like tom cruise in his photos! how funny!

off to jeff's soccer game tonight..... i'm already ridiculously sore..... can't wait for the 3 day. it's always the 3 day that is the worst. i've never not danced for this long & i'm gonna pay for these 5 months off. but it's worth it!

and the clouds part

2010-02-19T09:03:00.002+10:00

well, now i have 2 dance options for tonight! i could go to the swan ballet to take an advanced class with 9 year olds from 6-7....... or i could go meet janet bourgeois with guam ballet company to get a coupon for free ballet classes next week. i'd meet her at 6pm & i could watch a rehearsal for an upcoming show. which should i do? i think i'm leaning more toward meeting janet (she also said they had the best ballet out of anyone on the island & she's the teacher, she would know right? not biased or anything...)

so i'll post an update about how it goes.......

my heart

2010-02-14T21:15:00.007+10:00

happy valentine's day.....

jeff & i went to eat at cali pizza kitchen, delicious! & before that we ventured back to where it all started for us in guam..... the westin. we went to the bar for cocktails.... beautiful view of the ocean & nice martinis..... good conversation, perfect for date night. we had deep conversation about family, career, guam, our futures...... i think we both are in adaptation modes with our lives. trying to figure it all out.

& my heart. i really really love my family..... & i've been away from them forever, living apart since my sophomore year of high school..... so it's nothing new that i'm not living in my hometown with my family close by. i think more than distance it's an age thing. i'm at the point now where i feel close to my family, more than ever before. mine & jeff's. i'm super duper close with jeff's parents & so my relationship with them also factors into this emotional babble too. & i've never thought this way before, but i'm actually thinking that if we don't have our own children, we'll miss out on a huge part of life..... no graduations, no weddings, no grand children. we have nephews & a new one is due any day now. (his sister was having contractions yesterday- so i mean literally... ANY DAY) but, i want to add to this beautiful family we're a part of. the branches of this huge family tree beckon to me & whisper words of beautiful responsibility...... does that make sense? i don't want to fall short. i'm physically so far removed & have always played the role of the outsider, & now my age is clearing my mind & pointing the path towards reconnecting to my roots.

so corny. gosh. but it's valentine's day & this is my heart speaking & i'm not gonna censor for the fact that this glass of vino has persuaded me not to. & it's freaking valentine's day. so there.

ps. jeff's surprise was a key necklace from tiffany's. we have yet to purchase it, but he got it for me...... he has the key to my heart & i have his. ugh, too sacchrine sweet.

and now it hits me

2010-02-14T15:00:00.006+10:00

like a ton of bricks.... i want to dance again. i want to be in a real studio with real dance clothes on dancing to real class music. it's weird to think back on how often i hated putting on tights, or putting my hair back, or hearing the same cd over & over again in class...... but now i have a deep ache..... it only took 5 months away from it to really sink in. the last class i took was around oct 9th. & up until now i wasn't feeling the urge too much.

jeff & i drove around for 2 hours yesterday trying to find a dance studio someone told me about. ok, let me take you back a little bit. we got to guam & not that i had a big desire to plop back into a studio, but i just wanted to know what options i had (that & i had used half of my suitcase to fit leotards, tights, shoes, thera-bands & even a pair of pointe shoes into & felt obligated to at least scope out the dance scene- still haven't gotten around to using any of those items)..... anyway, so i looked in the phone book under dance studios & there were about 5 or 6 (one title was completely written in chamorro, so i had no idea what type of dance studio it was). ok, now the guam phone book is not like in the states.... no address included, only a name & a number. so i called all the studios & only got machines & a surprising number of "this number is no longer in service"....... dead end.

so one day when i was driving to the dmv i spotted a dance store- a real dance store with bloch & capezio & sansha written all over the windows. didn't have time to stop in, but figured i'd come back one day & ask them about the dance scene in guam. well, go figure the day i go the store had closed, & not just closed to reopen the next day, but shut down. no more. only a "for rent" sign in the place where "sansha" had once been. dead end.

SO, on another day i went to a yoga class at the gym on base & saw a girl dressed in dance clothes- street clothes over her tights, hair in a bun, no mistaking- this girl dances. so i went up to her & asked politely if she was a dancer & of course, yes. so i chatted her up about where she danced, what kind of classes, etc. she told me about an adult ballet class on wed nights at body arts near the agana shopping center. awesome! so a few weeks pass, because i'm still not desperately wanting to hit the studio- still into the yoga/ pilates shift, the jewelry making, the looking into my "what other interests do i have in my life" phase...... but now i'm chomping at the bit to cram my feet into pointe shoes & all thoughts aside about how weak i am at this point, i just want to be in a studio!!!!! ...... so jeff & i set off yesterday to find this place. 2 hours of driving & we found the shopping center & no side street untraversed, we could not find it! & this studio is one of those where the number in the phone book doesn't work. another DEAD END.

so now, not sure what the next step is...... i'll just tombè my little (bigger) butt right back into the living room carpet dance scene, for now...... until the dance gods smile down on me & present some other options......

hmm... update.....

2010-02-09T11:20:00.009+10:00

well, things are good..... jeff joined a soccer team, the toyota 4runners, & played a game last friday 4-0! yay! he has another game this saturday, go jeffy!

i am going to fill out an application & try to get a job teaching ballet to wee ones at the CDC (child development center), might even put in to sub at the elementary & middle school too while i'm at it. i talked to a woman at the CDC & she said they need a ballet teacher & that they'd have me in for an interview within a week or two ("with your credentials")..... so we'll see where that goes.....

making more jewelry, well working on one piece that is taking a while, every part of the necklace is a hand shaped wire chain thingy (working on my professional terminology) & it's taking forever to finish. but it'll be beautiful when it's done. i'll post pics later.....

so that i think covers it..... went to gab gab beach on sat, a baby shower on sun & jeff has some upcoming plan for valentine's day...... which, if you knew us (well, most of you do) you'd know that we don't really celebrate v day..... last year he sent me flowers, mostly because he had left for basic training the week before. we usually celebrate (everything - holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, "it's tuesday", "it's the weekend", "i haven't gone to the commissary") with our usual..... eating out! our weakness. so we'll see what he has up his sleeve for this weekend!

"way to go keeper"

on the sidelines

grilling out

lunch at the marina at navy (the water is gorgeous!)

winding wire jewelry

2010-02-01T21:21:00.009+10:00

so i think i decided on a name for my jewelry...... winding wire. & i set up a facebook page! now here's hoping people will want to wear some of my pieces! i'm making a lot of new stuff & will have more photos soon! & eventually will have more necklaces.....

ps. i make custom pieces too! just got in a shipment of new gemstones - rose quartz, moss agate, yellow jasper & snowflake obsidian........

on fire

2010-01-27T15:59:00.014+10:00

so i use that title loosely, there was an actual fire, but no one was hurt & i think it was contained fairly quickly...... but jeff's photo was used on the website for guam pacific daily news website (local paper), as well as defense imagery website......

it was a crazy day yesterday, aside from accompanying him on said fire photoshoot (it was lunch time & he got the call as i was picking him up- side note, i got us to the fire before the ambulance, not bad huh?) anyway, this week the base is in exercise mode & jeff has the alert photo phone, so busy, busy, busy.....

so the day was mild considering it was the fire & i think 2 other shoots during the day, but at night the phone kept ringing. situation #1 was around 8pm, then #2 around 10:30pm right after we had fallen asleep..... no biggie though, it only took him around a half hour. so he gets back in bed & we're asleep again & then another call about situation #3 at 11:40ish. so jeff gets dressed again & drives out to the location only to find out situation #3 was the same incident he had just taken photos of, aka situation #2. (someone somewhere needs to get it together).... so yes, after already leaving to shoot 2 times already, jeff had to get out of bed again & go shoot the same situation #2 now known as situation #3, again..... ok, so he gets back & tries to fall back asleep, then..... yes there is more....... a call at around 1am for situation #4..... so my poor husband gets out of bed for the 3rd time & starts getting dressed. well his captain calls & says the event already took place & there is no need for jeff to drive out there. whew! some relief!

can we say "high demand?" it's funny because from what i've heard you gotta expect to get some calls in the middle of the night when you're on alert photo, but not too often does it happen 4 times in one night- twice being for the same thing!

here's a link to one of his fire shots.... the photo above is jeff's too.......

my 4 of the moment

2010-01-25T14:18:00.014+10:00

so i've had excited, hopeful feelings floating around these 4 interests recently.....

1. getting certified to teach pilates or yoga
looking into different certification programs..... there is a certification program in hawaii that i'm looking into which leads me to think about......

2. travel, preferably space a
wanting to know more about space a & start taking advantage of living way over on this side of the world
i even have a friend who is traveling throughout asia from now until the summer & we've been talking about the possibility of meeting in bali (still totally unsure how i'm gonna make a trip to bali affordable), but my mind is bubbling with travel possibilities.....
which doesn't quite lead into my next topic, but maybe because of location i'm feeling an urge to learn more about......

3. feng shui
reading up on feng shui & energy, & i might be crazy but i already feel a better "flow" just by trying a couple new things.....
and so researching these topics have lead to more interest in......

4. jewelry and gemstones
i found out we were moving to guam & when people asked me what i was gonna do over there i'd answer jokingly that i was gonna "start making jewelry". not sure why i'd say that, never really interested in making jewelry, never even really wore jewelry much (except rubies, heeheee).......... but during my trip to virginia before we left, my mom & i went to a jewelry making store & i got stuff to begin this new hobby. well, i love it & have been feeling really creative & excited about developing this hobby
my dad has always had an interest in geology & as a kid he would take me on trips to teach me about rocks, give me rocks & gems as presents, etc. & i am coming back to the thought about how certain rocks and gemstones carry meaning & can impact our being

so some of this sounds kinda hookie & i grew up with 2 hippie parents & have always leaned that'a way, but through the years i've grown more responsible (who says hippies aren't?), but also slightly more conservative (not politically really) but just never thought i'd be married to the military...... funny.

so, still dancing in my living room (if you count 4 arabesques, 8 relevés & a couple tendus from 1st position as dancing), but feeling excited about broadening my life. i knew i wanted to take advantage of this move in this way, not by quitting dance, but by being open to other new things......

must be all the feng shui allowing this positive chi to flow.....

jungle cruise

2010-01-20T15:17:00.015+10:00

so on monday, it was a holiday, we went on a jungle cruise with another couple, debra & justin, & had a bunch of fun! the boat goes along the talafofo river & stops by an old chamorro village. at the end of the cruise, they provided coconut candy (yummy!) & juice (not as yummy, but still tasty) & bits of raw coconut (um, not for me - tasted a little bland & had a weird texture) & items made from coconut fronds. the people running the cruise were hilarious, very funny & entertaining. we went right after a rain storm so the water was a little murky, but the sky was clear & it wasn't too hot (for 1pm in a guam january)...... i think the price for the cruise is normally around $70, but we got the military discount & only paid $25...... so worth it. we had a late lunch at jeff's pirate's cove to wrap up the day.

carabao & rooster

debra & me with our coconut crowns

climbing to get a coconut

jeff with a coconut

jeff in a cave

feeling like an island princess

items made from coconut fronds

coconut candy

jeff doing a coconut candy shot

pretending to like raw coconut

playing rochambeau for coconut items

at jeff's pirate's cove

a 3 star & a living room ten-don't

2010-01-14T09:57:00.004+10:00

so sometime last week, deep in conversation with myself i thought..... "hey, you remember when you used to do that dancing stuff? you could try & at least do a couple tendus, arabesques & cambrés, just for old times sake..... might even help with all this extra soft stuff that's laying around your body now." so i did. in the living room. wasn't very much, i did like 4 relevés & 2 arabesques (lifting your leg behind you until you feel an uncomfortable cramp in your back & butt).......... well, the very next day my back was in pain. how sad, i only had my leg at around 45 degrees (which when i was dancing could get my leg up to 90 & on the right side past 90, during dracula time) boohoo.....

well, i am beginning to realize how great ballet was for my body. now, in hindsight, of course. because while dancing i always found something physically wrong with my body to complain about & had serious knee issues for about 4 years. but now, after 3 FULL months off, i see such a change physically. i've gained about 15 pounds, yikes! and feel really soft. which part of me really likes, i feel feminine, but i also feel really weak, have less energy & don't feel as healthy..... not to mention i can no longer consider myself to be a dancer.

so again today i realized i'd try to do a little more living room dancing. and for the record, i have tried to call the dance studios here on guam & have gotten only machines & a couple "this number is no longer in service"...... so one day i might find myself back in a real studio, until then there is always the living room.

here is an unglamorous glimpse, and as ms. dorothy would say, "you call that a tendu (tahn-do), i call that a ten-don't!"

now to the 3 star part..... andersen has a DV on base today & tomorrow..... jeff is following around the distinguished visitor, a 3 star general, taking photographs & going to all the prestigious briefings/ events..... & i'm dancing around the living room. hmmm....